Riley at 2.5

If I’m going to get back in the swing of writing, I’d really like to be documenting my big kid’s life more. Don’t get me wrong – her life is WELL documented from a photographic standpoint. But I find that I stopped writing things down when the “baby book” phase ended and she turned 1. (Side note: we didn’t have a true baby book, but had a calendar that encouraged documenting a few things each month along with all of the classic “firsts”).

So without further ado, Riley at 2 and a half is …

• The sweetest, happiest little person I’ve ever met.
• Insanely demanding, whiny, and unreasonable.
• She loves: books, music, dancing, coloring with markers, “cooking” in her kitchen (usually sushi, pancakes, and pizza), playing in her sand table, playing on the playground, talking about her friends
• She hates: trying new foods, eating full meals, being told “no,” naps
• Some funny (or just fun) things she has said recently:
  • Momma, I help you blow the lawn?
  • Don’t put lotion on my haircut! (referring to her painted toenails)
  • This is you birthmark? We go to the store, you buy me a birthmark?
  • That’s so silly. That’s silly buying birthmarks at the store. We buy grapes at the store! Grapes and avocado at the store.
  • *pointing to my brother’s mustache that he has had her entire life* What’s this? This? It’s my mustache You mustache? Yeah *touching her lip* I no have a mustache. I only have eyebrows.
  • She calls Lucky Charms “yucky charms”
• Her favorite foods are: Lucky Charms, chili, and Wegmans’ peach applesauce pouches.
• She had a growth spurt in the last few months. Now she wears 3T clothing and size 5 shoes.
• Her favorite color is pink (go figure)
• She potty trained in 1 weekend and has had a grand total of 4 accidents in her life (it’s been just over a month). She stays dry at nap time and almost always overnight, though we still do pull ups overnight because she won’t poop on the potty and just waits for her pull up.
• She is sick all. the. time. I am fairly certain she had fewer than 10 truly healthy days between November and May. We just recently got a week or two of healthy and now we’re right back in another cold/cough. Whenever she has a cold she goes on a preventative/steroid inhaler that makes her impulsive and a little angry. I can’t wait for her to have longer healthy stretches so we don’t have to worry about whether she’s going to impulsively smack us in the face all day.
• She is so sweet to her baby sister. She reads her books, strokes her face, and hugs her at any opportunity.
• When Kellan was born, Riley went through about an 8 week phase of being, for lack of a better word, bad. She was clearly reeling from the sudden decrease in attention. I’m glad she took it out on us rather than the baby but it was a tough season! She would throw food at every meal and say no to literally every request, but then she came out of it and was back to her laid back, happy, generally compliant self. Thank God.
• She wants so badly to be independent, but still needs help with things like dressing and going to the bathroom. That’s hard for her but she gets more independent every day!
• In April (2 years 5 months), she learned how to go down stairs by herself, and she has been gaining independence at a rapid pace since then.

She’s here! 4 months later …

WELL I am obviously getting progressively worse at documenting these things with age. So though this is about 4 months late … it’s a girl!!

Kellan was born on February 6, 2019. She came via C-section and her birth story is something. I think I’ll put it up as a separate post for posterity. She’s a joy. Her sister is in love (for the most part). I can’t believe she is already 4 months old!

Kellan is a happy little chunk. Like her big sister, she really struggled to get the hang of breastfeeding. She also took 3 weeks to get back to her birth weight despite eating well and getting supplementation the whole time. I guess my kids just take 3 weeks to bounce back. I suspect they both took on a lot of water weight during the lead up to my C-sections, so I think that inflated the weight loss quite a bit. As you can see, she’s not wasting away.

At 4 months old, Kellan …

• Is very smiley, especially when looking at faces up close. She laughs when you bring her toes up to her cheeks or when you do a gasping laugh.
• Is SO chill. She only cries when there’s something wrong (over tired, over hungry, needs a diaper change, or is trying to work out a poop). She’s happy to be in her car seat (unlike her sister at that age) and generally doesn’t complain.
• Loves her playmat just like Riley did! She can hang out on her back on the playmat for a good chunk of time, talking to, grabbing, and eating her animal friends. She seems partial to the zebra. I get it.
• Eating: When she is with me, she exclusively breastfeeds. She is super predictable and eats every 3 hours during the day. We just weaned off of the nipple shield a week ago, and she suddenly got 50% faster/more efficient (cue the anxiety that something was wrong – but my boobs are emptying and she is satisfied so she must just be better at nursing now). She has had 4 colds already (ugh daycare germs) and really struggles to nurse when she’s congested. She does NOT like bottles and tends to hold out to nurse. She gets 3 bottles at daycare – yesterday they were 3oz, 3oz, and 2oz. Last week she took 4 oz bottles which was amazing. Prior to that, she was taking a max of 10oz while away from me for 10+ hours. She tends to eat twice over night – around 10:30 and then anywhere between 2 and 5. Sometimes she skips the early morning feed and will go straight from 10:30-6:30 or so.
• Sleep: Kellan sleeps like a champ at night, in a bassinet in our room. We put her down sometime between 6:30 and 8pm (depending on her rest-of-the-day schedule), and she falls asleep on her own with minimal fussing. She naps 3 times a day, and will fall asleep on her own then too (in the Merlin suit). I nurse her to sleep at night but she isn’t reliant on it which is great. Here’s hoping we keep that up. She never took a binky, and recently found her hand to suck on. Jury’s out on whether she’ll turn into a finger/thumb sucker to self soothe. Either way, she’s able to self soothe to sleep when she has the suit on.
• Play/communication: Kellan loves to coo and babble with people and with her hanging animal friends. She is obsessed with watching whatever her sister is doing, and tends to find her hilarious. She is very mellow and will just chill with her hanging toys and watch what’s happening around her.
• Motor: Kellan likes tummy time if she’s propped up on a pillow (like putting the boppy under her arms). She’s not such a fan if she’s directly on the floor. She doesn’t really push up with her arms at all, but holds her head up well/has good neck strength. She is able to grasp hanging toys and bring them to her mouth, brings her hands together at midline, and can get her hand in her mouth to suck on pretty well.
• Health: Kellan started out life with super sensitive skin like her sister. We were pretty worried she would end up with significant eczema and probably food allergies (Riley has a laundry list of severe/anaphylactic food allergies). I had to cut out dairy and soy as her poop tested positive for blood around 2 months. At this point, I’ve added back soy with no problem but am still avoiding dairy. We recently had her tested via blood test for all of Riley’s allergies (milk, eggs, wheat, peanuts, tree nuts, sesame, and fish) plus soy. And they all came back negative! Her skin has been relatively clear (she tends to get a little rashy with colds) – no cradle cap (knock on wood), yeast infections, or widespread eczema like her sister. She has, however, had at least 3 colds and seems to be starting in on her 4th. Riley was healthy for the first 6 months of her life, though I suppose that is because she didn’t go to daycare until 6 months. Kellan was home for almost 4 months, but Riley was obviously bringing the daycare germs home with her. Here’s hoping the summer season brings with it fewer germs and healthier kids.

Kellan looked SO much like Riley when she was born – they have the same giant cheeks, tiny mouth, and button nose. But it turns out that their eyes are very different! Kellan’s look a lot like mine. They’re blue for now but seem a little darker than her sister’s, and I wonder if they’ll change. She’s such a chunky, happy baby. She’s just starting to get some stranger anxiety.

Just a few weeks ago we started cloth diapering Kellan. We used disposables with Riley and with Kellan for the first few months, but I have been curious about cloth and had the opportunity to buy a used lot of diapers for a really good price so I went for it. It’s been easier than I expected! I don’t have any misconceptions about the fact that cloth and disposable actually have an almost equal environmental impact, just in different ways … but it does feel nice to be generating less waste. Also they’re cute.

I’ll be back with her birth story soon!

IVF: Let’s Get This Party Started

I’m sitting here right at the beginning of my very first (hopefully only!?) IVF cycle. This post may perhaps be slightly boring if you are not super interested in exactly what protocol I am using and what led me to IVF. If that doesn’t sound fun to you, feel free to read something else. I can recommend a couple hundred lesbian romance novels if you’re interested.

SO IUI #12 was a bust (which was actually a relief, because can you imagine if it worked on the last try before insurance kicked in?! And then I got to start all over again with the out of pocket bullshit when we try for number two?!) – got my BFN at the beginning of November and immediately submitted for IVF prior approval. Having done this twice already, I felt like a champ at urging my RE to get the paperwork in, etc … and I also felt very certain they were going to deny it for no good reason again. Miracle of miracles it was approved! As I mentioned in my last post, I was traveling a lot during the month of November so knew it probably wouldn’t work with the constant monitoring that IVF requires. That said, I was hell bent on not waiting until the new year to get this started.

My RE’s initial plan was to wait for my next period and then start IVF. But I can do math, so I knew that that was never going to happen without running straight through Christmas. I spend Christmas several states away in Ohio with my family, so trying to do a retrieval or transfer around the holiday is a no-go. I have a friend who is also starting IVF this week and her RE had put her on birth control as a way to both suppress her ovaries as well as allow them to time her cycle as soon as insurance approval came through. I asked my RE if I could do the same and she agreed (without even any discussion which makes me think … how do you make these decisions? … but whatever), so I started birth control in early November on day 3 of my cycle. So birth control is fun times, huh? Also, it’s free?! Thanks, Obama!

I had a suppression check (baseline ultrasound as well as bloodwork) yesterday and they told me that after that they would know whether we could start my stim meds in the next couple days. So then I get the results voicemail and they’re like “okay so you are going to start your gonal-f tonight, and inject 300 IUs for the next 4 nights until you come back on Friday for another ultrasound and bloodwork.” I totally didn’t expect to start that day! I haven’t even gotten my period yet but apparently that doesn’t matter. I assume I’ll still have a period this cycle? I don’t even know. Ah!

So last night was the night! I took one of my Gonal-F pens out of my refrigerator and dialed the handy-dandy dose dialer thing to 300 and went for it! I have to say that all of the syringes and needles and putting the needle on the pen and everything is fairly overwhelming. How have y’all tracked your IVF meds? Right now I’m using Fertility Friend but I let my subscription expire so it doesn’t give me the whole grid with my custom meds on it. Should I pay for that subscription again or is there another/better way to keep track?

The plan from here … Gonal-F every night through Thursday night, ultrasound and bloodwork again first thing Friday morning and I’ll have further instructions. My protocol from there as I understand it is:

• Ganirelix in the AM to keep me from ovulating
• Gonal-F in the PM still
• Add Menopur in the PM
• Keep going until I’m ready to pop
• Novarel to trigger ovulation
• Retrieval
• Fresh transfer?
• Crinone after transfer (ugh I hate this damn goop)
• Vivelle patches after transfer

IF I don’t hyper stimulate (oh! another poll – how many of y’all hyper stimulated and had to wait and do a frozen transfer?), we’re hoping for a fresh transfer on day 3 or 5 post-retrieval. I opted NOT to do ICSI because it was not covered by insurance and my doctor seemed to think it was better to try without. I’m really hoping we get more than enough embryos so that we can freeze some for baby numero dos. I feel so lucky that insurance is covering this all at 100% other than my 10% co-insurance and my medication co-pays. I think I ended up having to pay around $700 for the co-insurance (I have an out-of-pocket yearly maximum that I was almost at, so I just had to pay that and not the whole 10%) and $130 or so for the medication co-pays. Of course, that’s after we sunk $18,000 into IUIs and sperm over the past almost 2 years, so we could have just paid for IVF out of pocket up front. But now that I qualified for fertility coverage, I am automatically already qualified when we try again.

Things I am anxious about now that I don’t have to be anxious about ovulation and timing:

• That my body won’t respond well to the stimulation
• That my body will respond slowly and it will fuck up my Christmas travel plans
• That I won’t have any viable eggs
• That none of the eggs will fertilize
• That we won’t have any good embryos
• That we won’t have any embryos left to freeze

Well, I have to be anxious about something right? Here’s to new adventures and to being back in the blog-o-sphere!

Anyone Still Out There?

Oh my goodness where have I been? Well … at any rate, I’m back. Anyone still out there reading?

I took some time off from blogging for a few reasons. The first being my first ever experience with depression. I don’t think it was entirely TTC-related (though I’m sure it contributed), but it was not a fun time for me. Or for the wife of course, though she was wonderfully supportive. I believe I’ve talked about my OCD on here before, but if not I will now. After the depression lifted (it took maybe a month or two?) my OCD kicked in full force. Lots of anxiety and compulsions … all fun stuff.

Reason number 2? Things weren’t going well in TTC land and I didn’t want to think about it any more than I had to. So I stopped writing (and reading) and tried to focus on other things in my life. I also chose that time to become completely obsessed with reading lesbian fiction, which I’m not at all ashamed of (okay, maybe a little). But seriously lesbifriends, there’s some great romance out there for us. Also, reading quick, guaranteed-happy-ending, romance novels is a great way to escape and get the happy feels going.

The last reason I haven’t been back for a while is that I opened up to a few friends about TTC and suddenly had some more people to talk to about it. It’s been nice to have that outlet, but (as you all know I’m sure), people who aren’t going through all this fertility razzamatazz don’t really get it.

SO that’s what brings me back, and I’m so ready to be back here now. I hope I can reconnect with you guys as I try to catch up on everyone else’s journeys – and of course get you caught up on mine.

I last checked in back in February when I had just had BFN #7. If you really want the facts of what’s happened since, I updated my timeline page. The short version? Insurance denied me coverage twice so I paid out of pocket for 5 more IUIs, all (obviously) BFNs. Now, with 12 failed IUIs under my belt, I’m headed into IVF land. I’m actually going to write another post about my IVF plans and protocol specifics so I’ll leave you with that. I’ve missed you, cyberfriends, and I am happy to be back 🙂

 

Fourth time’s the charm?

I never get it together to blog during the first half of my cycle. You know, the boring part. 

Anyway, yesterday I had my fourth IUI. I hemmed and hawed trying to decide whether to skip this cycle or not. To recap – the plan was to start Clomid, ultrasound monitoring, and a trigger shot this cycle. However, my vacation plans would have affected the schedule of ultrasounds, so that was out. I had trouble deciding whether to skip this cycle and conserve my remaining 2 vials of first-choice-donor for more monitored cycles. But also I am no good at waiting. As you already know, my impatience won out.

I got my positive OPK on Friday morning, paid the “same day transaction” fee to get a vial of sperm before they closed Friday (our bank isn’t open on weekends), and scheduled an IUI for Saturday at 11am. I feel pretty good about the timing this time. The last 2 cycles I’ve had my temp rise the day after my positive OPK, indicating that I’ve ovulated same day/had not-so-great timing with taking the OPKs in the first case. This month, I didn’t see my temp rise until today (IUI +1), so I am hopeful that the timing was closer to ideal. Our guy’s numbers were pretty good. Low-ish motility (40%) but high sperm count (66 million per mL).

I’m heading into this 2ww hopeful that I can keep my sanity and not obsess too much. If this one doesn’t end in a BFP – on to Clomid, ultrasound monitoring, and a trigger shot with our last vial of this donor.

On a personal note:

My wife and I had a spectacular time in Seattle for a 5-day vacation over Labor Day weekend. A real, live vacation. We weren’t there to visit family or friends (though I did get to catch up with a friend from high school who I haven’t seen in 10 years and her wife-to-be), go to a wedding, or attend a conference. It was really fantastic. We jammed a lot into 5 days (Mt. Rainier, salmon run, whale watch, great food, Space Needle, Chihuly, a Mariners game…), but it wasn’t overly planned. It was perfect.

Seattle from the Space Needle, Chihuly blown glass, amazing sushi, and playing Rumikub at Paradise Inn on Mt. Rainier. 

Also 4 is my lucky number. OK, I might actually be a little obsessed with the number 4. OK, I am officially clinically obsessed with the number 4 (I have OCD), so I’m hoping that means there’s some good juju out there in the Universe for a 4th try baby. I’ve got everything crossed. 

2WW 2.0

CD23
1 dpiui
2 dpo

It’s been 73 days since my first two week wait. Is it weird that I counted that? I really didn’t think I’d be going this long between tries!

My IUI was yesterday morning. This go around went so much smoother than the last overall. After I got my surge, I called the cryobank storage and set my pick up time for first thing the next morning (they require 24 hrs notice). I called my RE and scheduled my IUI for 11am. I really wanted it to be a bit earlier, but they need at least an hour (they schedule an hour and a half) to prepare the sperm sample. So I planned to drop the tank off at 9:30 and wait around for the 11am procedure. It was SO NICE that this fell on my day off. The difference between last cycle and this one is palpable – last time I tried to cancel my AM patient and they were already on their way from a whole other state, so I just cut them off really early and rushed there, then had to rush back to make it for my PM patient … it was maybe not the most serene environment for fertilization :). This time, the only thing I had to change was my acupuncture appointment.

Of course, things can’t be perfect, and it wouldn’t be right if I wasn’t obsessing over something, right? So i use OPKs pretty much first thing in the morning. It’s hard for me to do it at work, and I know that I HAVE to test before noon because otherwise the cryobank can’t schedule me for pick up first thing (which is necessary for my clinic). ANYWAY, my test on Tuesday morning was negative, and Wednesday morning was positive. The internet cheapie looked almost totally positive anyway. Since my RE said that “even a subtle surge” counts, I was already raring to go for Thursday. I confirmed with a CB digital around 9am, which was positive. Anyway, around 4 or 4:30pm I started feeling major ovulation pain on my right side. I took this as mostly a good thing – I’m glad I’m O’ing from my right this month, since my left was the one with the cyst so I don’t trust her as much.

The thing that I then started to obsess about was whether I was ovulating too early. I thought it took 24 hours from the surge (but, of course, I could have started surging immediately after my negative test the day prior and only caught the tail end of it on Wednesday morning – putting a Wednesday evening ovulation within the realm of possibility). So then I was Googling things like “does ovulation pain happen before, during, or after ovulation?” etc. I tried to put my mind to rest about it and go to bed thinking peaceful thoughts. I was channeling my acupuncture sessions and even tried to sleep on my back with a pillow under my knees like I do in acupuncture. 

When I woke up on Thursday morning and took my temperature, it had spiked way up overnight. So I guess I did, in fact, ovulate on Wednesday evening. Despite everything else seemingly going perfectly, I was thinking about the timing thing all morning. The nurse who did my IUI wasn’t worried at all and said I should stop Googling things (fair point). I do feel very confident that I didn’t ovulate BEFORE 4pm at all. This cycle the ovulation pain/sensation was really clear and very obvious. It lasted at least until I went to bed, with the worst of it being between probably 5 and 7pm. So overall, I think I got the insemination in there while the egg was still viable, so I don’t think I flushed money down the vagina toilet this time around. My nurse said “I feel good about this one” – so take that with a grain of salt but it sure did make me feel nice 🙂

Also, the donor’s count was much higher than last time! 63 million sperm in that little vial! I think it was maybe 29 million last time, and 52% motility. The motility this cycle was 46%, but with such a high sperm count that’s still really good. 

SO anyway, now we wait (I’m sorry, aren’t we always waiting for something while TTC?). I’m still deciding whether I will drink while overseas or not. I’ve read a lot online (should I trust this?) that even if you are pregnant, those first weeks the embryo is not yet attached to your bloodstream at all, so drinking is a-ok. The whole “drink til it’s pink” idea. My nurse yesterday said, “just treat your body like you’re pregnant. Don’t smoke, cut down on caffeine, don’t drink … you know.” So I don’t know. I would only have a glass or two of wine here and there if I did drink, but I also don’t want to do it if there is any chance at all that it could affect my chances. Thoughts? I tend to err on the side of caution. 

I do like this two week period of being allowed to believe that I might actually be pregnant. Please let this be the one! Hey – it could happen.

 

One Year … and Updates

I started this blog post a week and a half ago. I’m not sure why I haven’t been posting, or why I never posted this, but here goes:

I don’t think I’ve talked about it much here, but my wife and I became foster parents last year. It was an amazing experience, and a huge milestone in our relationship with each other. We started thinking about fostering in October of 2012, and by May 2013 we were licensed and ready to go. Then, one year ago today (edit: not really today, actually a week and a half ago), we got a phone call that changed our lives forever. It was actually our third placement call, though the first two hadn’t worked out – one sibling set got placed with a family that didn’t need daycare, the other sibling set we said no to because they were out of our age range and we weren’t physically ready for that. But back to today (the figurative today), last year. We got a call. A baby girl, not yet 11 months old, had been removed early that morning and they were looking for a placement that day. One year ago. We said yes, the world flipped over entirely, and we became mamas. All in the span of about an hour.

As I’m sure you can surmise, we are no longer foster parenting that beautiful little girl. She lived with us for 2 months. She gave us the most joy we’ve ever had, and her subsequent removal caused us the most pain. We were entirely aware that our chances of being her forever family were slim to none – her goal was reunification with her family. We weren’t pre-adoptive parents, we were in it to provide temporary care – to help our community on a very concrete and immediate level. Yes, it was very difficult to say goodbye. Unfortunately, we weren’t really able to grieve and work through her leaving, because the circumstances of her leaving were very not ideal. Although we were prepared for the loss, it hit us in ways we hadn’t prepared us for. And afterward, we were left with this substantial loss. We were mamas without a baby. I can’t believe it’s been a year. I really don’t have much else to say about that, except that it would make it all the more meaningful if we were to get pregnant this cycle. I miss being a mom, and I miss that little one, every single day.

So onto the here and now:

• We went to my best friend’s wedding this weekend and it was an absolute blast. Major happiness hangovers all around. I can’t believe how lucky I am to have such beautiful, compassionate, fun, phenomenal people in my life. I’m also glad I didn’t ovulate before or during the wedding (I was totally convinced I would – I started getting EWCM last Wednesday).
• Today is CD21 and I got a positive OPK (internet cheapie mostly positive first thing this AM, Clear Blue digital positive at 9am) today. I’m impressed with my body for ovulating (hopefully) earlier than usual! This is the earliest surge I’ve had since I started charting.
• IUI 2.0 is scheduled for tomorrow morning! Tank pick-up at 9am, drive right to the clinic by 9:30 to drop it off for prep, and IUI scheduled for 11am.
• In a perfect twist of fate, my day off is tomorrow so I am not at all stressed about ovulation happening on a weekday. I do, however, have to change my acupuncture appointment (it is also scheduled for 11). Any thoughts on whether I should go to acupuncture immediately before or immediately after my IUI?
• I’m still scheduled to leave the country for a conference next Friday, so the end of my 2WW and my official test date will fall while I’m overseas and away from the wife. I’m trying to decide if I’ll bring a test with me and test there or just wait to see if my period arrives and if not, rely on the beta test when I return. Hard choices! I’m sure I’ll end up testing (I have no patience at all). After my last IUI, my period came a full 2 days early, which is very weird because my luteal phase has been a very consistent 13 days other than that 1 cycle. Anyway, AF is scheduled to arrive during the conference so that’s fun.

Send some baby dust my way, ladies! I really hope this one works. Even though it’s only our 2nd “attempt,” I feel like we’ve been trying since December (my first visit to the Doctor to get the ball rolling). I really thought we’d have more than 2 attempts in by July! I’m trying my best to put aside those thoughts and just think fertile and sticky thoughts.

Halfway There?

Even with my cornucopia of distractions, this 2WW is dragging on for months.

Today I am 7dpiui 8dpiui (oops, started writing this yesterday). One week ago today yesterday I spread my legs for a sperm-filled catheter to be inserted into my uterus. Awesome.

My wife and I had a lovely vacation in LA, visiting with good friends and family while eating nearly 24/7 (oy, diet started again today). Of the 4 days we were there, the temperature was in the 90s for 3 of them. The last day (of course) cooled off a bit. Honestly, the heat didn’t bother me too much – it just made it feel more like vacation! My Irish skin did crisp up a bit but nothing off the charts. We took a red eye and got back in yesterday at 8am, and both promptly went to work. That was a bit rough, but we made it through and I’m actually quite a bit more exhausted today than I was yesterday.

It was lovely to have a constant and fun 4-day distraction from the 2WW. I did very minimal obsessing over non-existent symptoms, which was awesome. Of course, now we’re back to reality and it’s only 8dpiui. Monday seems SOOO far away! I’m supposed to go in for a blood test on Monday, and I’m trying to wait until then to find out (or wait for AF to come to town Sunday or Monday). Since this is TTC cycle #1, I don’t have any pregnancy tests lying around the house to tempt me, so hopefully that works in my favor. Also, my mom and dad are coming to town for a visit this weekend, which will provide another beautiful distraction! My mom will be here tomorrow, and my dad will join us on Friday. I’m super pumped for their visit and the distraction THAT will bring as well. So I guess I’ll just allow myself to obsess today and tomorrow and try to let my parents distract me until Monday.

Symptom spotting: Well, we all know that symptoms mean nothing since they can be attributed to a million other things, but here I go anyway:

• 3 and 4dpiui – major bloating/swelling all over, most likely due to the cross-country flight I just took (I had to take my rings off and my pants were tight)
• 6dpiui – mild feeling of “tightness” (cramping? I don’t know if I would call it that) in my ovaries/uterus region, creamy CM
• 7dpiui – totally tired (obviously because I got 4 hours of sleep on a red eye, so this doesn’t really count), same tightness/cramping feeling occasionally throughout the day, bloating (this time it seemed focused on my abdominal region, the rings stayed on), gassy
• 8dpiui – still tired (again, most likely due to the whole not-sleeping-well-on-a-plane thing), very gassy, definite cramps (feels premenstrual) at times

My temps have stayed up since last Monday. They crept up more slowly than I would have liked (it’s so much more satisfying to see a nice spike), but what can you do. The last two days have been a bit of a dip (not even close to below the cover line) – I’m hoping they go back up again tomorrow and maybe it was an implantation dip? (Wishful thinking).

So that’s it for my crazy thoughts for today. Honestly, this blog is where I get to be obsessive and write it all down, but I do feel that I’ve been able to mostly carry on as normal so far, with only occasional obsessive moments. Here’s to the next 6 days, hopefully I maintain only a moderately obsessive level of crazy.

Surprise!

IUI #1 was today instead of tomorrow – surprise!

I’m not sure I can even come close to writing in an organized fashion right now, so bear with me.

• I was up tossing and turning all night last night, which is really notable for me as I am a ridiculously sound sleeper (I have literally slept through fire alarms). My poor wife was reminded just how sound a sleeper I usually am (and probably just how light a sleeper she is) and got just as little sleep. I was just too anxious to even be able to consider resting my brain for the night. Obviously all of the question marks surrounding the timing of my positive OPK yesterday left me really uneasy with the plan (actually, it really felt like there wasn’t a plan at all – just a vague idea of calling in the morning to set up an IUI for Tuesday, and somehow scheduling a same-day tank swap at the bank to keep us in the guarantee, which they don’t even do …). I knew that I would feel better just by talking to someone at the RE’s office, and that did turn out to be the case.
• I did an OPK (internet cheapie AND Clear Blue digital) this morning, which was negative. The internet test still had a dark test line, but lighter than the control line, and the CB came up with a big fat O. This spun my already anxious brain into new heights of what-ifs. Also – if I hadn’t done that afternoon test they yelled at me about yesterday I wouldn’t have caught it at all!
• I got my fav nurse, Tracy, on the phone around 8:15 this morning. They technically don’t open until 8:30 so that was good but I was still in crazy-freakout-anxious mode because nothing was resolved, and I was in the car on my way to work. Anyway, Tracy was great and consulted with my RE, and they both agreed that even the “subtle surge” of yesterday morning was enough to do the IUI today. So that became the plan.
• As soon as the plan was to do the IUI today, it was like a magic wand had erased all of the tension in my body. It feels like that was the right thing to do, and it solved the issue that I hadn’t yet gotten to solving – the tank swap. Since the guarantee was good through today, we didn’t have to worry about it at all. (Phew)
• Of course, last minute plans tend to throw all sorts of things out of whack – so I had a crazy morning trying to re-schedule my 10:00 patient, who was already en route from a whole other state … Long story short, I didn’t reschedule them – I just did a shortened eval and rushed out as soon as they stepped out of my office door to make my 11:45 IUI appointment. Afterward, I rushed back to be here in time for my 1:00 patient, who didn’t show. Go figure.
• The IUI itself was interesting. I had a full bladder, and the only discomfort I felt was from the speculum. So maybe that was because of the bladder? Or maybe I just was distracted from any cervix pain by the duck lips in my vag. When she pushed the sperm in, it made the weirdest sound – is that normal? My wife cracked up at the sound of it, so if this IUI makes a baby, it will have had a very humorous start. The vial was SO SMALL – how could there have been enough sperm in there to make a baby?? Overall, it went much more smoothly than I was expecting. The nurse commented on my CM looking good (officially weirdest compliment I’ve ever received but I’ll take it), and his numbers sounded fine. The count was 29 million, and 52% motility. They said they look for anything over 20 million and 50% motility. I would have loved to hear that the motility was higher but I really have no frame of reference for what to expect.

If you got through all of that – good for you. If you scrolled to the end to get the important deets, here ya go:

1. My surge is apparently short. Or weak. I don’t know. What does that mean? Nurse Tracy said I should ideally test mid-morning, once/day for best results. I think that may affect sperm retrieval from the bank if they need 24 hours notice though… I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.
2. IUI #1 is officially over
3. I am now in my very first TWW … let the Googling and symptom-spotting begin
4. This is officially the closest I’ve ever been to pregnant
5. Sperm makes a funny sound going in

Here’s to the two week wait! We’ve promised each other to be as normal as possible, distract ourselves, and not test at all (until the blood test on May 12) … feel free to make fun of me tomorrow when I start obsessing and buy a home pregnancy test. So glad I have a couple of wait buddies out here in the blog-o-sphere!

Counting Blessings

It is SO easy to get caught up in the uncertainty and annoyances of TTC, and I feel that my thinking has become very anxious and negative overall.  I would usually describe myself as an extreme optimist, so these negative feelings and the doubt creeping in really affects me. A little reminder to look at the big picture went a long way for me today, and I am really happy to be getting my TTC thoughts back in the positive category.

I was watching Mystery Diagnosis (UGH I KNOW … my weird guilty pleasure that I can only indulge in on my day off when dear wife is not home), and they profiled a woman who, at the start, was dealing with fertility issues. She went off the pill and her natural cycles weren’t coming back … Anyway, it ended up that she had a brain tumor (sitting on her pituitary gland) that she never would have found if not for trying to start her family. I just couldn’t stop thinking about how much more she suddenly had to deal with and how scary and hard it must have been … not to mention having to put TTC plans aside. She went on to make a full recovery and have two beautiful children, which is a lovely and hopeful ending, but wasn’t really the reason the piece affected me. Moreso, it reminded me a) to count my blessings. I am relatively healthy and am at least sometimes able to ovulate on my own, and I don’t have any larger health issues that are precluding me from TTC or getting on with my life; and b) that there is a larger picture here and that I am TOO focused on the minutia leading up to it. I need to let go and let things happen, because it’ll all come together in whatever way it is supposed to.
*(It is likely that right now you are thinking “what a wack-a-doodle this chick is for not only watching Mystery Diagnosis, but having some sort of spiritual epiphany over it” … and I can’t argue with ya there.)

OK so big picture epiphany rant aside, here’s the buzz:

• I did not surge today.
• I DID get more EWCM today – not a ton, but some which is enough for me right now, because it means my body is at least doing something in there.
• I have decided to do OPKs twice per day – once when I wake up (around 6:30am), and again before dinner (around 6:30pm). I’m kind of paranoid about missing my surge. I think I read on Fertility Friend somewhere that LH usually surges over a 24-48 hour period, and that it usually starts early morning so a mid-day test is the best idea? I work in an outpatient clinic and it would be not only weird but also pretty difficult to test mid-day, so I’m sticking to my guns on this one but I think you can see what types of things I’ve been Googling on my day off …
• I have been using the cheap-o OPK test strips (bought on Amazon) for the last 2 cycles. Our good friends donated an unopened pack of Clear Blue digitals because they are going to expire in July and they aren’t trying for #2 yet. So I cracked those open today because I was excited to learn how they work [oh god, who am I?], and that was a fun part of my day. I think these are the kind with the flashing face when you are “approaching,” which my RE warned me was going to send me into a panic so I’ll reserve judgement until that happens, but it was nice to not have to set my timer to know when to read it.
• I’m hoping to convince my lady to go to sushi tonight because [knock on wood] [hopefully] I’ll be inseminating in the next few days and not able to eat it for at least 2 weeks and hopefully more. I think my convincing powers are good so here’s hoping for a yummy dinner date.
• Probably the most ridiculous difficult thing I’m trying to do right now in my “preconception planning” is to quit Diet Coke. Dear Lord this is a difficult task. I tried to cut down to 1/day this week and was successful for a total of 2 days. Today I’ve only had 1 but we’re mostly likely definitely going out to eat and it is SO HARD to resist DC at restaurants. I’m not even at all concerned about cutting coffee out – I hardly ever drink it. Sushi? I’ll miss ya, but at least I can go to a Japanese restaurant and eat the cooked stuff during our TWWs and eventual 9MW. But Diet Coke … you are my Everest. I’m thinking maybe I should force myself to blog about how I’m doing. Will y’all hold me to it?

Update: yay raw fish! (I forgot to take the pic until I’d downed a bunch … guess I was a bit hangry).

Update #2: I had water with dinner. Yay me.