Closets are for Clothes

As I am sure many of you already know, today is National Coming Out Day. Every year when October 11th rolls around, I start the day by wondering why we need to have it. In truth, that thought is wishful thinking. Em and I live in the “Boston Bubble,” where our rights are really equal and almost no one bats an eye. I have to remind myself that that is not what it is like everywhere else – and that’s when I remember why National Coming Out Day (and coming out in general) is important. The attitude in the US toward marriage equality is so rapidly changing for the better, which is so so fantastic.

“The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice.” -Martin Luther King Jr.

The domino game of states with marriage equality is the most amazing thing to witness, and makes me feel so validated and happy. And it is BECAUSE people keep coming out. When we come out, our friends and family and neighbors can put a face to the acronym. Coming out is totally necessary, and every single brave person who comes out – and every person they come out to – is a part of the movement toward equality.

Coming out is not a one-time thing. It’s not even a three- or four-time thing. I have to make decisions every week, sometimes every day, on whether to come out – to clients at work, while I’m getting my nails done, at the store … and I’m not always brave enough. I’m ashamed to say I often choose the easy way out. When the woman doing my nails compliments my ring and says something like “your husband has great taste!” – I often choose to respond, “I know he does!” And every time it feels inauthentic and a get a sinking feeling in my stomach. Like the truth isn’t comfortable or good enough for the moment.

So, for today, I’m going to share with all of you my coming out story (because, I mean, you already all know that I’m queer). Well, I’m going to share with you the beginning of my coming out story – because that story hasn’t ended (and probably won’t).

I came out to myself just after my 19th birthday. I was a freshman in college and I had spent the first semester harboring a serious crush on a girl who lived in my dorm. College was the first time I had met any queer women. Actually, that’s not true. One of my friends in high school came out as bi, but never acted on it and later “took it back.” She also used to say that she liked girls but she would “never have sex with a girl because vaginas are gross.”  (I am in no way discounting her experience – more commenting that it didn’t have the same impact on me as meeting queer women who dated and slept with and were in relationships with other women). ANYWAY I spent a semester hanging out with this girl who I had a crush on every night, telling myself that it was a totally normal friendship to want to just lie in bed together for hours playing with each others’ hair, not even talking. And then I went home for winter break, and spent some time with an older friend (ha – she was probably 25 at the time?), who came out to me as bi. After validating her feelings and saying the things good friends say, I went down to my car and just sat there for probably 10 minutes. I just sat and thought and felt this big, life-altering thing bubble inside me. I thought to myself about how I had never really ever had a crush on a boy, and how I made excuses for that (there are just no cute boys in my little town!). I thought about how I often thought of girls in sexual ways, and that my constant attempts to tell myself that “that’s normal, a lot of teenagers think about people of the same sex without being gay” were just a big load of denial. I thought about my intense female friendships, and all of the feelings that I had squashed over the past few years. And I thought about that feeling that always crept in from the back of my mind. That feeling that I might be different. That feeling that I always pushed away so quickly that I never really thought it through. And when I was done thinking about those things, I texted the friend who had just come out to me, “me too. OK? now you know.” And that was it. I couldn’t take it back. I pressed send.

Hindsight is 20/20 of course. I was raised in a big Irish Catholic family, and we went to church every week. I had learned that it was “okay to be gay, but not okay to act on your feelings.” So luckily it wasn’t the hellfire and damnation viewpoint that gays will go to hell etc etc, but I certainly was raised to really really really not want to be gay. Now that I’m looking back, I can see all of the clues I missed. As one example (because this post is getting kind of long and I have to get up the courage to give myself a trigger shot in like a half hour), I recall going to my check up at the doctor when I was 12. I must have been 12, because I believe that that is the age when your medical information officially becomes not your parents’ business unless you want it to be – and my doctor gave me a survey to fill out with the assurance that only she would see it. It was mostly questions like Have you ever tried drugs? Have your friends tried drugs or alcohol? Do you feel safe at home? etc. But there was a prompt on the 3rd page or so that really stumped me. I am attracted to … __ boys __ girls __  both __ I don’t know. I remember so clearly sitting there and staring at the question. And I remember skipping it, filling out the rest of the packet, and then going back. I also remember being terrified because I didn’t even know why it was tripping me up so much. I am pretty sure I ended up checking off “both” or “I don’t know,” and then erasing it and checking of “boys” instead.

After sending that text and acknowledging, in print, that I wasn’t straight, I am pretty sure I cried for a good chunk of the drive home. But by the next morning I felt like a huge weight had lifted. Like, okay, that’s what that feeling is. I’ve mentioned before that I have OCD – my symptoms were very significant for the last 2 years of high school. I was having panic attacks multiple times each week. Once I sent that text, my anxiety significantly decreased. As a freshman at a fairly artsy college in Boston, I used to “do art” on the weekends with friends (sometimes under the influence), and often found myself drawing X’s over my mouth, which I never could explain – but it totally stopped after I sent that text. I went back to school and systematically came out to everyone who meant something to me. I was extraordinarily nervous every single time, but I didn’t experience one negative reaction. Most people were entirely nonchalant. It was actually kind of jarring that people were so blase about something that was so emotional and HUGE for me. Either way, I can’t complain. And after a couple of weeks, once everyone knew, it became just another thing about me and I was able to move onward and upward. It was so freeing and exhilarating.

I didn’t come out to my parents for another year and a quarter after that. I didn’t know where to begin, I was worried about how they’d react, and I had this irrational fear that they would send me to a conversion camp (they really would never ever do that – I don’t know why I fixated on that fear). On top of all of that, though, I didn’t know what to say. Back then, I really didn’t identify as a “lesbian.” I had come out as “bi” to most people, but that word didn’t sit right with me either. I knew I liked girls more, but wasn’t closing any doors. I kept telling people that I didn’t like labels, but that “love is tender and knows no gender.” On advice from some friends at my very first National Coming Out Day (October 11, 2006), I decided that the best way to do it would be to come out as in a relationship with someone, rather than with a label. So that was the plan. When I started seeing my first girlfriend (I wouldn’t even call her a girlfriend – just a girl who I dated), I thought about it and procrastinated. Then, like a month later (ha) when she broke up with me by starting to see some guy and calling me to ask advice about him, I was devastated and decided to call my mom and tell her all about it so she could comfort me. It took me 2 phone calls but I finally got it out. I managed to talk about this girl without using any pronouns at all for a full 5 minutes, and finally at the end said something like, “and it was a girl.” My mom cried because I was crying, but she told me that she and my dad loved me no matter what and just wanted me to be happy. It was just what I needed to hear, though I could tell in her voice that it was really hard for her to come to terms with. My parents have come a really long way and are nothing but supportive of me now, but it was something that didn’t really get talked much about after that phone call. I brought it up again a few months into my relationship with Em (probably 3 months after the initial phone call), and my mom said “it’s a girl again, isn’t it?” Like I said, they’ve come a long way since then.

Coming out was freeing, painful, terrifying, exhilarating, and the single best, bravest thing I’ve ever done. And it continues to be all of those things. It is so many things – and one of them is important.

“Gay brothers and sisters,…You must come out. Come out… to your parents… I know that it is hard and will hurt them but think about how they will hurt you in the voting booth! Come out to your relatives… come out to your friends… if indeed they are your friends. Come out to your neighbors… to your fellow workers… to the people who work where you eat and shop… come out only to the people you know, and who know you. Not to anyone else. But once and for all, break down the myths, destroy the lies and distortions. For your sake. For their sake.” -Harvey Milk

So, that’s my story. If you made it this far, I am sincerely impressed. Thank you for reading it.

Fourth time’s the charm?

I never get it together to blog during the first half of my cycle. You know, the boring part. 

Anyway, yesterday I had my fourth IUI. I hemmed and hawed trying to decide whether to skip this cycle or not. To recap – the plan was to start Clomid, ultrasound monitoring, and a trigger shot this cycle. However, my vacation plans would have affected the schedule of ultrasounds, so that was out. I had trouble deciding whether to skip this cycle and conserve my remaining 2 vials of first-choice-donor for more monitored cycles. But also I am no good at waiting. As you already know, my impatience won out.

I got my positive OPK on Friday morning, paid the “same day transaction” fee to get a vial of sperm before they closed Friday (our bank isn’t open on weekends), and scheduled an IUI for Saturday at 11am. I feel pretty good about the timing this time. The last 2 cycles I’ve had my temp rise the day after my positive OPK, indicating that I’ve ovulated same day/had not-so-great timing with taking the OPKs in the first case. This month, I didn’t see my temp rise until today (IUI +1), so I am hopeful that the timing was closer to ideal. Our guy’s numbers were pretty good. Low-ish motility (40%) but high sperm count (66 million per mL).

I’m heading into this 2ww hopeful that I can keep my sanity and not obsess too much. If this one doesn’t end in a BFP – on to Clomid, ultrasound monitoring, and a trigger shot with our last vial of this donor.

On a personal note:

My wife and I had a spectacular time in Seattle for a 5-day vacation over Labor Day weekend. A real, live vacation. We weren’t there to visit family or friends (though I did get to catch up with a friend from high school who I haven’t seen in 10 years and her wife-to-be), go to a wedding, or attend a conference. It was really fantastic. We jammed a lot into 5 days (Mt. Rainier, salmon run, whale watch, great food, Space Needle, Chihuly, a Mariners game…), but it wasn’t overly planned. It was perfect.

Seattle from the Space Needle, Chihuly blown glass, amazing sushi, and playing Rumikub at Paradise Inn on Mt. Rainier. 

Also 4 is my lucky number. OK, I might actually be a little obsessed with the number 4. OK, I am officially clinically obsessed with the number 4 (I have OCD), so I’m hoping that means there’s some good juju out there in the Universe for a 4th try baby. I’ve got everything crossed. 

11/12 dpo

I’m so so close to the end of this two week wait and it’s driving me nuts.

In general, I pride myself on being an optimist with realist leanings – hope for the best but expect the worst and all that jazz. This cycle, though? Different story. I swear I have been trying to tell myself that I’m probably not pregnant, that the timing wasn’t ideal and the motility was low (did I ever post the numbers? Count was 115 million!! Motility only 37%) … Unfortunately all my brain wants to think is, “but I feel so pregnant.”

And I do. I think. Here’s the problem with that thinking: I’ve never actually been pregnant. So there is no way that I can feel pregnant without knowing what that feels like.

How I actually feel:
– Sore beasts since literally 1 dpo, still going strong. This is a normal PMS symptom for me starting at 7 or 8 dpo. I’m also fully aware that a “symptom” is not logically a real symptom at 1 dpo.
– 1 or 2 days of major sensitivity to smell (did everyone bring smelly good to work on Wednesday, or was that just my nose??)
– Restless sleep 5 out of the last 7 nights. I don’t know what this is all about. Super moon maybe? I NEVER wake up at night – I am so good at sleeping. But this week I’ve been waking in the middle of the night at least once, and doing lots of tossing and turning.
– Obsessing over every twinge and dull cramp in my uterus area. Probably all in my head, lezbehonest.
– Fatigue – I’ve gone to bed by 9 the past 3 nights. Also my mother in law is in town and that’s pretty exhausting, so that’s probably the culprit.
– BBT – my temp has been on the up and up for the past 3 or 4 days. Today it’s the highest it’s been this cycle (usually by day 12 it starts to dip). I’ve also been really good about temping at consistent times (weekends tend to be hard for me). BUT that said, I have been tossing and turning a bit.

Given all the symptom spotting, I broke down and decided to test first thing this morning. FF thinks I’m 12 dpo, I think I’m 11 dpo (and I’m definitely 11 dpiui). The test was totally negative. BFN to the max dot com. Believe me, I squinted at it so hard for a long time. Not even a hint of a line. I’m kicking myself for testing early. I want the hope of the two week wait back (but you can keep the anxiety). I want that “I’m probably pregnant. How will I tell my parents? When am I due?” feeling back.

Honestly, the optimist in me is unsquashable and I am already back on the bandwagon of telling myself that it ain’t over til the fat lady sings. Beta is on Tuesday and I probably won’t test again until then. But I have that nagging dejection feeling hanging out in the back of my mind.

I’m going sailing today with some coworkers/friends so hopefully that will succeed in distracting me all day. And maybe work tomorrow will be enough to quiet my mind. Otherwise I don’t know how I’ll make it to Tuesday.

One Year … and Updates

I started this blog post a week and a half ago. I’m not sure why I haven’t been posting, or why I never posted this, but here goes:

I don’t think I’ve talked about it much here, but my wife and I became foster parents last year. It was an amazing experience, and a huge milestone in our relationship with each other. We started thinking about fostering in October of 2012, and by May 2013 we were licensed and ready to go. Then, one year ago today (edit: not really today, actually a week and a half ago), we got a phone call that changed our lives forever. It was actually our third placement call, though the first two hadn’t worked out – one sibling set got placed with a family that didn’t need daycare, the other sibling set we said no to because they were out of our age range and we weren’t physically ready for that. But back to today (the figurative today), last year. We got a call. A baby girl, not yet 11 months old, had been removed early that morning and they were looking for a placement that day. One year ago. We said yes, the world flipped over entirely, and we became mamas. All in the span of about an hour.

As I’m sure you can surmise, we are no longer foster parenting that beautiful little girl. She lived with us for 2 months. She gave us the most joy we’ve ever had, and her subsequent removal caused us the most pain. We were entirely aware that our chances of being her forever family were slim to none – her goal was reunification with her family. We weren’t pre-adoptive parents, we were in it to provide temporary care – to help our community on a very concrete and immediate level. Yes, it was very difficult to say goodbye. Unfortunately, we weren’t really able to grieve and work through her leaving, because the circumstances of her leaving were very not ideal. Although we were prepared for the loss, it hit us in ways we hadn’t prepared us for. And afterward, we were left with this substantial loss. We were mamas without a baby. I can’t believe it’s been a year. I really don’t have much else to say about that, except that it would make it all the more meaningful if we were to get pregnant this cycle. I miss being a mom, and I miss that little one, every single day.

So onto the here and now:

• We went to my best friend’s wedding this weekend and it was an absolute blast. Major happiness hangovers all around. I can’t believe how lucky I am to have such beautiful, compassionate, fun, phenomenal people in my life. I’m also glad I didn’t ovulate before or during the wedding (I was totally convinced I would – I started getting EWCM last Wednesday).
• Today is CD21 and I got a positive OPK (internet cheapie mostly positive first thing this AM, Clear Blue digital positive at 9am) today. I’m impressed with my body for ovulating (hopefully) earlier than usual! This is the earliest surge I’ve had since I started charting.
• IUI 2.0 is scheduled for tomorrow morning! Tank pick-up at 9am, drive right to the clinic by 9:30 to drop it off for prep, and IUI scheduled for 11am.
• In a perfect twist of fate, my day off is tomorrow so I am not at all stressed about ovulation happening on a weekday. I do, however, have to change my acupuncture appointment (it is also scheduled for 11). Any thoughts on whether I should go to acupuncture immediately before or immediately after my IUI?
• I’m still scheduled to leave the country for a conference next Friday, so the end of my 2WW and my official test date will fall while I’m overseas and away from the wife. I’m trying to decide if I’ll bring a test with me and test there or just wait to see if my period arrives and if not, rely on the beta test when I return. Hard choices! I’m sure I’ll end up testing (I have no patience at all). After my last IUI, my period came a full 2 days early, which is very weird because my luteal phase has been a very consistent 13 days other than that 1 cycle. Anyway, AF is scheduled to arrive during the conference so that’s fun.

Send some baby dust my way, ladies! I really hope this one works. Even though it’s only our 2nd “attempt,” I feel like we’ve been trying since December (my first visit to the Doctor to get the ball rolling). I really thought we’d have more than 2 attempts in by July! I’m trying my best to put aside those thoughts and just think fertile and sticky thoughts.

TTC 2.0 is on

Now that I’m back on the blogging wagon, a few updates on the TTC front. I got my period on Thursday, so today was CD3, which means I went in for my follow-up ultrasound. I was more than a little nervous that Larry the cyst hadn’t packed up and left yet, and that I’d end up pulling my hair out during yet another cancelled cycle.

Luckily for us, that was not to be! This time around, my wife accompanied me to the ultrasound, which was really nice. Actually, it was also satisfying – I had told her last time about my experience with the less-than-comfortable dildo wand, and she didn’t really give me the sympathy I was hoping for. This time around she got to see it, and I got plenty of sympathy today!

Since it is Saturday, my doctor and nurses were not in the clinic – I just went in to see the ultrasound tech. I have to say, I enjoyed this tech much better than my previous one. She told us everything she was doing and looking at throughout the whole thing, which I really appreciated. She also let me insert the wand myself – I must say, it was much less violating that way. Although she clearly isn’t my doctor and can’t officially read the ultrasound and report results – she did not see a cyst. I watched, and there was certainly nothing there. A couple of underdeveloped follicles on each ovary (like 2-3 mm), which I believe is what they would expect for cycle day 3.

She did mention that my lining was very thin, which would indicate that I have already shed most of it, which leads me to my next point – my periods this month and last both seemed rather light to me. I know that my lining is supposed to be thin at this point in my cycle, but it seemed like she was surprised at the thin-ness of it. I also know that I am totally reading into things probably in a crazy-lady-obsessive way, but I’m worried about my current ability to build up a good enough lining. I am now going to crazy-lady-obsessively Google ways to ensure a nice juicy lining for a little embryo to nest in. Am I being obsessive? Anyone have any tips and tricks for getting a good lining?

In terms of the plan – as far as I know we are on for another unmedicated IUI cycle. A nurse from my RE’s office (no one I’ve talked to in the past) called and said that the ultrasound was all clear and that we are good to go for this cycle. I can’t remember if anyone had mentioned doing this cycle medicated, so I’m going to call back on Monday, but I’m assuming I’m on for another natural cycle. I have been ovulating, albeit fairly late, and I think my RE wants to try to let my body do its own thing if it can. I tend to agree, though of course I also want to speed things along.

A couple of hiccups that I’m hoping don’t mess with things for me:

• We have 3 weddings to attend in the next 6 weeks, one of which I’m a bridesmaid in. It actually might be 5 weeks. I am just hoping that my O doesn’t fall on a day that I am out of town or in the middle of a wedding-related obligation. I’m pumped for all of the weddings though (especially for my best friend’s).
• I’m also leaving the country for a conference that I’m really excited about. This is actually the event that actually has the potential to throw things off for me. I have ovulated on CD 24, 33, and 27 in my 3 most recent cycles. I’m boarding a plane out of the country on CD30 this cycle. If you all are the positive-vibe-sending types, send me some vibes for an earlier O this cycle! I will be so super bummed if I have to miss another cycle because of the one thing I really can’t get around. On the plus side, if I do ovulate before CD30, I’ll have a really baller built-in distraction for a good chunk of the 2WW!

So my plan for now is to think happy thoughts, keep going to acupuncture (and specifically ask him to work on thickening my lining and telling my body to quit dawdling with the ovulation business), increase my exercise and healthy/fertility-friendly eating habits, call the RE on Monday to make sure that we’re a-go for a natural cycle, start using OPKs in about a week,and hope hope hope that this is my cycle for a BFP. Although I’ve been a bit silent on here, I’m reading along every day, and am so excited for the BFPs this month, and of course feeling just as bummed but determined as all of you who are still waiting for that BFP. 

The one where I willingly get poked with a bunch of needles

I really didn’t mean to go so long without posting! I’m seeing it as a good thing. This break is proving to be a nice relief from all of the waiting. Don’t get me wrong, I am still obsessively reading all y’all’s blogs – I’m just finding myself able to think about other things. Like catching up on work, having dinner with friends, cleaning the house, gardening, hanging with my wife … It’s great, actually.

Thursday was my second trip to the acupuncturist, and tomorrow will be my third. Today is CD 19, which I wouldn’t even have known if I didn’t just check my phone. Ovulation is hopefully on its way, and my CM seems to agree, but it doesn’t really matter since we’re not inseminating. I’ll probably still do OPKs to collect more timing data, but whatever.

As promised, my experience with acupuncture:

• As a speech-language pathologist, I have a science background and tend to not put much stock in eastern medicine. That said, I’ve never really heard someone say “I don’t think acupuncture is helping with my fertility.” I’ve talked to a number of people (on- and off-line) who have done it, and 100% of the reviews have been positive. So I decided to go for it.
• As I am not entirely able to shed my evidence-based practice background, I asked my acupuncturist how it works. He answered by saying it helps improve circulation and also something about my Qi. I have a good friend who is currently 2 years into an “acupuncture and integrative medicine” program, so I reached out to get a better (read: more western) answer (like, HOW does it improve circulation). She said that the needles stimulate neuro receptors to send the message that the area needs more blood, and that stimulating and bringing new blood flow to the ovary area helps reduce growths and regulate hormone production. So hey, that’s a good enough explanation for me!
• On my first visit, he (I’ll call him Dr. Z from here on) did an intake, asked me about my cycles, my diet and activity level, overall health, and why I was there. Then he had me lie down on my back with all of my clothes on (I had no idea what to expect going in – hopefully this is helpful to someone else), but my shoes and socks off. On the first visit, he put in I think 9 or 10 needles? One on top of my head, one between my eyebrows, one on each of my arms near the elbow, 3 or 4 on my belly, and one on the inside of each ankle. Then he left me in the room with music on and told me to “relax, take a nap.” Clearly, placement of the needles is specific to the location of neuro receptors/energy pathways, but he did not explain any of it to me.
• The needles were hair-like. I didn’t feel them at all. When he was putting them in, it just felt like he was kind of flicking me, and that was it. I did feel the needle on my forehead – but not like in a there’s-a-needle-in-my-face-and-it’s-prickly kind of way, more in a way that I was really focused on the tension in my forehead and felt a little pain where the needle was, kind of at the epicenter of the tension. For the first 20 minutes, I kept trying to close my eyes and relax, but my left eye would not close all the way and I really had trouble trying to relax my forehead. Then, all of a sudden about halfway through the session, all of the tension in my forehead suddenly released and I didn’t feel that needle at all. I did feel like I could actually feel my blood flow in different areas (my forehead and ovaries specifically).
• Overall I enjoyed the experience. It was very relaxing. Dr. Z recommended that I come back “a couple” more times, about a week apart, and that we may talk about using herbs “later.”
• He also made a bunch of recommendations about my diet. I know that a few of them are related to balancing my hormones (because my not-at-all-overweight neighbor who referred me got the same recommendations), and that a few of them are related to working on weight loss (as though I wasn’t already working on that …). He suggested that I do the following:
  • Cut out alcohol and caffeine (I have totally cut out caffeine. I don’t drink a lot as it is, but I have not cut out alcohol yet)
  • Eat only organic meats (We’ve been eating what we had in the fridge/freezer, but the plan is to buy organic meat moving forward)
  • Drink more water during the day (I’ve been drinking way more water since I quit Diet Coke, so I’m just keeping on that bandwagon)
  • Do exercise that makes me sweat. He stressed that the important part was that I sweat – he didn’t explain but I looked online and the belief is that cysts are caused by excess fluid in the body – so sweating it out, eating less salt (so you don’t retain fluids), etc is important.
  • On that note, eat less salt.
  • Decrease intake of sugar and dairy
  • (Here’s the part that I think was geared toward weight loss): Eat smaller dinners, eat a snack (like an apple) before dinner, don’t eat greasy or fried foods
• My second visit was similar – he asked how I was feeling (good) and doing re: diet and exercise (I said good – I could be better). Then he just had me get right on the table. There were fewer needles this time – he didn’t do the one on the top of my head and only did 3 on my belly. I had the same exact experience with the forehead needle – my eyes wouldn’t close and it took a while before I felt the tension release and I could finally relax. This time, it took a lot longer to feel that tension release (almost to the end). He said I should come back once more and that we would talk about the possibility of using herbs instead for a few weeks. My friend (the one in school to be an acupuncturist) said that the effects are significantly better when combining acupuncture with herbs, so I’ll likely do that. Plus it is much cheaper than weekly acupuncture – I think $30 for a 2-week supply of herbs (rather than $80 per session for 2 weeks). The plan is to go back tomorrow for my 3rd session, buy the herbs, and go back for acupuncture next cycle again prior to ovulation and after the insemination.

So that’s that. I’m enjoying this somewhat-less-stressful month and looking forward to a nice clean cycle next time around.

Halfway There?

Even with my cornucopia of distractions, this 2WW is dragging on for months.

Today I am 7dpiui 8dpiui (oops, started writing this yesterday). One week ago today yesterday I spread my legs for a sperm-filled catheter to be inserted into my uterus. Awesome.

My wife and I had a lovely vacation in LA, visiting with good friends and family while eating nearly 24/7 (oy, diet started again today). Of the 4 days we were there, the temperature was in the 90s for 3 of them. The last day (of course) cooled off a bit. Honestly, the heat didn’t bother me too much – it just made it feel more like vacation! My Irish skin did crisp up a bit but nothing off the charts. We took a red eye and got back in yesterday at 8am, and both promptly went to work. That was a bit rough, but we made it through and I’m actually quite a bit more exhausted today than I was yesterday.

It was lovely to have a constant and fun 4-day distraction from the 2WW. I did very minimal obsessing over non-existent symptoms, which was awesome. Of course, now we’re back to reality and it’s only 8dpiui. Monday seems SOOO far away! I’m supposed to go in for a blood test on Monday, and I’m trying to wait until then to find out (or wait for AF to come to town Sunday or Monday). Since this is TTC cycle #1, I don’t have any pregnancy tests lying around the house to tempt me, so hopefully that works in my favor. Also, my mom and dad are coming to town for a visit this weekend, which will provide another beautiful distraction! My mom will be here tomorrow, and my dad will join us on Friday. I’m super pumped for their visit and the distraction THAT will bring as well. So I guess I’ll just allow myself to obsess today and tomorrow and try to let my parents distract me until Monday.

Symptom spotting: Well, we all know that symptoms mean nothing since they can be attributed to a million other things, but here I go anyway:

• 3 and 4dpiui – major bloating/swelling all over, most likely due to the cross-country flight I just took (I had to take my rings off and my pants were tight)
• 6dpiui – mild feeling of “tightness” (cramping? I don’t know if I would call it that) in my ovaries/uterus region, creamy CM
• 7dpiui – totally tired (obviously because I got 4 hours of sleep on a red eye, so this doesn’t really count), same tightness/cramping feeling occasionally throughout the day, bloating (this time it seemed focused on my abdominal region, the rings stayed on), gassy
• 8dpiui – still tired (again, most likely due to the whole not-sleeping-well-on-a-plane thing), very gassy, definite cramps (feels premenstrual) at times

My temps have stayed up since last Monday. They crept up more slowly than I would have liked (it’s so much more satisfying to see a nice spike), but what can you do. The last two days have been a bit of a dip (not even close to below the cover line) – I’m hoping they go back up again tomorrow and maybe it was an implantation dip? (Wishful thinking).

So that’s it for my crazy thoughts for today. Honestly, this blog is where I get to be obsessive and write it all down, but I do feel that I’ve been able to mostly carry on as normal so far, with only occasional obsessive moments. Here’s to the next 6 days, hopefully I maintain only a moderately obsessive level of crazy.

Today’s Obsession: BBT

Of course I need something to worry about.

So, much like Decaf at My Little Happy Family, I did not get a temp spike today like I did after ovulation day last cycle. It literally went up maybe .2 degrees, but I took it twice and used the higher temp. Obviously that means I’m spending my day obsessing over whether or not I actually ovulated yesterday, and if not, whether the little swimmers would have made it to today.

Here’s my chart this month so far (excuse the wacky temps on the weekends – we traveled a bit this month and sometimes I sleep in):

And last month’s:

Given that my temp went up over a couple of days last month, I still feel like there is a chance I ovulated yesterday (hopefully) (or maybe that’s just what I have to tell myself so I don’t feel like I flushed $1000 down the vagina toilet). My Monday temp may very well have been artificially high because I had 2 glasses of wine on Sunday night, and barely slept a wink from all the anxiety. I am 99% sure I did not have a solid 4-hour chunk of sleep before temping (it was MAYBE 2 1/2 hours). Also both yesterday and today I temped at weird times (but it was probably only off by a half hour or so), and my CM is definitely drying up – with no EW or WCM in sight. Could all of those things account for a less-than-ideal rise today? Hoping for a better sign tomorrow.

Surprise!

IUI #1 was today instead of tomorrow – surprise!

I’m not sure I can even come close to writing in an organized fashion right now, so bear with me.

• I was up tossing and turning all night last night, which is really notable for me as I am a ridiculously sound sleeper (I have literally slept through fire alarms). My poor wife was reminded just how sound a sleeper I usually am (and probably just how light a sleeper she is) and got just as little sleep. I was just too anxious to even be able to consider resting my brain for the night. Obviously all of the question marks surrounding the timing of my positive OPK yesterday left me really uneasy with the plan (actually, it really felt like there wasn’t a plan at all – just a vague idea of calling in the morning to set up an IUI for Tuesday, and somehow scheduling a same-day tank swap at the bank to keep us in the guarantee, which they don’t even do …). I knew that I would feel better just by talking to someone at the RE’s office, and that did turn out to be the case.
• I did an OPK (internet cheapie AND Clear Blue digital) this morning, which was negative. The internet test still had a dark test line, but lighter than the control line, and the CB came up with a big fat O. This spun my already anxious brain into new heights of what-ifs. Also – if I hadn’t done that afternoon test they yelled at me about yesterday I wouldn’t have caught it at all!
• I got my fav nurse, Tracy, on the phone around 8:15 this morning. They technically don’t open until 8:30 so that was good but I was still in crazy-freakout-anxious mode because nothing was resolved, and I was in the car on my way to work. Anyway, Tracy was great and consulted with my RE, and they both agreed that even the “subtle surge” of yesterday morning was enough to do the IUI today. So that became the plan.
• As soon as the plan was to do the IUI today, it was like a magic wand had erased all of the tension in my body. It feels like that was the right thing to do, and it solved the issue that I hadn’t yet gotten to solving – the tank swap. Since the guarantee was good through today, we didn’t have to worry about it at all. (Phew)
• Of course, last minute plans tend to throw all sorts of things out of whack – so I had a crazy morning trying to re-schedule my 10:00 patient, who was already en route from a whole other state … Long story short, I didn’t reschedule them – I just did a shortened eval and rushed out as soon as they stepped out of my office door to make my 11:45 IUI appointment. Afterward, I rushed back to be here in time for my 1:00 patient, who didn’t show. Go figure.
• The IUI itself was interesting. I had a full bladder, and the only discomfort I felt was from the speculum. So maybe that was because of the bladder? Or maybe I just was distracted from any cervix pain by the duck lips in my vag. When she pushed the sperm in, it made the weirdest sound – is that normal? My wife cracked up at the sound of it, so if this IUI makes a baby, it will have had a very humorous start. The vial was SO SMALL – how could there have been enough sperm in there to make a baby?? Overall, it went much more smoothly than I was expecting. The nurse commented on my CM looking good (officially weirdest compliment I’ve ever received but I’ll take it), and his numbers sounded fine. The count was 29 million, and 52% motility. They said they look for anything over 20 million and 50% motility. I would have loved to hear that the motility was higher but I really have no frame of reference for what to expect.

If you got through all of that – good for you. If you scrolled to the end to get the important deets, here ya go:

1. My surge is apparently short. Or weak. I don’t know. What does that mean? Nurse Tracy said I should ideally test mid-morning, once/day for best results. I think that may affect sperm retrieval from the bank if they need 24 hours notice though… I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.
2. IUI #1 is officially over
3. I am now in my very first TWW … let the Googling and symptom-spotting begin
4. This is officially the closest I’ve ever been to pregnant
5. Sperm makes a funny sound going in

Here’s to the two week wait! We’ve promised each other to be as normal as possible, distract ourselves, and not test at all (until the blood test on May 12) … feel free to make fun of me tomorrow when I start obsessing and buy a home pregnancy test. So glad I have a couple of wait buddies out here in the blog-o-sphere!

Counting Blessings

It is SO easy to get caught up in the uncertainty and annoyances of TTC, and I feel that my thinking has become very anxious and negative overall.  I would usually describe myself as an extreme optimist, so these negative feelings and the doubt creeping in really affects me. A little reminder to look at the big picture went a long way for me today, and I am really happy to be getting my TTC thoughts back in the positive category.

I was watching Mystery Diagnosis (UGH I KNOW … my weird guilty pleasure that I can only indulge in on my day off when dear wife is not home), and they profiled a woman who, at the start, was dealing with fertility issues. She went off the pill and her natural cycles weren’t coming back … Anyway, it ended up that she had a brain tumor (sitting on her pituitary gland) that she never would have found if not for trying to start her family. I just couldn’t stop thinking about how much more she suddenly had to deal with and how scary and hard it must have been … not to mention having to put TTC plans aside. She went on to make a full recovery and have two beautiful children, which is a lovely and hopeful ending, but wasn’t really the reason the piece affected me. Moreso, it reminded me a) to count my blessings. I am relatively healthy and am at least sometimes able to ovulate on my own, and I don’t have any larger health issues that are precluding me from TTC or getting on with my life; and b) that there is a larger picture here and that I am TOO focused on the minutia leading up to it. I need to let go and let things happen, because it’ll all come together in whatever way it is supposed to.
*(It is likely that right now you are thinking “what a wack-a-doodle this chick is for not only watching Mystery Diagnosis, but having some sort of spiritual epiphany over it” … and I can’t argue with ya there.)

OK so big picture epiphany rant aside, here’s the buzz:

• I did not surge today.
• I DID get more EWCM today – not a ton, but some which is enough for me right now, because it means my body is at least doing something in there.
• I have decided to do OPKs twice per day – once when I wake up (around 6:30am), and again before dinner (around 6:30pm). I’m kind of paranoid about missing my surge. I think I read on Fertility Friend somewhere that LH usually surges over a 24-48 hour period, and that it usually starts early morning so a mid-day test is the best idea? I work in an outpatient clinic and it would be not only weird but also pretty difficult to test mid-day, so I’m sticking to my guns on this one but I think you can see what types of things I’ve been Googling on my day off …
• I have been using the cheap-o OPK test strips (bought on Amazon) for the last 2 cycles. Our good friends donated an unopened pack of Clear Blue digitals because they are going to expire in July and they aren’t trying for #2 yet. So I cracked those open today because I was excited to learn how they work [oh god, who am I?], and that was a fun part of my day. I think these are the kind with the flashing face when you are “approaching,” which my RE warned me was going to send me into a panic so I’ll reserve judgement until that happens, but it was nice to not have to set my timer to know when to read it.
• I’m hoping to convince my lady to go to sushi tonight because [knock on wood] [hopefully] I’ll be inseminating in the next few days and not able to eat it for at least 2 weeks and hopefully more. I think my convincing powers are good so here’s hoping for a yummy dinner date.
• Probably the most ridiculous difficult thing I’m trying to do right now in my “preconception planning” is to quit Diet Coke. Dear Lord this is a difficult task. I tried to cut down to 1/day this week and was successful for a total of 2 days. Today I’ve only had 1 but we’re mostly likely definitely going out to eat and it is SO HARD to resist DC at restaurants. I’m not even at all concerned about cutting coffee out – I hardly ever drink it. Sushi? I’ll miss ya, but at least I can go to a Japanese restaurant and eat the cooked stuff during our TWWs and eventual 9MW. But Diet Coke … you are my Everest. I’m thinking maybe I should force myself to blog about how I’m doing. Will y’all hold me to it?

Update: yay raw fish! (I forgot to take the pic until I’d downed a bunch … guess I was a bit hangry).

Update #2: I had water with dinner. Yay me.