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Monthly Archives: February 2014

Never thought I’d be so happy to be so miserable

CD1 (update: it’s actually CD2 … I started writing this yesterday and didn’t finish)

This post is going to be obsessive and silly and weird. Don’t say i didn’t warn you.

AF arrived today, right on schedule. <- That sentence has literally never ever been true in my life. By “right on schedule” I mean exactly 2 weeks after I am almost certain that I ovulated. Since this is my first natural cycle in a while, I don’t actually have a cycle length calculated but I can start counting now. My thoughts right now:

  • I’ve been anxiously awaiting today since I ovulated 2 weeks ago and it has felt like forever. HOW THE HELL am I going to stay sane when I am waiting 2 weeks to find out if I’m pregnant?! The answer is that I am not. Sorry, dear.
  • I’m actually super shocked I was able to predict AF’s visit. This must be what normal people feel like at like 20 when they figure out their timing.
  • Why do I have to wait until April to go back to the RE? The Metformin is clearly working, let’s get this show on the road.
  • How long is my follicular phase going to be this month? Since I have no real/normal comparison, I will have no idea when to start ovulation testing. I guess I’ll rely on CM and see how things go … About a year ago I was having semi-regular visits from AF – like, they were happening approximately once each calendar month, but I tried to count it out and literally no 2 cycles were the same length. God help me.

I think it’s no secret that I’m healthily baby obsessed. As each day passes I’m more ready to just be pregnant already. It has clearly become obsessive and silly and I am not even sorry. I contacted my RE to try to get the train moving and find out what I still need to do in order to be medically cleared to order sperm (I figure if we have sperm by the time I go to my follow-up appointment in early April, we can start trying maybe that cycle rather than having to wait another month). I just need to have a viral panel done before we have the go ahead. Apparently the results only “count” for a year, so they want me to wait until just before we are actually inseminating to do it so it doesn’t expire in case it takes me that long to get pregnant. So I guess I’ll just keep obsessively online donor-dating. If we find someone we can’t live without, I’ll just get the viral panel and order it already, or try to put it on hold or something.

I just wish there was something we could do to feel like we are moving forward with this! The waiting is killing me.

Also, I apparently haven’t had a period accompanied by normal hormone levels in a while because I’ve noticed 2 things about this month: a) DAMN this hurts, and b) I have been on an emotional roller coaster. I’ve snapped at my wife over I-don’t-even-know-what a whole bunch, and I keep crying. If I didn’t want a baby so badly, I’d be flushing this Metformin down the toilet and happily go back to catching up with Aunt Flo a only a handful of times a year.

On the up side of things, I have an amazing wife. She happily reads every donor profile I send her, (mostly) tolerates my mood swings, doesn’t get freaked out by my baby fever, and maybe best of all – got me beautiful pearl earrings for Valentine’s Day!

But really … why can’t Immaculate Conception just be a thing that happens to me now?!

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In it to win it

Okay, I totally need to work on being in it to win it with this blog thing. It’s just kind of boring when I have nothing to post …

I keep reading about all y’alls’ two week waits … and I’m holding strong at 4 weeks into a 3 month wait before we can even get started! Patience …

So I’ve been on Met.formin for almost 4 weeks (it’ll be 4 weeks tomorrow), with a slowly increasing dose. My RE wanted to really slowly titrate up to the full dosage because of the nasty side effects Met tends to have on the digestive system … I won’t bore you with the gory details. Anyway, I have not had any yet (knock on wood), so that’s a blessing. But it also causes me to obsess about whether it is working. One thing I have noticed is that my CM seems more … prolific? I guess it is notable that it exists at all. I’ve always been pretty dry overall. I am fairly certain that I noticed EWCM at the beginning of last week. So, if the Met is indeed helping me ovulate (fingers crossed) and therefore bleed more regularly, I should be able to tell in the next few days/early next week.

Okay so here are my thoughts on this CM business: a) I never thought I would be looking/touching/noticing these things with such interest. I’m kind of horrified at myself. b) It’s gross and also fascinating. c) Why did no one ever tell me before now (I’m in my late 20’s! Why do I not know things about my body?) that CM is even a thing you can track?

I guess that last one is kind of untrue because I had a colleague/friend a couple of years ago who used to be very Catholic and was telling me about how she practiced Natural Family Planning for a long time. I maybe just didn’t pay much attention at the time (and definitely talked about her like it was such a ridiculous notion behind her back …). And now, here I am. Checking my CM like it’s my job. Ugh.

I also bought a 50 pack of ovulation predictor strips from Amazon. Of course, I only bought them after I was already pretty confident that I ovulated (knock on wood), so now they are just sitting there waiting for me to pee on them. I definitely did one just for practice (OK, I also wanted to see if I was one of those people who always gets a positive result … thankfully I’m not) and now I have them for next month. My RE didn’t bring up tracking CM or using OPKs during this 3-month trial period. I just feel like I need to be doing something productive.

Also my wife got so pissed (pun intended) when I peed in one of our cups. She’s right, it’s totally gross. But I mean, you have to pee into something yes? I’m also quite proud of myself because I haven’t been able to pee in a cup (albeit I’m only ever asked to do so away from my home) in YEARS. I always get the stage fright.

So what’s the consensus? Are buying OPKs and tracking my CM reasonable ways to deal with my baby fever? Or am I coming off like this chick:

Baby-Fever

Is this what online dating is like?

So, my wife and I have been talking about this baby making business for quite a while. We’ve waxed poetic about using a known donor vs. frozen sperm from a stranger, talked baby names for years, and made all sorts of child-rearing plans. Now that our first insemination attempt is actually really going to happen in a few months … let’s just say shit just got real.

I am sure that we are luckier than some to at least at this point agree that we will be purchasing a stranger’s genetic spunk to make this all happen. But now we suddenly have to choose said stranger from what is seemingly an endless line-up of college boys. Seriously – is this what online dating is like? I am SO STRESSED OUT. Thank goodness I met my lovely wife in person and never had to deal with this online selection business.

Sperm-fertilizing-egg-1845795

This isn’t the first time we have perused some online sperm bank catalogues, but it is the first time we’ve done it with an actual end goal of purchasing genetic material. I imagine when straight girls start dating they don’t obsess over the genes of their boyfriends. I mean, I just never had that thought cross my mind (given that there is no way I’m going to somehow merge genetic material with another lady). But these online catalogues … I really wonder if this is what super picky girls do when online dating. “Oh, he’s a nuclear physicist and he is attractive and he does art and he is a social butterfly? Hmmmm, but his grandmother had a heart attack at 65. Next.”

There are like a million options, but now that I have this level of control I don’t like any of them. Is it too much to ask to find the male version of my lovely wife only with a squeaky clean family medical history and Ivy league degree? Yeah … I think too much choice has made me hard to please.

We haven’t decided on a sperm bank yet (we are checking them all out and looking for a good match), which is probably making things more difficult. More choice = less certainty. In general, our criteria going in were that the dude be CMV – and have an acceptable family medical history.

I mean, there are a lot of options that fit the bill, so then we figured … hey, it’d be cool if the donor shared some of my lovely wife’s traits, since she doesn’t plan on having any kiddos herself. Anyway, all that said we totally found one who fit the bill and now are very aware that it is way too early. We can’t buy it yet because we have to pay to store it and don’t have the official go ahead from the RE and lots of other reasons.

… So I guess we are in sperm limbo. (Anyone have some patience pills?)

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