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Not feeling super positive

Today is 7dp5dt (basically 12dpo). I’m not feeling any symptoms, which is fine. I’m also spotting a bit, which is less fine. It is honestly just a bit (once when I wiped but not since), but that paired with the brown tinged Crinone left overs (so gross, so sorry) has had me mostly counting this cycle out today. I’m also feeling a ton of anxiety this evening without a real discernible cause.

Anyway, I plan to test in the morning but I also plan to pack the menstrual cup for our weekend trip to DC. Blood test is on Monday (11dp5dt). Last ditch baby dust appreciated. Otherwise I’m guessing I’ll be back her waxing poetic about an FET cycle in May. Here goes nothing.

TWW fun stuff: 2 and 3dp5dt

Well, I broke my streak. Ah well, life goes on.

That doesn’t mean there was nothing fun about yesterday though! Yesterday was 2dp5dt, and we had good friends over for dinner, which was really nice. It’s also why I didn’t blog. Em made a delicious veal and mushroom sauce over pasta and our friends brought homemade swiss rolls. Delish.

Other news from yesterday – my best friend is pregnant. There are definitely mixed emotions there. She started trying about 6 or 7 months after us, but her insurance is better than ours in that they started paying for treatment after 6 failed IUIs. She has gone through a lot – 6 natural IUIs, 2 medicated IUIs, and now IVF. Our retrievals were within a week of each other back in December. They didn’t do a fresh transfer because they were doing genetic screening. Her frozen transfer was just over a week before ours this month. And it worked! I’m so happy for them. The twinge of jealousy is there, but I keep trying to remember that I’m “pregnant until proven otherwise” at the moment as well. I definitely feel like this might make it harder than it already would have been if this FET doesn’t work for us. But I’m staying optimistic. I hope that we get to make that same phone call to them next weekend. 🙂

My fun stuff for today: pineapple. I’m sure you’ve all read about pineapple (specifically pineapple core) and how it can help with implantation. The above mentioned friend ate pineapple I think every day after her transfer for a week or so. I was not planning on it, but maybe felt a little peer pressure via pregnancy-announcement-phone-call last night, so I had Em buy me a pineapple this morning. Pineapple core is gross/feels like chewing wood, so I decided to make a smoothie.

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I had Em cut up the pineapple for me, including the core, because I suck at such things. She did a lovely job. I got bananas, frozen strawberries, frozen mango, plain yogurt, and (not pictured) milk.

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I threw the following into the blender:

  • 1/2-2/3 cup frozen mango
  • 3/4-1 cup chopped pineapple (including the core)
  • 1 banana
  • 2 spoonfuls plain yogurt

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Voila! It was pretty delicious. It could probably have used a splash of milk to thin it out but I forgot to put it in so I drank it as is. Our blender did a pretty good job with the pineapple core. There were maybe 1 or 2 little pieces of core that I felt but it was generally smooth. And delish.

Have y’all tried pineapple core? As I was drinking my smoothie I did some internet research as to why people say to eat pineapple core. The source that I found reported that it is because pineapples (especially the core, but also the whole fruit) are a good source of an enzyme called bromelain, which acts like a natural aspirin (anti-inflammatory, blood thinner). So it may help with implantation by helping with inflammation and encouraging increased blood flow to the uterus. BUT that’s also why I’m taking baby aspirin so now I’m worried that I shouldn’t be doubling up. Always something to worry about, right? Jury is out on whether I will put the core into my smoothie tomorrow, but now that I have all of the stuff I’ll definitely be having smoothies with breakfast for the next week or so. 🙂

Plus they’re delicious.

I have been making a conscious effort to improve my healthy eating habits now that I am hopefully hosting a little growing human life. Honestly, Em and I eat fairly healthy in general. Em does all of the cooking (I know, I’m spoiled) – because she loves it and is good at it and we’ve been together since I was 20 so I never really learned. Anyway, we don’t eat out more than once, maybe twice, per week. The meals she cooks are usually made up of whole foods – nothing too processed, fresh proteins and produce, etc. Because of this, my lunches and dinners are well balanced, relatively healthy, and super delicious (I take dinner leftovers for lunch the next day).

My breakfast habits, on the other hand, leave something to be desired. I used to skip it altogether almost every day. Mainly because I am not a morning person and am late to work every day even without stopping to make/eat breakfast in my morning routine. For the past few months I’ve been taking a prenatal that upsets my stomach if I don’t eat right after taking it though, so I have been eating breakfast. The problem is that breakfast ends up being a very unhealthy meal for me. I’ve mostly been eating cereal (and not the whole grain kind) or like coffee cake or something equally terrible for me. This week I’ve been making myself eggs and fruit in the morning. Miraculously (lol, obviously not a miracle, just regular science), I feel fuller longer and have more energy in the mornings. Plus I feel better and I’m not snacking as much during the day (the other eating habit that I am trying to squash).

My new breakfast plan has been: 2 eggs, scrambled, with salt and pepper AND with 1/2 of a chicken apple sausage and a sprinkle of shredded cheese, and a little bit of fruit on the side (a few raspberries or an apple). I’ve also been packing extra fruit as snacks so I’m not tempted to go to the vending machine and buy cheez-its (my guilty pleasure snack) or chips or something. So far so good! I’m going through fruit a little faster than I’d like, but I’m hoping that the good things I’m putting in my body will translate to my body thanking me by holding on to that little embryo in there.

Happy weekend!

Try, try again

If you haven’t already ascertained from the title, today’s end to the two week wait brought a BFN with it.

I’m letting myself feel disappointed and dejected for a little bit, but already back on the self-talk bandwagon. “No big deal, we’ll just try again next cycle. Only 2-3 more weeks until we can try again – that’s not that long. Hey, at least I ovulated this time,” etc.

I was basically silent (but still lurking) on here for this two week wait. I think that this one is more disappointing to me than prior BFNs. I mean, it gets more disappointing each time. But in particular, I really got my hopes up yesterday. Usually my temperature slowly rises until about 7 or 8 dpo, then dances around until 12 dpo, when it starts to drop. Yesterday, at 13 dpo, I had a giant temp spike. I have been really good about getting up at 6-6:30 every morning to temp, so I know it wasn’t a time-related outlier. When I say spike, I mean it leapt from my normal “high temps” (around 97.9) at least .5 degrees to 98.4. I know that I should try to disregard temps while I’m on the Progesterone suppositories, but it really seemed notable.

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Anyway, it seemed notable enough that, paired with my nausea and lack of appetite, I was feeling really good about a BFP this month. So good that my wife and I decided I would test a day early (not something I usually do – I usually just test at 14 dpo so that I’m prepared for my blood test results when they call). Of course, as you now know, it was negative. I was so disappointed, but I also was able to talk myself (and my wife) into the possibility that it was the test. I had used an internet cheapie that a friend gifted to me, and it had some reviews online that pregnant women were saying their tests showed up negative even at like 6 weeks pregnant. All I needed was a little fuel to the fire and I was back on the hopeful bandwagon. Today’s temp was down again, but still way above the cover line, so my hope was up once again this morning when I peed in a cup and used one of my precious digital tests. I hopped in the shower hoping that when I poked my head out I would see “Pregnant 1-2 weeks” on the display. Nope. Man, those words “Not Pregnant” really cut through me this time.

Okay … onward and upward again! I talked to the clinic this afternoon when they called to tell me that I’m not pregnant twice (yes, they called twice. Like, one nurse called and told me, and then maybe didn’t mark my name off the list so another nurse called and told me again), and our plan moving forward is to jump right into another Femara cycle. I am waiting for a call back on 2 other things: 1) I asked the clinic to please try to submit for prior authorization for insurance to start covering. Because ultrasounds are damn expensive and someone told me like a year ago that the “12 documented IUIs” rule can be “6 document IUIs” if you have anovulatory cycles, which I do. So let’s see if that will happen. If it does not, there’s a chance I might try to skip the ultrasounds and trigger this time around. But if we’re being honest, I probably won’t. I really like the comfort of having the timing pinned down. Maybe I can avoid unnecessary early ultrasounds though. We shall see.

So that’s that. We’ll just keep on keeping on over here In the Baby Closet, and hope that one of these tries will take.

IUI #6

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IUI #6 was yesterday morning! I feel like it went well, all in all. I decided to take a half day off of work (I usually go in in the morning, leave for the IUI, and then go back – yesterday I didn’t go in until after the IUI), which was really lovely. Em and I were able to drive to the Cryobank together to pick up the sperm and drop it off at the clinic, and then we went to breakfast together at a sweet little creperie that I love. And I wore my lucky socks. Okay, well, I wore some new socks that I like and dubbed them my “pregnant socks.” I think they’re going to do the trick for me.

We showed up early for my IUI appointment – like, an hour early – because the scheduling lady told me that they could likely take me early if I was there. Of course, they couldn’t, so that was a bit stressful (no one likes sitting in waiting rooms). In my mind, though, it was worth the wait because my favorite nurse was doing the IUIs that morning. Silly me for thinking things would work out so perfectly. I ended up getting the NEW nurse, who is lovely, but oh so NEW. I had never met her in person, but spoken to her on the phone. She also had a more experienced nurse with her to supervise. I was definitely more than a little bit nervous, but happy that at least there was a supervisor there to make sure nothing went wrong.

Here’s my assessment of the newbie:

  • It was the most comfortable speculum insertion ever. I was very impressed.
  • She got the catheter in there and maybe had trouble aiming it? I don’t know. It was NOT comfortable at all, and then she asked for help.
  • I was happy she asked for help
  • Whatever she scraped did make me spot for the rest of the day
  • The supervisor nurse told her she did in fact have it in the right place, but she did the insertion anyway.

I understanding learning. I work at a teaching hospital, and I have graduate students who I supervise and allow to treat patients under my supervision. And I know that would never let them stray off course in a way that would negatively affect the patients. That experience definitely helped me be okay with having someone so green handling my very expensive sperm. Em, on the other hand, was mouthing to me that she wanted to ask her how many of these she had done before (because that would certainly inspire the confidence she needs to impregnate me, amiright?!) That said, it was definitely the least physically comfortable of my IUIs so far. But I still feel confident about this one. Regardless of the outcome, I feel good about the follicles I had, I feel good about the trigger and IUI timing, I felt myself ovulating yesterday morning, and it gave me a real confidence boost that this was well timed. It’s notable because I think it’s the first time I’ve felt good about (read: not spazzed out about) the timing.

Oh! Also our new ginger baby daddy juice was stellar! 75% motility, guys! On frozen sperm, post thaw! That’s fantastic. All of my awkward, icky feelings about having super young sperm are out the window – young guys make resilient little swimmers! And there were 52 million of them! I really hope that these awesome numbers and the great timing are not making me overly confident about this try (hint: they totally are).

Final random tidbit – I haven’t been to acupuncture in over 2 months (since the last cycle went bust). It was relaxing, but I felt like I was in a rut and needed to get out of it. I had been going weekly since May. And I actually feel somewhat less stressed now that I don’t have to worry about one more weekly appointment. So that’s one more difference this cycle. I don’t feel like that’s what is going to make the difference, but it is difference, and I figure it’s worthy of note (lezbehonest, every last one of my thoughts is “worthy of note” on this blog).

So here we go … 1dpo/1dpiui and just 13 more to go! I hope that I get a little shot of patience sometime in the next two weeks, because I am certainly not feeling it now. January 20th, just get here already! Here’s hoping that new drugs, new sperm, lucky pregnant socks, and positive attitude result in a BFP in a couple of weeks.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is test day for IUI #5. I’ve tried to stay away from any symptom BINGO and Googling because I’m on progesterone and know it will throw me for a loop if I let it. No home pregnancy tests this month either. Why spend the money when they want me in for a blood test anyway? And it’s always nice to have an extra day (or few hours) of hope.

Em decided we should have a code word for when I call her to report the results of the blood test tomorrow, so that I don’t have to say “it was negative” or “I’m not pregnant,” and she won’t have to hear it. The code word is origami. I’m hoping there is no mention of paper folding of any kind tomorrow. Everything is crossed. I’m off to sleep now, but send vibes/prayers/baby dust my way if you have it in you, blog world.

IUI #5 happened

I forgot to post about it.

On Monday, I went in for my 5th IUI at 11:00am. I had given myself the Ovidrel trigger shot (I gave myself a SHOT!) on Saturday night at 11pm, so the IUI was exactly 36 hours later. I (of course) did a lot of Google research, and it seems that folks tend to ovulate somewhere between 24 and 42 hours after the shot, so I feel good about our timing. Also, my temperature rose appropriately the day after the IUI (and that was before I started the progesterone), so I’m not obsessing over timing. I think we may have gotten at least that part right this time.

Since Monday was a holiday (for you folks outside the US – Columbus Day slash Indigenous Peoples Day), we had to go to a different clinic and didn’t have our typical people. The midwife who did the IUI was a total whack-a-doodle. She kind of talked to herself about how vaginas are different lengths for a couple of minutes before getting in position to inseminate me. She also came into our room before our “15 minute wait” was up and said “Nguyen? Nguyen?” … She was clearly in the wrong room and it was very strange.

Sperm donor’s numbers were pretty good again – I think his count was 55 million per mL? And the motility was 47%. I’ll take it.

I was instructed to start Crinone (progesterone gel) the next day, so I’ve been on progesterone support since Tuesday. Therefore I can’t rely on my temperatures to tell me anything real about ovulation, but for some unknown reason I am still taking my temperature every morning. I guess it’s good to stay in the habit. I have noticed that my temp has raised a lot higher on progesterone than it has naturally in my past cycles, so that seems like maybe a good thing.

Can we talk about how gross Crinone is for a second though? It is really really gross. I want to say it is even grosser than yeast infection suppositories – and you only have to take those for a day or two! No one even told me when to stop with the Crinone. I’m guessing if I get a positive test I keep going for a while? And if I get a negative test I can just stop then?

3 days into the two week wait! Here goes nothing. I’m still in the “sane” phase, so I’ll have to check back in somewhere around 9 dpo, which is when I usually start going cuckoo banana crackers. Oh, one other fun tidbit: my cousin is getting married 2 days before my “official test date,” so I’m probably going to have to pretend to get wasted at the wedding. In my family, not drinking is a serious giveaway, and people love to gossip. I’d rather not having them gossiping about nothing, so I’ll come up with some creative ways to fake it 🙂

8 dpiui

So close and yet so far??

I’m half-way into this two week wait. Well, slightly more than half-way. I realized last weekend that the nurse midwife who did the IUI never mentioned what day I should go in for my blood test. Usually it would be 2 weeks after the IUI, but I’m not sure what labs are open on Saturdays. Also if she didn’t mention it she probably didn’t put the order in. I’ll have to send them an email to find out what the plan is.

I really really want this one to be “it.” I mean, of course all women who are ttc just want to be pregnant already … But this month feels different. I’m doing less of my usual self-talk to protect myself from disappointment. You know, that thing where you silently remind yourself every hour or so that you’re probably not pregnant and not to get your hopes up? I don’t know if I just keep forgetting to do it or if I emotionally don’t want to say/think it. It feels really nice to just hope that it worked this time.

That said, I don’t feel any different. My boobs hurt but they always do at this point in my cycle. I’ve felt a few twinges and momentary dull cramps in my uterus area over the past few days, but I’ve felt those before and am trying not to put any stock in them. I’m trying to just focus on getting through this week so I can get to part where I know.

On the docket for distractions this week: I’m re-reading Harry Potter (#nerdalert) for the 923rd time and I’m on Order of the Phoenix (#5), have a ton to do at work, and I’m hopefully picking up my new i.Phone 6 on Friday(!!)

Here’s hoping I don’t lose my sanity too much! I’ve only googled once, and I’m doing pretty well reminding myself that most symptoms don’t really happen until later, so it’s anyone’s game still 🙂 6 more days to go!

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