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Monthly Archives: August 2014

BFN

Blood results are in. BFN. 

When I called my wife to let her know, she said that this time felt the most disappointing because she really thought I was pregnant. I know how you feel, girl. 

Still no sign of my period though. I’m hoping it shows today or tomorrow so that I can at least feel confident about my ovulation day. If it turns out that was wrong, I’m going to feel really shitty about the $850 I wasted on sperm. I should at least feel confident about that; I did get a + OPK and those have been pretty consistently (seemingly) accurate for me. But if I take away the + test from Fertility Friend, it adjusts my crosshairs to an O date of 3 or 4 days later (based only on temps). Yeesh. 

The plan for now is to do another natural cycle, since the Clomid and u/s monitoring option is out. I really don’t want to skip a cycle, but that’s an option on the table too (if we want to save our last 2 vials of this donor for more monitored and well-timed tries). I hate the idea of putting things off, but also don’t like the idea of saving only 1 vial for a medicated/monitored/triggered try. Seems like tempting fate. 

Anyway, back to the beginning again. 😦

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Not so confident

Despite my BFN yesterday morning, I had decided to go ahead and still feel optimistic about my chances this month. After all, my temps had gone way up at 12 dpo! That’s never happened! My chart looked so pretty! All of the symptoms!

Well, today my temp came crashing down, and my hope along with it. I went from 98.19 down to 97.52 in 24 hours. Super bummer. I’m still above my cover line (97.2), but I’m expecting another dip and AF to show up uninvited tomorrow morning. Aside from sore breasts (which I’ve had non-stop for the last 13 days), no symptoms in sight. 

I’m trying not to let this get me down. I know that 3 tries is really not a lot in the TTC world, and that I should expect a long road with PCOS. All of that knowledge just goes away for 2 weeks each time I try though. Also why have I only tried 3 times since January? When I finally got my consult with the RE in January, I really thought I’d have at least tried 5 or 6 times by now. (Okay, I know, patience is a virtue … live in the now … etc.)

Here are the facts:

  • We have 2 vials of our donor left. 
  • My RE wants to do Clomid and ultrasound monitoring for my next cycle, which I am totally behind.
  • My wife and I are going on a vacation (which I am totally behind and has been planned for months and months) starting on what will probably be CD9. They want to do u/s monitoring at least on CD3 and CD10. Also we’ll be gone until CD15. So even if they can do the u/s on CD9 to check the progress, my guess is that they would want me back to check in again and then trigger sometime before CD15. It’s probably not going to work out.
  • Because of the above ^^ I am worried we’ll have to skip another cycle.
  • I don’t want to skip another cycle.

I guess I’m still trying to have hope (I mean, I don’t actually have my period yet so I technically am not out of the game), but kind of bumming about my next steps. I had gotten myself through the doubts by thinking, “hey, if this doesn’t work out, we’re pulling out the big guns for the next try! My chances will go up!” Leave it to me to not look at a calendar ever. Sigh. 

I think I will leave you with the things I should be thinking right now:

  • There’s a chance in hell I’m pregnant (hey, better than nothin’ right?)
  • I’m going on vacation next week!
  • Monday is almost over!
  • My wife is the literal actual best and made me the most amazing lobster roll for lunch.

Happy Monday.

11/12 dpo

I’m so so close to the end of this two week wait and it’s driving me nuts.

In general, I pride myself on being an optimist with realist leanings – hope for the best but expect the worst and all that jazz. This cycle, though? Different story. I swear I have been trying to tell myself that I’m probably not pregnant, that the timing wasn’t ideal and the motility was low (did I ever post the numbers? Count was 115 million!! Motility only 37%) … Unfortunately all my brain wants to think is, “but I feel so pregnant.”

And I do. I think. Here’s the problem with that thinking: I’ve never actually been pregnant. So there is no way that I can feel pregnant without knowing what that feels like.

How I actually feel:
– Sore beasts since literally 1 dpo, still going strong. This is a normal PMS symptom for me starting at 7 or 8 dpo. I’m also fully aware that a “symptom” is not logically a real symptom at 1 dpo.
– 1 or 2 days of major sensitivity to smell (did everyone bring smelly good to work on Wednesday, or was that just my nose??)
– Restless sleep 5 out of the last 7 nights. I don’t know what this is all about. Super moon maybe? I NEVER wake up at night – I am so good at sleeping. But this week I’ve been waking in the middle of the night at least once, and doing lots of tossing and turning.
– Obsessing over every twinge and dull cramp in my uterus area. Probably all in my head, lezbehonest.
– Fatigue – I’ve gone to bed by 9 the past 3 nights. Also my mother in law is in town and that’s pretty exhausting, so that’s probably the culprit.
– BBT – my temp has been on the up and up for the past 3 or 4 days. Today it’s the highest it’s been this cycle (usually by day 12 it starts to dip). I’ve also been really good about temping at consistent times (weekends tend to be hard for me). BUT that said, I have been tossing and turning a bit.

Given all the symptom spotting, I broke down and decided to test first thing this morning. FF thinks I’m 12 dpo, I think I’m 11 dpo (and I’m definitely 11 dpiui). The test was totally negative. BFN to the max dot com. Believe me, I squinted at it so hard for a long time. Not even a hint of a line. I’m kicking myself for testing early. I want the hope of the two week wait back (but you can keep the anxiety). I want that “I’m probably pregnant. How will I tell my parents? When am I due?” feeling back.

Honestly, the optimist in me is unsquashable and I am already back on the bandwagon of telling myself that it ain’t over til the fat lady sings. Beta is on Tuesday and I probably won’t test again until then. But I have that nagging dejection feeling hanging out in the back of my mind.

I’m going sailing today with some coworkers/friends so hopefully that will succeed in distracting me all day. And maybe work tomorrow will be enough to quiet my mind. Otherwise I don’t know how I’ll make it to Tuesday.

1 dpiui

So I went for it.

After what must be the most serious bout of anxiety since starting this TTC roller coaster in January, everything is starting to feel okay. My RE decided that an IUI yesterday morning was the way to go, and given my subsequent temps, I agree and feel good about the timing.

HORRIFYINGLY the schedule yesterday was totally fucked (excuse my French). They scheduled me for 11am and said they could be somewhat flexible until 12. So I decided to try to cancel my 10-12 eval and, if I could, try to go in early (so the wife could miss less work – she did the sperm pick up and transport to the clinic so was just waiting around for the IUI from 9:30 on), and if I couldn’t, just beeline it over there after my eval and do it at noon. Luckily, I was able to cancel the session so I called to see if I could move up the IUI. When they hadn’t called me back by 10:15, I called them and they broke the news to me that there had been a mistake and I had to come in at 1. what?! Apparently the nurses were at an off site training and wouldn’t be back, and nothing should have been scheduled all morning in the first place. Cue massive freak out!
A) what does that do to the already thawing sample??
B) my wife is going to get fired!
C) now you’re telling me that I canceled my 10:00 for no reason and suddenly ALSO have to cancel my 1:00?! My job is unique and we have a 6 month waiting list for scheduling evals. It’s a big deal to cancel 2 of them the day of.

So I cried a little, then bit the bullet and canceled my 1pm (who was pissed) and told my wife to go to work. Then, not ten minutes later, they called back saying it was all a misunderstanding and to come in right away.

Jesus. H. Christ. They are trying to kill me I swear. In the end it all worked out, but it was a hot mess leading up to it all! It leaves me feeling not very confident about this cycle. But here I am, 1 dpo/1 dpiui.

I’m just hoping that all of the insanity is good luck (like rain on a wedding or something). My new focus is to distract myself from overthinking every little twinge or pain or twitch. I’m an intelligent and logical person, and I am fully aware that 1 dpo is too early for any symptoms, but my brain won’t quit! My boobs hurt A LOT right now, which is weird because they usually get tender around 6 or 7 dpo. A sign? Probably not, but good to know that my brain so easily jumped right back into TWW mode despite all the anxiety. Here we go! I’m soliciting lots of crossed fingers/toes/everythings and positive thoughts, and am sending the same back to all of you!

Third time’s a charm?

Obsessing

Okay girls, I need your help!

Sorry I’ve been MIA, I literally returned from Portugal, went to a wedding, went to work for 3 days, flew home, and went to another wedding. All in the span of 9 days. I’m not even caught up on reading all y’all’s blogs (and I LOVE reading them so that’s saying something). 

Back to needing help. Today is CD13 for me. I have ovulated on CD21, CD27, CD33, and CD24 my last 4 cycles. My RE has me start OPK testing on CD10. I’ve been traveling and partying so much the past 2.5 weeks that my temps have been totally unreliable, and I started doing OPKs yesterday (CD12). Again, I haven’t gotten a positive OPK until CD20 at the earliest since I’ve been charting. 

I’m sure you can see where this is going, but I got a positive OPK today. Today. As in, CD13. WTF body?! Make up your minddddd. The problem is, I was very haphazard with my test timing since it’s so early for me. I tested first thing yesterday (~6am) and today accidentally woke up to pee at 5am and didn’t test, so figured I would bring a digital test to work. Then I accidentally didn’t test during the morning, and finally remembered to do it around 2:30pm. And it was freaking positive! Ugh universe! The anxiety that I’m now feeling falls into the following categories:

  • OMG I hate that I have no idea when the surge started, not even within a 24 hour frame. It could have started just now or could have started yesterday mid-morning! 
  • OMG How am I going to get the sperm in time. The cryobank has a 24 hour notice policy so if I order now I can’t get it until tomorrow afternoon, but my RE might want me to come do the IUI tomorrow morning. (Update: This is solved, the cryobank let me do a 9am pick up tomorrow even though I just called, so I’ll have it just in case. Phew.)
  • OMG What am I going to do about my caseload tomorrow?! I have patients scheduled from 10-12 and from 1-5. My RE’s office likes to do IUIs at 10-11am, but I might push for an afternoon IUI since technically that’s 24 hours after my detected surge (but when was it really?! UGH). I guess they don’t do afternoon IUIs because the lab techs who prepare the samples are only there in the morning, so I don’t even know if this is a possibility. Also our scheduler is out today, so I can’t even call her to prepare her that I’m going to have to reschedule at least 1 patient. 

So. Much. Anxiety. Yikes. So here are more of my thoughts:

  • Could this be a false positive? I used a ClearBlue digital and I’ve never received a false positive before (although apparently, per Dr. Google, it is somewhat common for women with PCOS). If it is a false positive – cue all the anxiety ever about getting the sperm back, figuring out why it happened, etc.
  • What if I have to skip this month? I know it is not even close to the end of the world if so, but I am already bummed with my previously skipped month and it would really bum me out.
  • How common is it for women with PCOS to suddenly have a perfect CD14 ovulatory cycle after a history of delayed ovulation or anovulatory cycles? 

Cue the calming words and information, please. 

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