Not being pregnant. Again.
To start, I had an “IUI #7” post that got lost somewhere in the WordPress Bermuda triangle. So, ya know, I had another IUI 2 weeks ago, and it didn’t work. Now we’re all up to speed.
I feel like I have been a super positive Polly about TTC in general since we got started. I mean, I’ve had the expected ups and downs with each cycle, but have generally maintained a certain level of hope and excitement about being pregnant in the near future, at the right time, blah blah blah.
Today? Not so much. I’m feeling, for the first time, really let down, sad, and hopeless. I know that this feeling will probably only last for a day or two because the progesterone will slip away and my estrogen will increase and my brain will feel happier. But right now – right now I feel super super bummed out.
I remember perusing lesbian TTC blogs forever ago (in grad school maybe?) … back when it was very not real … and reading through some people’s timelines and totally freaking out. I remember thinking, “wow, they tried like 5 times before it worked?!” And here I am, almost a year later, with nothing to show for it. I feel like my worst fears are coming true. And on top of that, at least 3 different doctors/nurses/medical-types have mentioned IVF in the past few weeks. Actually, my nurse (my favorite nurse) mentioned that we might want to consider it literally right after the IUI. I would’ve loved at least a day or two of pretending that this one was going to work.
Honestly, I am totally comfortable with the idea of IVF. I’m not scared of it, and I have accepted that it is a thing that I might have to do. And I know how lucky I am that it will be covered by insurance, and that cost doesn’t factor in too much anymore. But right now, it just makes me so sad that I am inching ever closer to IVF. That I am inching closer to the Hail Mary option. The option that doesn’t have any more options after it. The option that takes longer than just a couple of weeks.
I know that the best thing for me to do is to focus on the next steps and the plan moving forward. So after I am done wallowing today, I’ll try to do that. What are the next steps? I scheduled an appointment to check in with my RE regarding the plan. Her next available was March 11th, and her next available Thursday appointment (my day off) was March 26th. For now, I’m scheduled on the 26th. I’m certain we’ll talk about IVF. I told the nurse on the phone that I wanted to go ahead with at least one more IUI cycle. Of course, I consulted Dr. Google today (will I never learn?) and found out that the success rates for IUI drop after 4 or 5 unsuccessful cycles. Great. Onto IUI cycle number 8 then …
I’ll happily accept any words of encouragement/hope/etc from y’all. I sincerely dislike feeling like such a downer. Hey – at least it’s the weekend, right?