IVF: Let’s Get This Party Started

I’m sitting here right at the beginning of my very first (hopefully only!?) IVF cycle. This post may perhaps be slightly boring if you are not super interested in exactly what protocol I am using and what led me to IVF. If that doesn’t sound fun to you, feel free to read something else. I can recommend a couple hundred lesbian romance novels if you’re interested.

SO IUI #12 was a bust (which was actually a relief, because can you imagine if it worked on the last try before insurance kicked in?! And then I got to start all over again with the out of pocket bullshit when we try for number two?!) – got my BFN at the beginning of November and immediately submitted for IVF prior approval. Having done this twice already, I felt like a champ at urging my RE to get the paperwork in, etc … and I also felt very certain they were going to deny it for no good reason again. Miracle of miracles it was approved! As I mentioned in my last post, I was traveling a lot during the month of November so knew it probably wouldn’t work with the constant monitoring that IVF requires. That said, I was hell bent on not waiting until the new year to get this started.

My RE’s initial plan was to wait for my next period and then start IVF. But I can do math, so I knew that that was never going to happen without running straight through Christmas. I spend Christmas several states away in Ohio with my family, so trying to do a retrieval or transfer around the holiday is a no-go. I have a friend who is also starting IVF this week and her RE had put her on birth control as a way to both suppress her ovaries as well as allow them to time her cycle as soon as insurance approval came through. I asked my RE if I could do the same and she agreed (without even any discussion which makes me think … how do you make these decisions? … but whatever), so I started birth control in early November on day 3 of my cycle. So birth control is fun times, huh? Also, it’s free?! Thanks, Obama!

I had a suppression check (baseline ultrasound as well as bloodwork) yesterday and they told me that after that they would know whether we could start my stim meds in the next couple days. So then I get the results voicemail and they’re like “okay so you are going to start your gonal-f tonight, and inject 300 IUs for the next 4 nights until you come back on Friday for another ultrasound and bloodwork.” I totally didn’t expect to start that day! I haven’t even gotten my period yet but apparently that doesn’t matter. I assume I’ll still have a period this cycle? I don’t even know. Ah!

So last night was the night! I took one of my Gonal-F pens out of my refrigerator and dialed the handy-dandy dose dialer thing to 300 and went for it! I have to say that all of the syringes and needles and putting the needle on the pen and everything is fairly overwhelming. How have y’all tracked your IVF meds? Right now I’m using Fertility Friend but I let my subscription expire so it doesn’t give me the whole grid with my custom meds on it. Should I pay for that subscription again or is there another/better way to keep track?

The plan from here … Gonal-F every night through Thursday night, ultrasound and bloodwork again first thing Friday morning and I’ll have further instructions. My protocol from there as I understand it is:

• Ganirelix in the AM to keep me from ovulating
• Gonal-F in the PM still
• Add Menopur in the PM
• Keep going until I’m ready to pop
• Novarel to trigger ovulation
• Retrieval
• Fresh transfer?
• Crinone after transfer (ugh I hate this damn goop)
• Vivelle patches after transfer

IF I don’t hyper stimulate (oh! another poll – how many of y’all hyper stimulated and had to wait and do a frozen transfer?), we’re hoping for a fresh transfer on day 3 or 5 post-retrieval. I opted NOT to do ICSI because it was not covered by insurance and my doctor seemed to think it was better to try without. I’m really hoping we get more than enough embryos so that we can freeze some for baby numero dos. I feel so lucky that insurance is covering this all at 100% other than my 10% co-insurance and my medication co-pays. I think I ended up having to pay around $700 for the co-insurance (I have an out-of-pocket yearly maximum that I was almost at, so I just had to pay that and not the whole 10%) and $130 or so for the medication co-pays. Of course, that’s after we sunk $18,000 into IUIs and sperm over the past almost 2 years, so we could have just paid for IVF out of pocket up front. But now that I qualified for fertility coverage, I am automatically already qualified when we try again.

Things I am anxious about now that I don’t have to be anxious about ovulation and timing:

• That my body won’t respond well to the stimulation
• That my body will respond slowly and it will fuck up my Christmas travel plans
• That I won’t have any viable eggs
• That none of the eggs will fertilize
• That we won’t have any good embryos
• That we won’t have any embryos left to freeze

Well, I have to be anxious about something right? Here’s to new adventures and to being back in the blog-o-sphere!

Anyone Still Out There?

Oh my goodness where have I been? Well … at any rate, I’m back. Anyone still out there reading?

I took some time off from blogging for a few reasons. The first being my first ever experience with depression. I don’t think it was entirely TTC-related (though I’m sure it contributed), but it was not a fun time for me. Or for the wife of course, though she was wonderfully supportive. I believe I’ve talked about my OCD on here before, but if not I will now. After the depression lifted (it took maybe a month or two?) my OCD kicked in full force. Lots of anxiety and compulsions … all fun stuff.

Reason number 2? Things weren’t going well in TTC land and I didn’t want to think about it any more than I had to. So I stopped writing (and reading) and tried to focus on other things in my life. I also chose that time to become completely obsessed with reading lesbian fiction, which I’m not at all ashamed of (okay, maybe a little). But seriously lesbifriends, there’s some great romance out there for us. Also, reading quick, guaranteed-happy-ending, romance novels is a great way to escape and get the happy feels going.

The last reason I haven’t been back for a while is that I opened up to a few friends about TTC and suddenly had some more people to talk to about it. It’s been nice to have that outlet, but (as you all know I’m sure), people who aren’t going through all this fertility razzamatazz don’t really get it.

SO that’s what brings me back, and I’m so ready to be back here now. I hope I can reconnect with you guys as I try to catch up on everyone else’s journeys – and of course get you caught up on mine.

I last checked in back in February when I had just had BFN #7. If you really want the facts of what’s happened since, I updated my timeline page. The short version? Insurance denied me coverage twice so I paid out of pocket for 5 more IUIs, all (obviously) BFNs. Now, with 12 failed IUIs under my belt, I’m headed into IVF land. I’m actually going to write another post about my IVF plans and protocol specifics so I’ll leave you with that. I’ve missed you, cyberfriends, and I am happy to be back 🙂

 

Closets are for Clothes

As I am sure many of you already know, today is National Coming Out Day. Every year when October 11th rolls around, I start the day by wondering why we need to have it. In truth, that thought is wishful thinking. Em and I live in the “Boston Bubble,” where our rights are really equal and almost no one bats an eye. I have to remind myself that that is not what it is like everywhere else – and that’s when I remember why National Coming Out Day (and coming out in general) is important. The attitude in the US toward marriage equality is so rapidly changing for the better, which is so so fantastic.

“The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice.” -Martin Luther King Jr.

The domino game of states with marriage equality is the most amazing thing to witness, and makes me feel so validated and happy. And it is BECAUSE people keep coming out. When we come out, our friends and family and neighbors can put a face to the acronym. Coming out is totally necessary, and every single brave person who comes out – and every person they come out to – is a part of the movement toward equality.

Coming out is not a one-time thing. It’s not even a three- or four-time thing. I have to make decisions every week, sometimes every day, on whether to come out – to clients at work, while I’m getting my nails done, at the store … and I’m not always brave enough. I’m ashamed to say I often choose the easy way out. When the woman doing my nails compliments my ring and says something like “your husband has great taste!” – I often choose to respond, “I know he does!” And every time it feels inauthentic and a get a sinking feeling in my stomach. Like the truth isn’t comfortable or good enough for the moment.

So, for today, I’m going to share with all of you my coming out story (because, I mean, you already all know that I’m queer). Well, I’m going to share with you the beginning of my coming out story – because that story hasn’t ended (and probably won’t).

I came out to myself just after my 19th birthday. I was a freshman in college and I had spent the first semester harboring a serious crush on a girl who lived in my dorm. College was the first time I had met any queer women. Actually, that’s not true. One of my friends in high school came out as bi, but never acted on it and later “took it back.” She also used to say that she liked girls but she would “never have sex with a girl because vaginas are gross.”  (I am in no way discounting her experience – more commenting that it didn’t have the same impact on me as meeting queer women who dated and slept with and were in relationships with other women). ANYWAY I spent a semester hanging out with this girl who I had a crush on every night, telling myself that it was a totally normal friendship to want to just lie in bed together for hours playing with each others’ hair, not even talking. And then I went home for winter break, and spent some time with an older friend (ha – she was probably 25 at the time?), who came out to me as bi. After validating her feelings and saying the things good friends say, I went down to my car and just sat there for probably 10 minutes. I just sat and thought and felt this big, life-altering thing bubble inside me. I thought to myself about how I had never really ever had a crush on a boy, and how I made excuses for that (there are just no cute boys in my little town!). I thought about how I often thought of girls in sexual ways, and that my constant attempts to tell myself that “that’s normal, a lot of teenagers think about people of the same sex without being gay” were just a big load of denial. I thought about my intense female friendships, and all of the feelings that I had squashed over the past few years. And I thought about that feeling that always crept in from the back of my mind. That feeling that I might be different. That feeling that I always pushed away so quickly that I never really thought it through. And when I was done thinking about those things, I texted the friend who had just come out to me, “me too. OK? now you know.” And that was it. I couldn’t take it back. I pressed send.

Hindsight is 20/20 of course. I was raised in a big Irish Catholic family, and we went to church every week. I had learned that it was “okay to be gay, but not okay to act on your feelings.” So luckily it wasn’t the hellfire and damnation viewpoint that gays will go to hell etc etc, but I certainly was raised to really really really not want to be gay. Now that I’m looking back, I can see all of the clues I missed. As one example (because this post is getting kind of long and I have to get up the courage to give myself a trigger shot in like a half hour), I recall going to my check up at the doctor when I was 12. I must have been 12, because I believe that that is the age when your medical information officially becomes not your parents’ business unless you want it to be – and my doctor gave me a survey to fill out with the assurance that only she would see it. It was mostly questions like Have you ever tried drugs? Have your friends tried drugs or alcohol? Do you feel safe at home? etc. But there was a prompt on the 3rd page or so that really stumped me. I am attracted to … __ boys __ girls __  both __ I don’t know. I remember so clearly sitting there and staring at the question. And I remember skipping it, filling out the rest of the packet, and then going back. I also remember being terrified because I didn’t even know why it was tripping me up so much. I am pretty sure I ended up checking off “both” or “I don’t know,” and then erasing it and checking of “boys” instead.

After sending that text and acknowledging, in print, that I wasn’t straight, I am pretty sure I cried for a good chunk of the drive home. But by the next morning I felt like a huge weight had lifted. Like, okay, that’s what that feeling is. I’ve mentioned before that I have OCD – my symptoms were very significant for the last 2 years of high school. I was having panic attacks multiple times each week. Once I sent that text, my anxiety significantly decreased. As a freshman at a fairly artsy college in Boston, I used to “do art” on the weekends with friends (sometimes under the influence), and often found myself drawing X’s over my mouth, which I never could explain – but it totally stopped after I sent that text. I went back to school and systematically came out to everyone who meant something to me. I was extraordinarily nervous every single time, but I didn’t experience one negative reaction. Most people were entirely nonchalant. It was actually kind of jarring that people were so blase about something that was so emotional and HUGE for me. Either way, I can’t complain. And after a couple of weeks, once everyone knew, it became just another thing about me and I was able to move onward and upward. It was so freeing and exhilarating.

I didn’t come out to my parents for another year and a quarter after that. I didn’t know where to begin, I was worried about how they’d react, and I had this irrational fear that they would send me to a conversion camp (they really would never ever do that – I don’t know why I fixated on that fear). On top of all of that, though, I didn’t know what to say. Back then, I really didn’t identify as a “lesbian.” I had come out as “bi” to most people, but that word didn’t sit right with me either. I knew I liked girls more, but wasn’t closing any doors. I kept telling people that I didn’t like labels, but that “love is tender and knows no gender.” On advice from some friends at my very first National Coming Out Day (October 11, 2006), I decided that the best way to do it would be to come out as in a relationship with someone, rather than with a label. So that was the plan. When I started seeing my first girlfriend (I wouldn’t even call her a girlfriend – just a girl who I dated), I thought about it and procrastinated. Then, like a month later (ha) when she broke up with me by starting to see some guy and calling me to ask advice about him, I was devastated and decided to call my mom and tell her all about it so she could comfort me. It took me 2 phone calls but I finally got it out. I managed to talk about this girl without using any pronouns at all for a full 5 minutes, and finally at the end said something like, “and it was a girl.” My mom cried because I was crying, but she told me that she and my dad loved me no matter what and just wanted me to be happy. It was just what I needed to hear, though I could tell in her voice that it was really hard for her to come to terms with. My parents have come a really long way and are nothing but supportive of me now, but it was something that didn’t really get talked much about after that phone call. I brought it up again a few months into my relationship with Em (probably 3 months after the initial phone call), and my mom said “it’s a girl again, isn’t it?” Like I said, they’ve come a long way since then.

Coming out was freeing, painful, terrifying, exhilarating, and the single best, bravest thing I’ve ever done. And it continues to be all of those things. It is so many things – and one of them is important.

“Gay brothers and sisters,…You must come out. Come out… to your parents… I know that it is hard and will hurt them but think about how they will hurt you in the voting booth! Come out to your relatives… come out to your friends… if indeed they are your friends. Come out to your neighbors… to your fellow workers… to the people who work where you eat and shop… come out only to the people you know, and who know you. Not to anyone else. But once and for all, break down the myths, destroy the lies and distortions. For your sake. For their sake.” -Harvey Milk

So, that’s my story. If you made it this far, I am sincerely impressed. Thank you for reading it.

One Year … and Updates

I started this blog post a week and a half ago. I’m not sure why I haven’t been posting, or why I never posted this, but here goes:

I don’t think I’ve talked about it much here, but my wife and I became foster parents last year. It was an amazing experience, and a huge milestone in our relationship with each other. We started thinking about fostering in October of 2012, and by May 2013 we were licensed and ready to go. Then, one year ago today (edit: not really today, actually a week and a half ago), we got a phone call that changed our lives forever. It was actually our third placement call, though the first two hadn’t worked out – one sibling set got placed with a family that didn’t need daycare, the other sibling set we said no to because they were out of our age range and we weren’t physically ready for that. But back to today (the figurative today), last year. We got a call. A baby girl, not yet 11 months old, had been removed early that morning and they were looking for a placement that day. One year ago. We said yes, the world flipped over entirely, and we became mamas. All in the span of about an hour.

As I’m sure you can surmise, we are no longer foster parenting that beautiful little girl. She lived with us for 2 months. She gave us the most joy we’ve ever had, and her subsequent removal caused us the most pain. We were entirely aware that our chances of being her forever family were slim to none – her goal was reunification with her family. We weren’t pre-adoptive parents, we were in it to provide temporary care – to help our community on a very concrete and immediate level. Yes, it was very difficult to say goodbye. Unfortunately, we weren’t really able to grieve and work through her leaving, because the circumstances of her leaving were very not ideal. Although we were prepared for the loss, it hit us in ways we hadn’t prepared us for. And afterward, we were left with this substantial loss. We were mamas without a baby. I can’t believe it’s been a year. I really don’t have much else to say about that, except that it would make it all the more meaningful if we were to get pregnant this cycle. I miss being a mom, and I miss that little one, every single day.

So onto the here and now:

• We went to my best friend’s wedding this weekend and it was an absolute blast. Major happiness hangovers all around. I can’t believe how lucky I am to have such beautiful, compassionate, fun, phenomenal people in my life. I’m also glad I didn’t ovulate before or during the wedding (I was totally convinced I would – I started getting EWCM last Wednesday).
• Today is CD21 and I got a positive OPK (internet cheapie mostly positive first thing this AM, Clear Blue digital positive at 9am) today. I’m impressed with my body for ovulating (hopefully) earlier than usual! This is the earliest surge I’ve had since I started charting.
• IUI 2.0 is scheduled for tomorrow morning! Tank pick-up at 9am, drive right to the clinic by 9:30 to drop it off for prep, and IUI scheduled for 11am.
• In a perfect twist of fate, my day off is tomorrow so I am not at all stressed about ovulation happening on a weekday. I do, however, have to change my acupuncture appointment (it is also scheduled for 11). Any thoughts on whether I should go to acupuncture immediately before or immediately after my IUI?
• I’m still scheduled to leave the country for a conference next Friday, so the end of my 2WW and my official test date will fall while I’m overseas and away from the wife. I’m trying to decide if I’ll bring a test with me and test there or just wait to see if my period arrives and if not, rely on the beta test when I return. Hard choices! I’m sure I’ll end up testing (I have no patience at all). After my last IUI, my period came a full 2 days early, which is very weird because my luteal phase has been a very consistent 13 days other than that 1 cycle. Anyway, AF is scheduled to arrive during the conference so that’s fun.

Send some baby dust my way, ladies! I really hope this one works. Even though it’s only our 2nd “attempt,” I feel like we’ve been trying since December (my first visit to the Doctor to get the ball rolling). I really thought we’d have more than 2 attempts in by July! I’m trying my best to put aside those thoughts and just think fertile and sticky thoughts.

Today’s Obsession: BBT

Of course I need something to worry about.

So, much like Decaf at My Little Happy Family, I did not get a temp spike today like I did after ovulation day last cycle. It literally went up maybe .2 degrees, but I took it twice and used the higher temp. Obviously that means I’m spending my day obsessing over whether or not I actually ovulated yesterday, and if not, whether the little swimmers would have made it to today.

Here’s my chart this month so far (excuse the wacky temps on the weekends – we traveled a bit this month and sometimes I sleep in):

And last month’s:

Given that my temp went up over a couple of days last month, I still feel like there is a chance I ovulated yesterday (hopefully) (or maybe that’s just what I have to tell myself so I don’t feel like I flushed $1000 down the vagina toilet). My Monday temp may very well have been artificially high because I had 2 glasses of wine on Sunday night, and barely slept a wink from all the anxiety. I am 99% sure I did not have a solid 4-hour chunk of sleep before temping (it was MAYBE 2 1/2 hours). Also both yesterday and today I temped at weird times (but it was probably only off by a half hour or so), and my CM is definitely drying up – with no EW or WCM in sight. Could all of those things account for a less-than-ideal rise today? Hoping for a better sign tomorrow.

Surprise!

IUI #1 was today instead of tomorrow – surprise!

I’m not sure I can even come close to writing in an organized fashion right now, so bear with me.

• I was up tossing and turning all night last night, which is really notable for me as I am a ridiculously sound sleeper (I have literally slept through fire alarms). My poor wife was reminded just how sound a sleeper I usually am (and probably just how light a sleeper she is) and got just as little sleep. I was just too anxious to even be able to consider resting my brain for the night. Obviously all of the question marks surrounding the timing of my positive OPK yesterday left me really uneasy with the plan (actually, it really felt like there wasn’t a plan at all – just a vague idea of calling in the morning to set up an IUI for Tuesday, and somehow scheduling a same-day tank swap at the bank to keep us in the guarantee, which they don’t even do …). I knew that I would feel better just by talking to someone at the RE’s office, and that did turn out to be the case.
• I did an OPK (internet cheapie AND Clear Blue digital) this morning, which was negative. The internet test still had a dark test line, but lighter than the control line, and the CB came up with a big fat O. This spun my already anxious brain into new heights of what-ifs. Also – if I hadn’t done that afternoon test they yelled at me about yesterday I wouldn’t have caught it at all!
• I got my fav nurse, Tracy, on the phone around 8:15 this morning. They technically don’t open until 8:30 so that was good but I was still in crazy-freakout-anxious mode because nothing was resolved, and I was in the car on my way to work. Anyway, Tracy was great and consulted with my RE, and they both agreed that even the “subtle surge” of yesterday morning was enough to do the IUI today. So that became the plan.
• As soon as the plan was to do the IUI today, it was like a magic wand had erased all of the tension in my body. It feels like that was the right thing to do, and it solved the issue that I hadn’t yet gotten to solving – the tank swap. Since the guarantee was good through today, we didn’t have to worry about it at all. (Phew)
• Of course, last minute plans tend to throw all sorts of things out of whack – so I had a crazy morning trying to re-schedule my 10:00 patient, who was already en route from a whole other state … Long story short, I didn’t reschedule them – I just did a shortened eval and rushed out as soon as they stepped out of my office door to make my 11:45 IUI appointment. Afterward, I rushed back to be here in time for my 1:00 patient, who didn’t show. Go figure.
• The IUI itself was interesting. I had a full bladder, and the only discomfort I felt was from the speculum. So maybe that was because of the bladder? Or maybe I just was distracted from any cervix pain by the duck lips in my vag. When she pushed the sperm in, it made the weirdest sound – is that normal? My wife cracked up at the sound of it, so if this IUI makes a baby, it will have had a very humorous start. The vial was SO SMALL – how could there have been enough sperm in there to make a baby?? Overall, it went much more smoothly than I was expecting. The nurse commented on my CM looking good (officially weirdest compliment I’ve ever received but I’ll take it), and his numbers sounded fine. The count was 29 million, and 52% motility. They said they look for anything over 20 million and 50% motility. I would have loved to hear that the motility was higher but I really have no frame of reference for what to expect.

If you got through all of that – good for you. If you scrolled to the end to get the important deets, here ya go:

1. My surge is apparently short. Or weak. I don’t know. What does that mean? Nurse Tracy said I should ideally test mid-morning, once/day for best results. I think that may affect sperm retrieval from the bank if they need 24 hours notice though… I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.
2. IUI #1 is officially over
3. I am now in my very first TWW … let the Googling and symptom-spotting begin
4. This is officially the closest I’ve ever been to pregnant
5. Sperm makes a funny sound going in

Here’s to the two week wait! We’ve promised each other to be as normal as possible, distract ourselves, and not test at all (until the blood test on May 12) … feel free to make fun of me tomorrow when I start obsessing and buy a home pregnancy test. So glad I have a couple of wait buddies out here in the blog-o-sphere!

Counting Blessings

It is SO easy to get caught up in the uncertainty and annoyances of TTC, and I feel that my thinking has become very anxious and negative overall.  I would usually describe myself as an extreme optimist, so these negative feelings and the doubt creeping in really affects me. A little reminder to look at the big picture went a long way for me today, and I am really happy to be getting my TTC thoughts back in the positive category.

I was watching Mystery Diagnosis (UGH I KNOW … my weird guilty pleasure that I can only indulge in on my day off when dear wife is not home), and they profiled a woman who, at the start, was dealing with fertility issues. She went off the pill and her natural cycles weren’t coming back … Anyway, it ended up that she had a brain tumor (sitting on her pituitary gland) that she never would have found if not for trying to start her family. I just couldn’t stop thinking about how much more she suddenly had to deal with and how scary and hard it must have been … not to mention having to put TTC plans aside. She went on to make a full recovery and have two beautiful children, which is a lovely and hopeful ending, but wasn’t really the reason the piece affected me. Moreso, it reminded me a) to count my blessings. I am relatively healthy and am at least sometimes able to ovulate on my own, and I don’t have any larger health issues that are precluding me from TTC or getting on with my life; and b) that there is a larger picture here and that I am TOO focused on the minutia leading up to it. I need to let go and let things happen, because it’ll all come together in whatever way it is supposed to.
*(It is likely that right now you are thinking “what a wack-a-doodle this chick is for not only watching Mystery Diagnosis, but having some sort of spiritual epiphany over it” … and I can’t argue with ya there.)

OK so big picture epiphany rant aside, here’s the buzz:

• I did not surge today.
• I DID get more EWCM today – not a ton, but some which is enough for me right now, because it means my body is at least doing something in there.
• I have decided to do OPKs twice per day – once when I wake up (around 6:30am), and again before dinner (around 6:30pm). I’m kind of paranoid about missing my surge. I think I read on Fertility Friend somewhere that LH usually surges over a 24-48 hour period, and that it usually starts early morning so a mid-day test is the best idea? I work in an outpatient clinic and it would be not only weird but also pretty difficult to test mid-day, so I’m sticking to my guns on this one but I think you can see what types of things I’ve been Googling on my day off …
• I have been using the cheap-o OPK test strips (bought on Amazon) for the last 2 cycles. Our good friends donated an unopened pack of Clear Blue digitals because they are going to expire in July and they aren’t trying for #2 yet. So I cracked those open today because I was excited to learn how they work [oh god, who am I?], and that was a fun part of my day. I think these are the kind with the flashing face when you are “approaching,” which my RE warned me was going to send me into a panic so I’ll reserve judgement until that happens, but it was nice to not have to set my timer to know when to read it.
• I’m hoping to convince my lady to go to sushi tonight because [knock on wood] [hopefully] I’ll be inseminating in the next few days and not able to eat it for at least 2 weeks and hopefully more. I think my convincing powers are good so here’s hoping for a yummy dinner date.
• Probably the most ridiculous difficult thing I’m trying to do right now in my “preconception planning” is to quit Diet Coke. Dear Lord this is a difficult task. I tried to cut down to 1/day this week and was successful for a total of 2 days. Today I’ve only had 1 but we’re mostly likely definitely going out to eat and it is SO HARD to resist DC at restaurants. I’m not even at all concerned about cutting coffee out – I hardly ever drink it. Sushi? I’ll miss ya, but at least I can go to a Japanese restaurant and eat the cooked stuff during our TWWs and eventual 9MW. But Diet Coke … you are my Everest. I’m thinking maybe I should force myself to blog about how I’m doing. Will y’all hold me to it?

Update: yay raw fish! (I forgot to take the pic until I’d downed a bunch … guess I was a bit hangry).

Update #2: I had water with dinner. Yay me.

Unpredictable

Warning: rant to follow

My last 2 cycles (while on Metformin) have been relatively equal in length and predictable in terms of CM, positive OPKs, temps, and timing of my periods. Of course, now that we are cleared for an IUI, my body has its own plan.

I had expected that I would get a surge Friday or Saturday, if this cycle matches the last. Not only have I not gotten a positive OPK, I also haven’t gotten any other signs of impending ovulation. My CM has been not-so-patterned and symptoms overall have been nothing but confusing. UGH! End rant.

So here’s our current reality: there’s a nitrogen tank holding a vial of sperm sitting on my dining room table. All dressed up with nowhere to go. The bank is only open M-F and they need 24 hours notice for a pick up, so we had to pick it up on Friday for an IUI Saturday, Sunday, or Monday. We hedged our bets with the 5 day tank (standard), which we grabbed on Friday. We’re still good for an IUI tomorrow or Wednesday, which really means just Wednesday because I didn’t surge today so tomorrow is out, but that’s looking unlikely at this point. Stress is clearly delaying my O this cycle! I’m doing my best to “just relax” but we all know how well that works. Out options now are either to do a tank transfer for $25 to buy us another 5 days, or re-deposit the vail until we need it for sure (later this week? Not until next month? Who’s to know!?). I guess here’s hoping I surge first thing tomorrow so I don’t have to make this decision.

I’m also feeling uncertain about what to do with my RE at this point. I do believe that my O is pending, my CM has started to change for the fertile-er over the past two days I think. My RE would say that both of my last two cycles were “delayed” and told me to call and come in for a work up (baseline ultrasound, blood work) if I didn’t O by day 28, which is Wednesday. She is great, but doesn’t seem to be behind the idea that a long but regular cycle can be “normal.” I feel like if I do go in when she says, it means admitting that this cycle is out, while waiting another week or so would let me still feel hopeful. For a frame of reference, I O’d (confirmed by temps) on days 24 and 26 the last 2 cycles. So what do we think? Do I give it a few more days or go ahead and call? I think I’d have to call tomorrow to get a plan so I know what to do with the vial.

My hopes for a clear path and predictable plan were clearly misinformed. Breathing deep and trying to roll with the punches!

Got Sperm?

So … we just bought sperm. All of a sudden our pockets are feeling MUCH lighter and this is all feeling very real. Damn that shit is expensive! We obviously have known the cost for a while, but it’s a whole new ball game when you put it on your credit card.

Today is CD6 of what I hope is going to be our first TTC cycle. We have a follow-up with our RE next week. Our newly obtained little swimmers will be accessible to us next week as well. If this cycle is consistent with how things have gone since starting Met.formin, I’ll ovulate (fingers crossed) around CD24. Here’s the issue with that: CD 24 is Easter weekend and we will be out of town visiting my in-laws for Easter/Passover. SO we might be out for this cycle if the timing doesn’t work out.

Fingers crossed for earlier ovulation this month. Thinking fertile thoughts for the next couple of weeks. Aaahhh!

How do I keep my brain from going to that “This is the month!” “Finally starting!” “I could totally be pregnant in a few weeks” place?! I’m a highly logical and level-headed person, but I believe there is no escaping the emotion in all of this. Help!

Survey

Goodness. I haven’t done a survey since maybe MySpace was a thing? Gotta do something to fill the time though! Just waiting on AF to make her on-time appearance next week, and then waiting for our RE appointment to happen in April.

Anyway, thanks to S over at Infertile Myrtle for providing this procrastinatory fodder.

Random Relationship Survey

–How old are you? 
27

–How old is your spouse?
29

–How long have you been married?
4 months

–How long have you been together?
7 years

–Where did you meet?
Honestly? At a production of the Vagina Monologues at our college. One of my favorite stories that most people don’t know (because, how am I going to tell that to my aunt when she asks how we met?!)

–Where was your first date?
Oh, at some terrible mini-chain American place. I don’t remember much about the food part, but we did also go to an a capella concert on campus that evening which was awesome and sweaty-palm-filled.

–Who made the first move?
My dear wife. She also made the second, third, and fourth moves …

–Who was the first to say “I love you”?
I think that was me! I also think I was drunk when it happened which doesn’t make for a very romantic story. We’ve said “I love you” many many much more romantic times since.

–Who proposed?
She proposed. We had a conversation early(ish) on in the relationship that somehow cemented that she would propose, and just went with it. We went together to pick out her engagement ring right after it happened though (okay, maybe I called everyone in my phone right after, but we went to get her a ring right after that).

–Do you both want children?
Absolutely. I have wanted children since I was probably 3 or something. My wife warmed up to the idea a bit more slowly, but always knew it was a deal breaker for me. At the current moment, she is just as baby crazy as I am. We were mamas for a short while to a foster child last year, and since then have really felt the parental urges yanking us toward starting our forever family ASAP.

–Do you own a house?
Yep

–It’s cleaning day! You divvy up the chores, who does what?
Almost everything in the kitchen, my wife handles. This includes washing and putting away dishes, cooking, food shopping, etc.

I do all of the floors (even in the kitchen – gasp), dusting, bathroom cleaning, and tidying in the rest of the house.

She takes care of the pup and all of the doggy-related chores.

We split the laundry

– What do you like to do in your free time together?
During the week we love relaxing together with the dog – watching TV, playing games, etc. We have a ping pong table and play almost every night (we’re both kind of competitive … it gets a little tense). We like to have a show we are binge watching at any given moment. The default is Friends, but we go through phases – The West Wing, Golden Girls, Queer as Folk, Orange is the New Black … but it’s always something! We try to get out and take long walks with the pup on the weekends. When it’s warm outside, we like to explore neighborhoods and kayak.

–How’s the action?
Haha how do I answer this? If I say it’s “good” you’ll think why not great?!. If I say it’s “great” or “awesome” or “earth shattering,” you’ll think …ah, well I am not sure I wanted to know that. Or geez, TMI. Well, it is all of those things at different moments. So there ya go.

–Who is the first to apologize?
That would be me. And I usually do so over and over until I have worked myself into a tizzy that she hasn’t apologized back – usually spawning a whole other fight.

–Where would you like to live and raise your family, if not in your current area?
We’re in a city now. Our biggest goal is to live in a single family home in a suburb close to a city. It’s important to us to be somewhere that our family will be accepted, where our children won’t have to worry too much about the community being judgmental. Special bonus? – lower cost of living 🙂 All that said, we really like where we live.

–Which one of you gets to control the remote?
Definitely the wife. I can’t be trusted to remember to fast forward through commercials 😉

– Guilty pleasures as a couple?
Binge watching silly TV shows over and over. And also dessert.

–What do you think makes a relationship last?
Communication, a sense of humor, compromise, and a commitment to each other and the long haul. Hugs don’t hurt.