Kellan’s Birth Story

I kind of can’t believe I haven’t written down Kellan’s birth story until now. Given that it’s been 5 months, I’m 100% certain that I no longer recall all of the details, but I finally feel like I have a minute to sit down and write it so here we go …

I think I’ll start my story on February 2, 2019. It was a Saturday, and my siblings threw me a “sprinkle” to celebrate the imminent arrival of baby #2. We had chosen not to find out what sort of genitals the baby had. They had a “Baby Bookie” going at the party – of all respondents, exactly 1 person guessed that it would be a girl – my sister’s roommate who I have met all of 2 times (including that day). Anyway, she won. The party was lovely. This is the last picture I have of Kellan on the inside/our last photo as a family of 3.

That night, I started having contractions, but they were fairly irregular. They were painful enough that they kept me up, and I timed them at every 5 minutes, lasting about a minute for a half hour or so, but then they slowed down and I was able to get some sleep. These on/off contractions kept up for a few days. I assumed they were Braxton Hicks, but I would definitely not call them painless. They were mildly-moderately uncomfortable. That Wednesday, 2/6, I had an ultrasound scheduled, and that Friday, 2/8, I had a non-stress test scheduled. Kellan was due on 2/17.

On Tuesday 2/5, I went to work as normal, had a normal day (with contractions on and off, but very irregular and never picking up steam), and then picked up Riley from daycare as normal. In retrospect, multiple colleagues told me that I looked uncomfortable and encouraged me to consider not coming in the following day (I had a ton to do though so I laughed them off). I am a Buy Nothing junkie (do y’all have Buy Nothing groups where you live? Sort of a free-cycle type situation that is neighborhood-based), and I had arranged to pick up some Freemie cups from someone’s porch that evening after daycare pick up (was looking forward to trying them out with my new Spectra once the baby was here. For whatever it’s worth, I have not yet taken them out of the box). I parked outside the house, left the car on with Riley in it, and started to jog up to the porch to grab the bag that had been left out for me. Now, this was evening time (say 5:30ish) in February in Boston, so it was pitch black out. My toe snagged on an uneven part of sidewalk and I had no hope of catching myself (what with the 10 pounds of baby hanging off my front). I went down pretty hard and fast. I caught myself with my hands and knees and then just kept going. I ended up flat on my stomach with my knees, palms, and face all scraped up. Of course, I immediately went into panic mode about the baby. I hadn’t landed directly on my belly with the full force of the fall, but I certainly ended up sprawled out prone on the sidewalk with my weight on my belly. I honestly didn’t have much time to panic though because Riley was in the car and Em wasn’t home from work yet. I know you’re wondering – I did grab the bag off the porch before going back to the car.

A very flattering photo of my banged up face post-fall. My nose was super swollen! I did end up with a bit of a black eye the next day.

At this point, I was 38 weeks 2 days pregnant, so was certainly at term (albeit early term) should baby decide to show up post-fall. I immediately called Emily and apparently very calmly told her that I fell and that I was going to call the doctor but just wanted to let her know. Quick aside – 2/5 was the day of the Patriots Super Bowl parade in Boston, so Em’s commuter train was super delayed and everything travel-wise from downtown (where she works) was unpredictable. She’s usually home at 6:00 on the dot. This night, she didn’t get home until 6:30ish. Anyway, I called my OB and they told me that they wanted me to go to Labor and Delivery to be monitored for at least 4 hours, and that it was protocol to do so after any fall at that stage of pregnancy. At this point I now think that I was having a full blown panic attack, but I had to keep it together because Riley was sitting there waiting for me to get her evening routine going. Em and I called our good friend Brittany to come stay with Riley until we could get home from the monitoring. I was feeling very short of breath and I kept trying to sit still and wait to feel the baby move, needing that reassurance, but the baby wasn’t doing any somersaults and I was too keyed up to be able to feel the small movements. Of course, that just made me more anxious. I decided that I didn’t want to wait the additional 20 minutes for our friend to arrive, so I drove myself to the hospital alone as soon as Em got home, and we planned for her to drive herself there as soon as Britt came and she got Riley and Britt settled with a plan.

Driving myself to the hospital in the state I was in was probably not my brightest idea, but my sole focus at that point was getting there as quickly as possible to make sure the baby was okay. The hospital is about a 17 minute drive from our home. As soon as I got in the car I started shaking and shivering uncontrollably. It was an unseasonably warm day – I had had the air conditioning on in my car just an hour earlier on my way home from work. I think it was about 60 degrees out (in February in Boston!). Despite this, I was FREEZING all of a sudden, and had to crank up the heat and turn my seat warmer on high. Even with all of that, I was shivering uncontrollably. I’m pretty sure I was experiencing some mild shock symptoms. I called my mom to tell her what was going on and how I was feeling and she so kindly and calmly suggested that perhaps I should pull over and call an ambulance instead. I think my response was, “no it’s fine, I’m only 14 minutes away.” Anyway, I did eventually make it to the hospital. The nurse on the phone had told me to park by the ER and go in that way, and that there would be valet parking available. None of that was true/a good idea. It turned out that the valet parking had stopped at 6pm (it was about 7pm by this point), so I had to park in the ER garage and walk in. When I got in there, despite being clearly all the way pregnant, bleeding from my face, and shaking, no one seemed keen to help me find labor and delivery. I eventually got someone to give me directions … to walk to a whole other building! It was not close to the ER at all.

So I finally got to L&D and got all checked in … only to sit waiting alone in a waiting room outside triage for 20 minutes. By the time they finally came to take me back and monitor me, Emily had arrived from home. I could have just waited and had her drive me. Oh well. My anxiety finally started to subside when they got the baby hooked up to the monitors and we could see that (s)he was doing okay. My blood pressure was high though, and the baby’s heart rate was high (probably in response to my anxiety and high blood pressure). We had a really lovely nurse in triage who was so calming and reassuring. Anyway, the monitors showed that the baby’s heart rate, while high, was trending downward. My contractions, on the other hand, were not. See, as soon as I fell those on/off, irregular contractions that I had been having were on again, and hadn’t slowed down since. The monitors showed me having contractions every 1-2 minutes. The on-call OB came by (thankfully I knew her, though it was not my doctor) and reassured me that the contractions were likely my uterus responding to the trauma. The plan was to get some IV fluids in me, let me calm down, and see how things trended (all the while monitoring the baby of course). She explained that, after a fall like I had, they really just want to watch over time to make sure that baby stays stable and doesn’t show any signs that the placenta may have started to detach, which is apparently a concern with any trauma while pregnant. Everyone expected that the contractions would slow down after some fluids and rest. In addition, they ordered an ultrasound while I was there to double check the placenta and the baby and also to get a size estimate (just because I had been scheduled for the following morning for a sizing ultrasound). She said that they would monitor for 4 hours but may consider keeping me overnight. One kind of funny aside is that when I packed a quick duffel for the hospital (this dummy hadn’t packed her real hospital bag yet), I only packed Girl Scout cookies, my toiletries, and work clothes for the following day. I wore comfy clothes so at least I had that going for me.

Anyway, long story short, those contractions never did slow down. They were staying steady at every 1-2 minutes at about the 2 hour mark, when they were finally able to take me down to ultrasound. The ultrasound guy was a total weirdo (I guess that should be expected for someone who works the night shift as an ultrasound tech? But he kept telling kind of weird jokes, including joking about telling us the baby’s sex which was odd and a little annoying), but seemed thorough. He didn’t see any issues with the placenta or any obvious issues with the baby. He did estimate size at 9lbs 8oz (he turned out to be amazingly accurate), and noted that I had mild polyhydraminos, which is probably why it was so hard to find/get the baby’s heart rate on the monitor. They didn’t really give me an explanation for the excess fluid, though I had passed my glucose test by only 1 point and there was some speculation that I may have developed gestational diabetes later in the pregnancy (which would account for the polyhydraminos as well as the baby’s larger size).

One thing to note about the ultrasound and the plan as it progressed from here – I had been scheduled for an ultrasound the very next morning to look at baby’s size. My first was a c-section due to size (she was 10lbs 4oz, I am glad I had a c-section, we are both healthy because of it). This baby was measuring big starting around 32 weeks. I had a sizing ultrasound then (I can’t recall if it was at 32 or 34 weeks? Probably 34), and baby was already measuring pretty big at that point but they didn’t want to make the c-section recommendation yet. So basically the team’s thought was that I would likely do a c-section for size, but the ultrasound the following morning was going to confirm that/be the impetus for scheduling a date, etc.

When we got back upstairs to L&D after the ultrasound, it was time for a shift change and we had to say goodbye to the super kind nurse that we had been working with (I wish I could remember her name!). In addition, the doctor had decided at that point that they wanted to monitor me overnight, so they moved me from the triage room recliner into a room with a bed (still in triage, so I don’t think I was officially admitted to L&D at this point?). Our new nurse was well intentioned but mostly just strange and a little abrupt in her demeanor. The OB came in and I had my first experience being “checked.” Riley was a scheduled c-section, so I had never had the pleasure. Jesus that shit is painful! I remember her saying “you’re going to want to crawl up the bed. Just hang in there and it’ll be over soon.” So accurate. Anyway, I was apparently dilated about 2cm at that point, still with contractions every 1-2 minutes. At this point I would definitely classify them as painful. Anyway, after the OB left the nurse tried to hook me back up to the monitors for fetal heart rate and contractions. I am not even exaggerating when I say that she spent the next 45 minutes attempting to find the baby’s heart beat with the damn monitor. She could not get it at all! Luckily at this point I was feeling the baby move consistently, so I wasn’t worried at all, just annoyed. While she was doing this, Em and I were having a conversation about whether Em should go home or not. At this point it was about 11pm. The OB had said she wanted to come back and check me again in about 2 hours. (She explained to us that she was attempting to ascertain whether I was actually in labor. That labor = contractions + cervical change, so she needed to see if my cervix was changing over time or whether I was just having contractions because of the trauma). Em wanted to go home to sleep (fair enough – no one can sleep in those stupid hospital chairs). In the end, we decided that she would wait with me until after the 1am cervix check, and that if there was no change she would go home. All of this became moot though, because around 12:10am my water broke. While the nurse was still moving the monitor around trying to get me hooked up. We heard a big “boom” on the monitor and she goes “did you hear that? The baby just kicked!” and I said “uhhhh I think my water just broke. Or maybe I peed?” and then within about 10 seconds it was very clear that it was definitely not pee.

Once my water broke, everything moved really quickly. The OB came back, surgical nurses rushed in, and we started prepping for a c-section right away. Given that I was likely headed for a scheduled section due to size AND the fact that I was there due to a trauma and we were watching for placenta issues, a c-section was the plan and everyone (me included) was on board. Anyway, the contractions had been getting more and more painful, and after my water broke they were DEFINITELY painful and happening like every 2 minutes, so I was ready for that spinal to happen. Once all of the consents were signed and the OBs and anesthesiologist had been in, it was time to go. I remember walking down the hall and apologizing for my water leaking with every step! The spinal was kind of no big deal, especially since I knew what to expect from my first c-section. I am not sure if the anesthesia cocktail was different or if I maybe just reacted to it slightly differently this time, but my face was EXTREMELY itchy right away (so during the procedure), whereas with Riley I was a little itchy then but then got progressively itchier over the course of a few hours and it didn’t go away for probably a day and a half. I had also vomited after my c-section with Riley, so they gave me a little scopolamine patch behind my ear to try to combat the nausea. I kept rubbing and scratching my face, including, apparently, the patch behind my ear. This becomes notable later.

The surgery itself was very similar to my c-section with Riley. I did notice that I could feel a bit more this time around (I was really worried that the anesthesia was wearing off and that I would be in a lot of pain very quickly, but that didn’t happen). Even though my water had broken in a gush (and then kept trickling with mini gushes), they said that there was enough fluid in there to gush out at them as they were cutting. Kellan came out and cried right away, and Em and I were both shocked to find out that she had a vulva rather than a penis (not that it matters at all).

Kellan came into the world at 9lbs 8oz and 20.5 inches at 38 weeks 3 days. Kellan ended up having some “transitional breathing” issues that had her O2 sats a LITTLE low. Unfortunately, that meant she was off to the special care nursery for monitoring for a little while. Her first blood sugar reading was low as well. I think she was there for 12-16 hours? I wasn’t able to go up to see her until a few hours after she was born. We got to meet each other for a bit but they took her up before I was in the recovery room. They didn’t have to do any intervention up there – just monitoring, and her breathing and sugars improved quickly.

While I was waiting to be reunited with my baby, the doctors noticed that one of my pupils was much larger than the other (actually, I noticed and asked about it). They were initially worried about a brain/neuro issue of some type and called for a neuro consult, though it was quickly determined that I did it to myself by basically rubbing scopolamine into my eye (which is known to cause pupil dilation). If the damn morphine didn’t make me so itchy I wouldn’t have done it! (Part of the neuro concern was the fact that I had fallen. Nope – just clumsy!)

In terms of recovery, I had a little more pain at the incision site this time. They used staples this time and I did not love it. With Riley I had been stitched up and it didn’t bother me at all.

My mom flew in as soon as I texted that my water had broken. She canceled other travel plans which was really nice and I felt a little guilty about. On Kellan’s second day of life, my mom brought Riley to the hospital to meet her sister. My heart felt so full and right having them together for the first time.

Kellan’s birth was basically a series of unexpected and surprising events, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. It suits her.

*note: I wrote most of this in 2019 and just found it in my drafts 2 years later. I wanted to publish it for posterity!*

Cautious optimism

I’m definitely an awful blogger. Here’s a bulleted list of all of the things I should have blogged about between my previous post and now:

• I went in every few days to test my estrogen levels leading up to transfer. At some point, they increased me from 4mg of estrogen per day (2 pills in the morning by mouth, 2 in the evening vaginally) up to 8mg per day (3 in the morning by mouth, 3 in the evening by mouth, 2 in the evening vaginally). That seemed to do the trick as my numbers didn’t raise any red flags.
• I started on 1cc of progesterone in oil on the very first day (Friday May 25), then up to 2cc every night since then. I was visiting my family in Ohio that weekend without my wife, so my mom had to give me the shots, which was a little weird. Definitely not a bonding moment we’ve shared before. She was a champ about it though.
• My progesterone level was tested on my transfer day (May 31), and was apparently fine. So that’s good.
• Overall meds have been stable since the 25th: estrogen in the morning, Metformin, estrogen (vaginal), estrogen (oral), low dose Aspirin, and progesterone in oil (2cc) in the evening.
• They transferred a 4BB embryo (frozen) on May 31st. I think the transfer overall went well. I wish the embryo was graded a little higher but I know that 4BB is totally acceptable. I’m an all-A’s kind of gal, so a B in any form has me worried lol.
• Over the past 4-5 days or so, I’ve had increasing issues with the progesterone shots. I feel like the progesterone in ethyl oleate has been much more difficult for me overall – my injection sites have been much sorer the next day than I recall from when I did progesterone in sesame oil back in 2015. But also in the last few days, my left ass cheek has gotten a raised, swollen area that is like the size of my whole hand. I went to see one of the nurses in my RE’s office today – they’re having me stop the shots on the left side, and do tie right every other day. I’m doing 2x/day crinone on the off days (ugh). Also they sent me to Urgent Care to see if it’s cellulitis. The Urgent Care doctor basically said she can’t be sure if it is cellulitis vs. a local inflammatory response, so she put me on antibiotics. Cue the worry.

And … drumroll … the big news is that I took a home pregnancy test this morning and it was positive. I took it because I wanted to know if the hullabaloo about the progesterone injection site was worth it. I’m 7dp5dt, so essentially 12 dpo. I knew that it would probably be positive if it was going to be positive. My blood test isn’t until Monday, but I’m glad I took that test this morning. It means that the Urgent Care doc knew to prescribe me a safe for pregnancy antibiotic (it is Class B, but I think that’s the best I can hope for as far as antibiotics go). I’m on a shortened course of cephalexin. Has anyone taken it in early pregnancy? Can you help calm my nerves about it? I know that antibiotics are better than a full blown infection, but I’d much rather have neither if we’re being honest.

I kind of can’t believe I’m pregnant and kind of also have been expecting it all along. Now that I had the experience of a miscarriage, this part feels very different. I’ve always been anxious (and was certainly anxious for the whole first pregnancy), but that anxiety feels more real now, and more like fear. So here we are – back at the start. Fingers crossed that this one stays sticky. Also I’d appreciate good thoughts about my maybe cellulitis. Happy Pride y’all.

TWW fun stuff: 2 and 3dp5dt

Well, I broke my streak. Ah well, life goes on.

That doesn’t mean there was nothing fun about yesterday though! Yesterday was 2dp5dt, and we had good friends over for dinner, which was really nice. It’s also why I didn’t blog. Em made a delicious veal and mushroom sauce over pasta and our friends brought homemade swiss rolls. Delish.

Other news from yesterday – my best friend is pregnant. There are definitely mixed emotions there. She started trying about 6 or 7 months after us, but her insurance is better than ours in that they started paying for treatment after 6 failed IUIs. She has gone through a lot – 6 natural IUIs, 2 medicated IUIs, and now IVF. Our retrievals were within a week of each other back in December. They didn’t do a fresh transfer because they were doing genetic screening. Her frozen transfer was just over a week before ours this month. And it worked! I’m so happy for them. The twinge of jealousy is there, but I keep trying to remember that I’m “pregnant until proven otherwise” at the moment as well. I definitely feel like this might make it harder than it already would have been if this FET doesn’t work for us. But I’m staying optimistic. I hope that we get to make that same phone call to them next weekend. 🙂

My fun stuff for today: pineapple. I’m sure you’ve all read about pineapple (specifically pineapple core) and how it can help with implantation. The above mentioned friend ate pineapple I think every day after her transfer for a week or so. I was not planning on it, but maybe felt a little peer pressure via pregnancy-announcement-phone-call last night, so I had Em buy me a pineapple this morning. Pineapple core is gross/feels like chewing wood, so I decided to make a smoothie.

I had Em cut up the pineapple for me, including the core, because I suck at such things. She did a lovely job. I got bananas, frozen strawberries, frozen mango, plain yogurt, and (not pictured) milk.

I threw the following into the blender:

• 1/2-2/3 cup frozen mango
• 3/4-1 cup chopped pineapple (including the core)
• 1 banana
• 2 spoonfuls plain yogurt

Voila! It was pretty delicious. It could probably have used a splash of milk to thin it out but I forgot to put it in so I drank it as is. Our blender did a pretty good job with the pineapple core. There were maybe 1 or 2 little pieces of core that I felt but it was generally smooth. And delish.

Have y’all tried pineapple core? As I was drinking my smoothie I did some internet research as to why people say to eat pineapple core. The source that I found reported that it is because pineapples (especially the core, but also the whole fruit) are a good source of an enzyme called bromelain, which acts like a natural aspirin (anti-inflammatory, blood thinner). So it may help with implantation by helping with inflammation and encouraging increased blood flow to the uterus. BUT that’s also why I’m taking baby aspirin so now I’m worried that I shouldn’t be doubling up. Always something to worry about, right? Jury is out on whether I will put the core into my smoothie tomorrow, but now that I have all of the stuff I’ll definitely be having smoothies with breakfast for the next week or so. 🙂

Plus they’re delicious.

I have been making a conscious effort to improve my healthy eating habits now that I am hopefully hosting a little growing human life. Honestly, Em and I eat fairly healthy in general. Em does all of the cooking (I know, I’m spoiled) – because she loves it and is good at it and we’ve been together since I was 20 so I never really learned. Anyway, we don’t eat out more than once, maybe twice, per week. The meals she cooks are usually made up of whole foods – nothing too processed, fresh proteins and produce, etc. Because of this, my lunches and dinners are well balanced, relatively healthy, and super delicious (I take dinner leftovers for lunch the next day).

My breakfast habits, on the other hand, leave something to be desired. I used to skip it altogether almost every day. Mainly because I am not a morning person and am late to work every day even without stopping to make/eat breakfast in my morning routine. For the past few months I’ve been taking a prenatal that upsets my stomach if I don’t eat right after taking it though, so I have been eating breakfast. The problem is that breakfast ends up being a very unhealthy meal for me. I’ve mostly been eating cereal (and not the whole grain kind) or like coffee cake or something equally terrible for me. This week I’ve been making myself eggs and fruit in the morning. Miraculously (lol, obviously not a miracle, just regular science), I feel fuller longer and have more energy in the mornings. Plus I feel better and I’m not snacking as much during the day (the other eating habit that I am trying to squash).

My new breakfast plan has been: 2 eggs, scrambled, with salt and pepper AND with 1/2 of a chicken apple sausage and a sprinkle of shredded cheese, and a little bit of fruit on the side (a few raspberries or an apple). I’ve also been packing extra fruit as snacks so I’m not tempted to go to the vending machine and buy cheez-its (my guilty pleasure snack) or chips or something. So far so good! I’m going through fruit a little faster than I’d like, but I’m hoping that the good things I’m putting in my body will translate to my body thanking me by holding on to that little embryo in there.

Happy weekend!

FET is a-go-go

It’s on like Donkey Kong.

My period took her damn time showing up so we are pushing right up against my insurance approval deadline, but it looks like everything is going to work out. FET is currently scheduled for February 24th if all things go to plan.

My protocol:

• Estradiol 1mg 2x/day days 1-5
• Estradiol 2mg 2x/day starting today (day 6)
• I forget if/how much the Estradiol goes up after that …
• Baby aspirin/low-dose aspirin (81mg) 1x/day
• Progesterone in Oil (oh joy) starting around day 15 I believe

I’m currently waiting for Caremark/UPS to get their shit together and get me my PIO shots so that I have them at home. I’m glad I get anal and order meds early because they were scheduled to show up on Friday, but UPS apparently didn’t deliver because of the snow. (We had a snow storm in Boston on Friday, and then another one yesterday). It’s a weekday delivery so it sat in a warehouse over the weekend and was then supposed to be delivered yesterday, but we had a “snow storm” (this time everyone was being a pussy – it was just snow, not a storm, and the roads were fine) but the PIO didn’t arrive so I’m guessing UPS called in another “emergency.” I’m kind of worried that the meds will be bad because they’re sitting in weird temperatures so I’ll have to figure out what to do about that if I ever get the damn shots.

You warm-climate folks can shut it but for anyone up north – have you had any issues with meds freezing while they are waiting for you to bring them inside? The lady on the phone at Caremark fertility pharmacy told me that PIO is a room temperature med and that it shouldn’t be frozen. Giving them a major benefit of the doubt that it didn’t sit in below-freezing temperatures in a warehouse all weekend, if it gets delivered today it’s going to sit in some snow on my porch in 20 degree weather … is that going to be an issue? Ugh.

Has anyone else had a similar FET protocol? Baby aspirin opinions?

In other news, I’ve read 4 lesbian fiction novels in the last week. And I did some Kindle math and have read like 130 in the last year. Please send help. Or send money so I can just read about lesbians falling in love/fighting crime/being part of conspiracies/doing it/whatever else all day long and not have to go to work.

Happy February, y’all.

MOAR BLOGGING

I am a terrible blogger. So there’s that.

Where was I? Oh, so I am definitely not pregnant (which I pretty much already knew, but, ya know … confirmed). It was pretty disappointing to have our first IVF attempt fail, and no one likes waiting, but I feel like I’m in a good place and ready to take on 2016. Let’s do this.

When we finally got confirmation that my blood test was negative, they said that the plan was to wait out this January cycle, and gear up for a frozen transfer with my February cycle. While I am not thrilled with all the waiting, this is what I expected. I made an appointment to see my RE on 1/16 to go over the frozen transfer protocol. My RE’s office apparently knew that we ended up with 1 frozen embryo, though I never actually got the e-mail I was supposed to get updating me to that end. Whatevs.

So we showed up on Thursday at the appointment and my RE went over everything, basically reassuring us that all of my numbers throughout the cycle were perfectly average and we shouldn’t get too down about the BFN, because obviously the 40-50% success rate means that inevitably at least 50% of people don’t get pregnant the first time. I am not sure why she thought math was going to make me feel any better given that I’ve already had 12 failed IUIs but that’s another story. Either way, I was glad to hear that they felt like the number of eggs and embryos and hormone levels and everything were normal. She said that my protocol was conservative because the goal was not to overstimulate and to do a fresh cycle, so I guess that makes me feel a little better about having fewer embryos in the end.

If you recall, we transferred 1 great looking day 3 embryo for the fresh cycle, and I still had 3 that they were watching to see if they could freeze. Of those 3 – 1 looked good (8 cells, can’t remember the grades), and 2 were potentials (both 4 cells). Apparently the 8 cell actually ended up being fragmented, but one of those 4 cell guys caught up and ended up being of great quality to freeze. The grade of the 1 little frosty we got is a 4AA which I am told is good. 4 refers to the stage of blastocyst it is (stage 4 is pretty advanced, right before hatching), and the As are like letter grades so who cares what they refer to – it’s good.

I guess it feels bittersweet to only have 1 on ice, but to have the 1 be seemingly really good looking. My RE said that my chances for the frozen cycle are actually a little bit better because of the embryo quality and the fact that it’s a blastocyst (as opposed to the 8 cell embryo I transferred last time). And it has a 95% chance of surviving the thaw.

So everything seems good, right? Wrong. Because then we met with our nurse who shared with us that Blue Cross Blue Shield has new fertility policies starting 1/1/16 which affect us. The first (and more relevant) issue is that they now require that my uterus be looked at (either via HSG or SHG) every year. My HSG was 1/29/15, so even though it isn’t expired yet it is about to be and they thought that BCBS wouldn’t even look at the prior authorization until I get a new one. Which, you guessed it, means we would have to skip ANOTHER cycle because the SHG can only be done days 6-14 and I was already at day 22 or something. They didn’t care that I haven’t ovulated yet either. Cue me trying not to cry in the doctor’s office because I don’t want to deal with ANOTHER delay and ANOTHER disappointment. My eyes were welling up and all I could say was “that really sucks Tracy.” Why does it suck? Because they should have noticed it. And had they noticed it like 8 days sooner I could have done the damn test this cycle. UGH

BCBS new policy number 2 that kind of set off our emotions: Apparently BCBS of MA is now paying for IUIs for same sex couples. Like, right away. And our nurse chose right after dumping the above on us to tell us this. I seriously love this nurse but really?! I wish I didn’t know that. Apparently they are JUST paying for the IUI part, which is only like $150/cycle but that is quite a lot of money when you’ve just paid for 12 of them …
So I’m almost at the point where I’m happy that BCBS is being more fair to lesbians, but I’m still kind of at the “seriously?!” phase and probably will be for at least a little while.

I basically guilted the clinic into submitting the prior auth for my frozen transfer anyway, just to see if it goes through, and it actually looks like it might be paying off. We didn’t get an immediate denial for the February cycle and the nurses think that since it is in process that it’ll end up going through. I’ll know more in the next couple of days hopefully. Cross your fingers that the universe throws me a bone here.

So that’s where we are. I’m waiting to get insurance approval and then waiting to get my period so we can get this party started again. Sorry for the novel of a post. It’s my own damn fault that I never remember to update. New Years resolution 2k16: try to actually post things on my blog.

Happy New Year! Cross your fingers for the prior auth to go through so I can get preggo in February (because we all know it would be a travesty to wait until March). Oh, and any of you with BCBS (especially BCBS MA) who are doing IUIs – look into this new coverage update!

Sh*t’s getting real

So I started to write this yesterday and then forgot to post it for some reason. Oops! I’ll update it since I now have more info!

I had an ultrasound yesterday morning and it sounded like things were moving along as expected. As of yesterday, I had:

• 7 follicles on the left ranging from 10-21mm
• 12 follicles on the right ranging with the largest at 17mm

When my nurse called in the afternoon she said it looked like 9 were mature already and there might be more mature by the next morning (today), and indicated that I should expect to most likely trigger Wednesday evening for a retrieval on Friday.

She also said my LH was “a little high” so they had me take an extra dose of Ganirelix last night. I also took it this morning of course. Cue continued paranoid thoughts about ovulating early.

Fast forward to this morning … another ultrasound and bloodwork. As of this morning, I had:

• 7 follicles on the left ranging from 14-24mm
• 12 follicles on the right ranging from 14-22mm

The ultrasound tech thought that there were at least 7 that were already mature, and about 5 that would likely be mature soon (16 and 17mm).

Nurse Tracy called about 20 minutes ago to confirm that my retrieval will in fact be on Friday (!!) and that the transfer will be either on Monday or Wednesday (hopefully Wednesday for 5 day transfer). This is causing some work stress because I have to reschedule 3 days worth of patients (of course all of this is falling on my heaviest patient load days M/W/F … if it was on T/Th/S/Su I would be fine!) but I’m sure it will work out. It’s just hard because it means I have to overbook myself other weeks to fit them in since rescheduling in my next available would be in like May or something ridiculous. Ugh.

Still feeling very full and a bit of pressure, which makes total sense. I’ll get another call from a nurse later this afternoon telling me what time the trigger and retrieval will be, and I definitely plan to grill them about my LH levels and follicles and such.

OK these IVF posts have been super update-y and kind of boring. Oh well! I’m sure I’ll have more info later and maybe will update again. Has anyone else’s experience been similar in terms of number and size of follicles? Also anyone had to double the Ganirelix because of high LH? Should I be as paranoid as I am about ovulating early?

“Nice Activity”

Yesterday’s ultrasound tech complimented my ovaries on their “nice activity,” so I would hope that’s a good sign for how I’m responding to the stims.

Here’s the down and dirty update:

• 6 follicles on my left ovary
• 5 follicles on my right ovary
• Largest follicle is 19.8mm (AH! too big?) on the left (I totally knew that because I was feeling all sorts of things on the left)
• The rest of the follicles are all 11-14mm
• The u/s tech said that there are a bunch more that are almost 10mm so don’t count as measurable, but that could catch up and add to the fray

Apparently my bloodwork numbers were fine too because they once again told me to keep on keeping on with my medications (no changes). So I’m still taking Ganirelix in the morning (antagonist to keep me from ovulating), and Gonal-F 300iu as well as Menopur 150iu at night. Next ultrasound is tomorrow morning at 8am.

I anticipated feeling crazier given all of the hormones … but so far so good? (knock on wood …) I can definitely say that at this point I can feel whatever is happening in my ovaries. I’m wearing my loose pants and I would describe what I feel as pressure more than pain or cramp-y. It’s certainly strange. I did have some sharper pains on the left this morning as I was waking up which I sincerely hope wasn’t ovulation (Can that happen even with the Ganirelix? Can you tell I’m paranoid about it?). More likely it was that big follicle twisting as I was stretching or something.

So questions … have y’all had kind of uneven follicle growth? Is it normal to have that 19.8 follicle while the rest are 11-14? I obviously don’t want to end up with just 1 egg at retrieval.

Also for anyone who has taken Ganirelix – have you experienced major air bubbles in the syringe? I feel like it’s half air in there and when I try to flick it and push out the air, drops of the actual medicine come out and I get worried about losing the good stuff. So the past 2 days I’ve ended up pushing out some but not all of the air and then injecting it anyway. Ugh I love how many things there are to worry about …

Shots shots shotsshotsshots

Do you ever stop in the middle of doing something and just kind of marvel at how you even got there? I had that feeling tonight just setting up my shots so methodically in the kitchen. Not really sure why my brain went there, but it just suddenly felt like just yesterday I was all idealistic about getting pregnant within 3-6 IUIs and not even thinking about IVF … or reading about fellow TTC bloggers starting IVF and thinking that it would just never be me … or crying in fear at the thought of needing to “resort” to IVF … I don’t know. It’s weird that now I’m all gung-ho/nonchalant about it.  I think maybe the thing that was strange was feeling like that was all “just yesterday” when the rest of this whole TTC experience has felt like a lifetime.

ANYWAY I am now 6 days into stims, hopefully moving along on target for retrieval in a week and change (?) but actually just hopefully moving along at all.

I had an ultrasound and bloodwork on Friday morning to check in on how things were progressing, which apparently they are. Actually here’s a question – for those of you who’ve done IVF – when you get “the call” after monitoring ultrasounds/bloodwork, do you get actual numbers/facts from your nurse/IVF people? Or do they just give you the plan? After all of my IUI monitoring ultrasounds I was given a little verbal rundown of the situation (# of follicles, sizes, etc). But for both my initial and first monitoring ultrasounds this IVF cycle, I have just kind of gotten “things are moving along – do this now,” which is totally fine and dandy but I’m wondering if Im missing out on info that I can obsess over? I guess I was expecting to get numbers on the bloodwork as well as follicles and sizes. Actually, I don’t even know what they are looking for in the labs – they don’t even show up in my patient app thing where I can usually look that shit up. I assume they are looking at my estradiol levels but that’s just a guess from reading other TTC blogs.

The results of my Friday numbers were apparently good(?!?!) because the nurse’s message said “things are moving along nicely so we’re going to go ahead and add the other meds in tonight.” The only info I kind of got was from the ultrasound tech (who is totally my buddy – she was pumped I was finally moving to IVF and if I remember correctly has 2 kids conceived via IVF as well), who said that I had “some follicles – all around 10mm” on Friday. I can only assume that that is normal/expected.

To recap – I was taking just Gonal-F 300iu nightly Monday-Thursday night. As of Friday I added in Menopur 150iu as well (in addition to the Gonal-F), and I’ll start the Ganirelix (the purpose of which I believe is to keep me from ovulating?) tomorrow morning. I have another monitoring ultrasound and bloodwork first thing tomorrow so I guess we’ll see how things are going then! Or maybe not and I’ll just get more instructions!

My thoughts so far (okay let’s be real, these are super ramble-y):

• Geez, Menopur is much more complicated than Gonal-F
• Hahaha, remember when I thought Gonal-F was complicated because I had to put the needle on and dial the dose? Remember how that was 5 days ago?
• Fun fact: Menopur burns going in
• They gave me a bunch of the long needles (intramuscular) in addition to the short ones that I’m supposed to use … what are those for?
• I’m probably going to forget to take one of these shots one of these days, and that’s probably going to ruin everything.
• Why am I so calm/cool/collected about injecting myself with hormones?
• Is the Menopur powder supposed to be hardened like a tablet? Because it kind of looks like it isn’t supposed to be that way but I’m using it anyway. Maybe that’s why it burns?
• My goodness I hope this works.
• Is bloodwork supposed to be 2 words? Why am I getting the red underline thing for that?
• What am I supposed to do with the little glass vials from the Menopur when I’m done? They don’t go in the sharps container but it seems weird to just put them in the regular trash?
• Does my excess belly fat get in the way of the meds actually getting where they need to go? I mean … they would have probably told me if that was a thing, right?

So there it is. I will hopefully have actual facts to update with tomorrow after my ultrasound and such. Looking forward to adding a third shot to my regimen! (/sarcasm font). I’ll leave you with a photo of my little evening shots set-up. I feel like there are so many steps that I have to be super anal about laying everything out lest I miss something. Or maybe it’s just me being me, who knows.

IVF: Let’s Get This Party Started

I’m sitting here right at the beginning of my very first (hopefully only!?) IVF cycle. This post may perhaps be slightly boring if you are not super interested in exactly what protocol I am using and what led me to IVF. If that doesn’t sound fun to you, feel free to read something else. I can recommend a couple hundred lesbian romance novels if you’re interested.

SO IUI #12 was a bust (which was actually a relief, because can you imagine if it worked on the last try before insurance kicked in?! And then I got to start all over again with the out of pocket bullshit when we try for number two?!) – got my BFN at the beginning of November and immediately submitted for IVF prior approval. Having done this twice already, I felt like a champ at urging my RE to get the paperwork in, etc … and I also felt very certain they were going to deny it for no good reason again. Miracle of miracles it was approved! As I mentioned in my last post, I was traveling a lot during the month of November so knew it probably wouldn’t work with the constant monitoring that IVF requires. That said, I was hell bent on not waiting until the new year to get this started.

My RE’s initial plan was to wait for my next period and then start IVF. But I can do math, so I knew that that was never going to happen without running straight through Christmas. I spend Christmas several states away in Ohio with my family, so trying to do a retrieval or transfer around the holiday is a no-go. I have a friend who is also starting IVF this week and her RE had put her on birth control as a way to both suppress her ovaries as well as allow them to time her cycle as soon as insurance approval came through. I asked my RE if I could do the same and she agreed (without even any discussion which makes me think … how do you make these decisions? … but whatever), so I started birth control in early November on day 3 of my cycle. So birth control is fun times, huh? Also, it’s free?! Thanks, Obama!

I had a suppression check (baseline ultrasound as well as bloodwork) yesterday and they told me that after that they would know whether we could start my stim meds in the next couple days. So then I get the results voicemail and they’re like “okay so you are going to start your gonal-f tonight, and inject 300 IUs for the next 4 nights until you come back on Friday for another ultrasound and bloodwork.” I totally didn’t expect to start that day! I haven’t even gotten my period yet but apparently that doesn’t matter. I assume I’ll still have a period this cycle? I don’t even know. Ah!

So last night was the night! I took one of my Gonal-F pens out of my refrigerator and dialed the handy-dandy dose dialer thing to 300 and went for it! I have to say that all of the syringes and needles and putting the needle on the pen and everything is fairly overwhelming. How have y’all tracked your IVF meds? Right now I’m using Fertility Friend but I let my subscription expire so it doesn’t give me the whole grid with my custom meds on it. Should I pay for that subscription again or is there another/better way to keep track?

The plan from here … Gonal-F every night through Thursday night, ultrasound and bloodwork again first thing Friday morning and I’ll have further instructions. My protocol from there as I understand it is:

• Ganirelix in the AM to keep me from ovulating
• Gonal-F in the PM still
• Add Menopur in the PM
• Keep going until I’m ready to pop
• Novarel to trigger ovulation
• Retrieval
• Fresh transfer?
• Crinone after transfer (ugh I hate this damn goop)
• Vivelle patches after transfer

IF I don’t hyper stimulate (oh! another poll – how many of y’all hyper stimulated and had to wait and do a frozen transfer?), we’re hoping for a fresh transfer on day 3 or 5 post-retrieval. I opted NOT to do ICSI because it was not covered by insurance and my doctor seemed to think it was better to try without. I’m really hoping we get more than enough embryos so that we can freeze some for baby numero dos. I feel so lucky that insurance is covering this all at 100% other than my 10% co-insurance and my medication co-pays. I think I ended up having to pay around $700 for the co-insurance (I have an out-of-pocket yearly maximum that I was almost at, so I just had to pay that and not the whole 10%) and $130 or so for the medication co-pays. Of course, that’s after we sunk $18,000 into IUIs and sperm over the past almost 2 years, so we could have just paid for IVF out of pocket up front. But now that I qualified for fertility coverage, I am automatically already qualified when we try again.

Things I am anxious about now that I don’t have to be anxious about ovulation and timing:

• That my body won’t respond well to the stimulation
• That my body will respond slowly and it will fuck up my Christmas travel plans
• That I won’t have any viable eggs
• That none of the eggs will fertilize
• That we won’t have any good embryos
• That we won’t have any embryos left to freeze

Well, I have to be anxious about something right? Here’s to new adventures and to being back in the blog-o-sphere!

Anyone Still Out There?

Oh my goodness where have I been? Well … at any rate, I’m back. Anyone still out there reading?

I took some time off from blogging for a few reasons. The first being my first ever experience with depression. I don’t think it was entirely TTC-related (though I’m sure it contributed), but it was not a fun time for me. Or for the wife of course, though she was wonderfully supportive. I believe I’ve talked about my OCD on here before, but if not I will now. After the depression lifted (it took maybe a month or two?) my OCD kicked in full force. Lots of anxiety and compulsions … all fun stuff.

Reason number 2? Things weren’t going well in TTC land and I didn’t want to think about it any more than I had to. So I stopped writing (and reading) and tried to focus on other things in my life. I also chose that time to become completely obsessed with reading lesbian fiction, which I’m not at all ashamed of (okay, maybe a little). But seriously lesbifriends, there’s some great romance out there for us. Also, reading quick, guaranteed-happy-ending, romance novels is a great way to escape and get the happy feels going.

The last reason I haven’t been back for a while is that I opened up to a few friends about TTC and suddenly had some more people to talk to about it. It’s been nice to have that outlet, but (as you all know I’m sure), people who aren’t going through all this fertility razzamatazz don’t really get it.

SO that’s what brings me back, and I’m so ready to be back here now. I hope I can reconnect with you guys as I try to catch up on everyone else’s journeys – and of course get you caught up on mine.

I last checked in back in February when I had just had BFN #7. If you really want the facts of what’s happened since, I updated my timeline page. The short version? Insurance denied me coverage twice so I paid out of pocket for 5 more IUIs, all (obviously) BFNs. Now, with 12 failed IUIs under my belt, I’m headed into IVF land. I’m actually going to write another post about my IVF plans and protocol specifics so I’ll leave you with that. I’ve missed you, cyberfriends, and I am happy to be back 🙂