I’m so so close to the end of this two week wait and it’s driving me nuts.
In general, I pride myself on being an optimist with realist leanings – hope for the best but expect the worst and all that jazz. This cycle, though? Different story. I swear I have been trying to tell myself that I’m probably not pregnant, that the timing wasn’t ideal and the motility was low (did I ever post the numbers? Count was 115 million!! Motility only 37%) … Unfortunately all my brain wants to think is, “but I feel so pregnant.”
And I do. I think. Here’s the problem with that thinking: I’ve never actually been pregnant. So there is no way that I can feel pregnant without knowing what that feels like.
How I actually feel:
– Sore beasts since literally 1 dpo, still going strong. This is a normal PMS symptom for me starting at 7 or 8 dpo. I’m also fully aware that a “symptom” is not logically a real symptom at 1 dpo.
– 1 or 2 days of major sensitivity to smell (did everyone bring smelly good to work on Wednesday, or was that just my nose??)
– Restless sleep 5 out of the last 7 nights. I don’t know what this is all about. Super moon maybe? I NEVER wake up at night – I am so good at sleeping. But this week I’ve been waking in the middle of the night at least once, and doing lots of tossing and turning.
– Obsessing over every twinge and dull cramp in my uterus area. Probably all in my head, lezbehonest.
– Fatigue – I’ve gone to bed by 9 the past 3 nights. Also my mother in law is in town and that’s pretty exhausting, so that’s probably the culprit.
– BBT – my temp has been on the up and up for the past 3 or 4 days. Today it’s the highest it’s been this cycle (usually by day 12 it starts to dip). I’ve also been really good about temping at consistent times (weekends tend to be hard for me). BUT that said, I have been tossing and turning a bit.
Given all the symptom spotting, I broke down and decided to test first thing this morning. FF thinks I’m 12 dpo, I think I’m 11 dpo (and I’m definitely 11 dpiui). The test was totally negative. BFN to the max dot com. Believe me, I squinted at it so hard for a long time. Not even a hint of a line. I’m kicking myself for testing early. I want the hope of the two week wait back (but you can keep the anxiety). I want that “I’m probably pregnant. How will I tell my parents? When am I due?” feeling back.
Honestly, the optimist in me is unsquashable and I am already back on the bandwagon of telling myself that it ain’t over til the fat lady sings. Beta is on Tuesday and I probably won’t test again until then. But I have that nagging dejection feeling hanging out in the back of my mind.
I’m going sailing today with some coworkers/friends so hopefully that will succeed in distracting me all day. And maybe work tomorrow will be enough to quiet my mind. Otherwise I don’t know how I’ll make it to Tuesday.