- That’s getting darker right? Like I’m still pregnant? (Those words don’t feel real to me)
- I’m dying inside having to wait for Monday for my blood test. What beta numbers should I expect at 12dp5dt?
- Also do I have to wait til Monday to find out when the orgasm moratorium is lifted. Because, really.
- I never thought I’d be the kind of person who takes a test every day and saves them to compare. No judgement, just didn’t think I’d do it. Then I did. And I’m not sorry.
- Is it too early to download a pregnancy app?
Category Archives: Just for Fun
I’m still sick (shocker) and don’t really have the energy to come up with anything witty or engaging so … Bullet points it is!
- LOL the “fun stuff” title is a joke
- I hate being sick
- I took a sick day yesterday (quite possibly my first one at this job? Maybe second), which was an excellent idea but didn’t make me be not sick so ugh.
- Went back to work today and spent the whole time playing catch up from yesterday/the weekend so I is t get to feel any actual productivity. I mean, I saw 2 patients (I’m a speech language pathologist at a Children’s hospital – have we talked about that?) but didn’t check anything off my massive to do list.
- I voted! So that felt good but also good lord I’m terrified at the results of the republican primaries … This feels like a joke that has gone on too long and someone forgot the punchline.
- I started a new book last night – Winter’s Harbor by Aurora Rey. I’m really liking the writing and story so far but I’m on chapter 6 so no real opinions yet. Perhaps tomorrow or Thursday I can give y’all a recommendation. I will say that I am a total sucker for any story set in Provincetown (Radclyffe’s Provincetown Tales anyone? Swoon)
- My sinus-y sickness has moved south. On Sunday and Monday I had maybe a total of 2 hours of time when one nostril was open for business. Mouth breathing is not pretty and also not comfortable. I woke up every hour on Saturday and Sunday nights. Today I’ve had at least 1 open all day! And I slept all night last night! But now I have a painful cough (and that mucous that vacated my sinuses seems to have headed for my lungs). Pretty picture right? I bet you are all bummed you’re not my wife right now. And I can hear the tiny violin songs from here.
- I’m dying to test (I mean, it’s 6dp5dt, totally reasonable) but I’m also terrified it’ll be negative and want to keep the hope alive. I am certain that I will test by Friday/Saturday at the latest. I’ve never felt so conflicted. Gah.
- I am officially laughing at myself from like a week ago when I said that the progesterone didn’t hurt. I constantly feel like I did a serious ass workout yesterday and am majorly sore. But of course I haven’t worked out, just let my wife stab me in the ass muscle every evening.
You guys, I am sick. I think “fun stuff” is going to take on a sarcastic tone today.
Yesterday my throat started to feel a little raw. I was kind of hoping it was the dry air or ridiculous fluctuating temperature in Boston or something. Nope! Not so. Today I feel like death warmed over. I’m thinking perhaps it’s a sinus infection with a focus on the post nasal drip?
Aaaaarrrrggghh I’m so uncomfortable! I tossed and turned all night last night. Also … I can’t really take anything can I? I usually trust my life to TheraFlu but I am pretty sure I’m only allowed to take Tylenol and suck on lozenges. So that’s what I’m doing. I also NetiPotted. It didn’t help. Y’all. I need some pity. Or, preferably, magic juju that makes me feel better in the morning. Can I take a decongestant? What am I allowed to do to make me feel better that will not mess up my potential pregnancy??
On a less self-pitying note, I finished Rulebreaker. I actually quite enjoyed it! And it was only $1.74 or something ridiculous like that! Alright I’m off to “watch the Oscars” slash grumble about the lack of diversity and the Carol snub slash probably fall asleep real soon.
Look at me blogging two days in a row! What a winner!
I didn’t finish my book yet. It is keeping me on the edge of my seat a little too much for my current zen-seeking liking so I’m taking it slow. BUT I still have a fun thing for today!
Who else is obsessed with Hamilton? Anyone? I’ve been obsessively listening since Thanksgiving. Please tell me I’m not the only Hamil-nerd? It’s so goooooodddd. And today I think I almost memorized the lyrics to Guns and Ships. I am very impressive, no?
Also just did day 2 of my higher progesterone dose. YOU GUYS I JINXED IT. My ass is now super sore on both sides. Ugh. Hopefully it’ll be worth it.
By request, I’m going to post about fun stuff – namely whatever lesbian fiction novel I’m reading and maybe also crafty things if I get stir crazy enough to start crafting again – during this TWW. So hang on to your hats, folks.
Today’s BOTD (book of the day?) is Rulebreaker by Cathy Pegau.
This is not a book that I would typically pick up (okay, lez be honest, download), but I read a review and that review told me that the book was only $1.74 for Kindle. It seemed interesting enough to give the old college try for less than the cost of a soda, so I went for it. It’s a sci fi romance and I don’t know why I’m writing about it because I’m only 2 chapters in. So far the writing is not terrible (you’d be surprised how many terribly written/edited lesbian romances are out there for the buying), and I’m getting pretty interested in the alternate universe that the author has created. It’s written from the perspective of a woman (Liv) who is a thief. Her ex-husband is also a thief and comes back into her life to rope her into a very big (much-bigger-than-anything-they’ve-done-before) job that Liv decides to do because then she can retire and get away from the ex husband and not have to continue to live the boring menial life she has now.
That’s about all I know so far but the blurb says that she is going to go undercover as the assistant to a woman who is the VP at a big company. Liv is supposed to steal secrets I think, but instead she falls in love with the VP I’m assuming. Honestly I’m much more invested than I expected to be given that it’s not typically a story I’d jump at reading, so hopefully that continues as I get further into the book. But also I’ve barely started it so this is most certainly not a review.
I do most of my reading on a Kindle. I was one of those people who, up until a year ago, was anti-Kindle because real books smell so good and technology is bad and what is this world coming to?! But then I started reading lesbian fiction which is hard to come by in actual hard copy at a bookstore, and there are no more gay bookstores anymore anyway, and oh, hey, look, Kindle books are also a lot cheaper than real books … so I gave in. And I’m a total 100% convert because it’s so light and it can hold hundreds of books and (honestly, this is the big one) instant gratification you guys.
So for about 6-9 months or so I’ve been reading on a Kindle. I’ve read upwards of 140 books, mostly lesbian fiction, in that time (yeesh, I know), and they all fit on my Kindle so I can re-read them whenever the hell I want and also there’s still TONS of room left for more. But the point of all of this rambling is that I recently organized my Kindle books into neat little folders and it makes me so so happy. It also makes me a little tiny bit embarrassed at how many queer romance novels (okay, they’re not all straight up romance novels but if we’re being honest they all have at least a little romance in them) I’ve read. But obviously not embarrassed enough to share this fact with the internet. So LOOK at all of my neat little folders! There are 3 pages of them! I put all of my unread books in one place! And I can find my favorite authors and series so easily! GUSH
What are y’all reading? (it doesn’t have to be lesfic for me to care)
Oh! If you are into lesfic though, you should definitely check out this website – I get the weekly e-mail and follow them on Twitter as well. When I run out of books that I know I want to read (favorite authors, etc), The Lesbian Review is my first stop to find something new to read. I also look at top sellers on Amazon and lists on Goodreads, but that can be too much info to sort through sometimes! And I think that the Amazon best sellers lists get kind of skewed by books that are eligible for Kindle Unlimited (you can pay monthly for free access to certain books) – there are some great lesfic books eligible for Kindle Unlimited but there are also a lot of under edited books on there that get “best seller” status because when lots of people download them because they’re free but not because they’re good. I have nothing to do with The Lesbian Review by the way, just passing along a resource that I like 🙂
So that’s my fun stuff for today. Let’s see if I can get my adult together enough to post something tomorrow too? A girl can dream!
Quick fertility update: I got my progesterone results back. The nurse said it was at 16, which is probably fine but they like to see it at 20 so I get to up my PIO dose to 2mL per day. She gave me the option of adding a second shot in the morning or just doubling the dose in my evening shot. Uhhhhh, why would I choose to get poked twice as much?! So tonight we will see how Em does when it takes twice as long. Oh joy.
As I am sure many of you already know, today is National Coming Out Day. Every year when October 11th rolls around, I start the day by wondering why we need to have it. In truth, that thought is wishful thinking. Em and I live in the “Boston Bubble,” where our rights are really equal and almost no one bats an eye. I have to remind myself that that is not what it is like everywhere else – and that’s when I remember why National Coming Out Day (and coming out in general) is important. The attitude in the US toward marriage equality is so rapidly changing for the better, which is so so fantastic.
“The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice.” -Martin Luther King Jr.
The domino game of states with marriage equality is the most amazing thing to witness, and makes me feel so validated and happy. And it is BECAUSE people keep coming out. When we come out, our friends and family and neighbors can put a face to the acronym. Coming out is totally necessary, and every single brave person who comes out – and every person they come out to – is a part of the movement toward equality.
Coming out is not a one-time thing. It’s not even a three- or four-time thing. I have to make decisions every week, sometimes every day, on whether to come out – to clients at work, while I’m getting my nails done, at the store … and I’m not always brave enough. I’m ashamed to say I often choose the easy way out. When the woman doing my nails compliments my ring and says something like “your husband has great taste!” – I often choose to respond, “I know he does!” And every time it feels inauthentic and a get a sinking feeling in my stomach. Like the truth isn’t comfortable or good enough for the moment.
So, for today, I’m going to share with all of you my coming out story (because, I mean, you already all know that I’m queer). Well, I’m going to share with you the beginning of my coming out story – because that story hasn’t ended (and probably won’t).
I came out to myself just after my 19th birthday. I was a freshman in college and I had spent the first semester harboring a serious crush on a girl who lived in my dorm. College was the first time I had met any queer women. Actually, that’s not true. One of my friends in high school came out as bi, but never acted on it and later “took it back.” She also used to say that she liked girls but she would “never have sex with a girl because vaginas are gross.” (I am in no way discounting her experience – more commenting that it didn’t have the same impact on me as meeting queer women who dated and slept with and were in relationships with other women). ANYWAY I spent a semester hanging out with this girl who I had a crush on every night, telling myself that it was a totally normal friendship to want to just lie in bed together for hours playing with each others’ hair, not even talking. And then I went home for winter break, and spent some time with an older friend (ha – she was probably 25 at the time?), who came out to me as bi. After validating her feelings and saying the things good friends say, I went down to my car and just sat there for probably 10 minutes. I just sat and thought and felt this big, life-altering thing bubble inside me. I thought to myself about how I had never really ever had a crush on a boy, and how I made excuses for that (there are just no cute boys in my little town!). I thought about how I often thought of girls in sexual ways, and that my constant attempts to tell myself that “that’s normal, a lot of teenagers think about people of the same sex without being gay” were just a big load of denial. I thought about my intense female friendships, and all of the feelings that I had squashed over the past few years. And I thought about that feeling that always crept in from the back of my mind. That feeling that I might be different. That feeling that I always pushed away so quickly that I never really thought it through. And when I was done thinking about those things, I texted the friend who had just come out to me, “me too. OK? now you know.” And that was it. I couldn’t take it back. I pressed send.
Hindsight is 20/20 of course. I was raised in a big Irish Catholic family, and we went to church every week. I had learned that it was “okay to be gay, but not okay to act on your feelings.” So luckily it wasn’t the hellfire and damnation viewpoint that gays will go to hell etc etc, but I certainly was raised to really really really not want to be gay. Now that I’m looking back, I can see all of the clues I missed. As one example (because this post is getting kind of long and I have to get up the courage to give myself a trigger shot in like a half hour), I recall going to my check up at the doctor when I was 12. I must have been 12, because I believe that that is the age when your medical information officially becomes not your parents’ business unless you want it to be – and my doctor gave me a survey to fill out with the assurance that only she would see it. It was mostly questions like Have you ever tried drugs? Have your friends tried drugs or alcohol? Do you feel safe at home? etc. But there was a prompt on the 3rd page or so that really stumped me. I am attracted to … __ boys __ girls __ both __ I don’t know. I remember so clearly sitting there and staring at the question. And I remember skipping it, filling out the rest of the packet, and then going back. I also remember being terrified because I didn’t even know why it was tripping me up so much. I am pretty sure I ended up checking off “both” or “I don’t know,” and then erasing it and checking of “boys” instead.
After sending that text and acknowledging, in print, that I wasn’t straight, I am pretty sure I cried for a good chunk of the drive home. But by the next morning I felt like a huge weight had lifted. Like, okay, that’s what that feeling is. I’ve mentioned before that I have OCD – my symptoms were very significant for the last 2 years of high school. I was having panic attacks multiple times each week. Once I sent that text, my anxiety significantly decreased. As a freshman at a fairly artsy college in Boston, I used to “do art” on the weekends with friends (sometimes under the influence), and often found myself drawing X’s over my mouth, which I never could explain – but it totally stopped after I sent that text. I went back to school and systematically came out to everyone who meant something to me. I was extraordinarily nervous every single time, but I didn’t experience one negative reaction. Most people were entirely nonchalant. It was actually kind of jarring that people were so blase about something that was so emotional and HUGE for me. Either way, I can’t complain. And after a couple of weeks, once everyone knew, it became just another thing about me and I was able to move onward and upward. It was so freeing and exhilarating.
I didn’t come out to my parents for another year and a quarter after that. I didn’t know where to begin, I was worried about how they’d react, and I had this irrational fear that they would send me to a conversion camp (they really would never ever do that – I don’t know why I fixated on that fear). On top of all of that, though, I didn’t know what to say. Back then, I really didn’t identify as a “lesbian.” I had come out as “bi” to most people, but that word didn’t sit right with me either. I knew I liked girls more, but wasn’t closing any doors. I kept telling people that I didn’t like labels, but that “love is tender and knows no gender.” On advice from some friends at my very first National Coming Out Day (October 11, 2006), I decided that the best way to do it would be to come out as in a relationship with someone, rather than with a label. So that was the plan. When I started seeing my first girlfriend (I wouldn’t even call her a girlfriend – just a girl who I dated), I thought about it and procrastinated. Then, like a month later (ha) when she broke up with me by starting to see some guy and calling me to ask advice about him, I was devastated and decided to call my mom and tell her all about it so she could comfort me. It took me 2 phone calls but I finally got it out. I managed to talk about this girl without using any pronouns at all for a full 5 minutes, and finally at the end said something like, “and it was a girl.” My mom cried because I was crying, but she told me that she and my dad loved me no matter what and just wanted me to be happy. It was just what I needed to hear, though I could tell in her voice that it was really hard for her to come to terms with. My parents have come a really long way and are nothing but supportive of me now, but it was something that didn’t really get talked much about after that phone call. I brought it up again a few months into my relationship with Em (probably 3 months after the initial phone call), and my mom said “it’s a girl again, isn’t it?” Like I said, they’ve come a long way since then.
Coming out was freeing, painful, terrifying, exhilarating, and the single best, bravest thing I’ve ever done. And it continues to be all of those things. It is so many things – and one of them is important.
“Gay brothers and sisters,…You must come out. Come out… to your parents… I know that it is hard and will hurt them but think about how they will hurt you in the voting booth! Come out to your relatives… come out to your friends… if indeed they are your friends. Come out to your neighbors… to your fellow workers… to the people who work where you eat and shop… come out only to the people you know, and who know you. Not to anyone else. But once and for all, break down the myths, destroy the lies and distortions. For your sake. For their sake.” -Harvey Milk
So, that’s my story. If you made it this far, I am sincerely impressed. Thank you for reading it.