I wrote this first paragraph early last week, right after Orlando. I didn’t post it because I just kind of stopped writing after this paragraph and couldn’t finish. I’m going to post it now as is, but also do a bumpdate because I haven’t done one in forever and I want to remember these things.
First of all, I have so many feelings and thoughts about the tragedy in Orlando. I don’t think that I’m currently in the place where I can articulately share everything I’m thinking, and I know that others have articulated it all, probably better than I can. I’m mourning for members of our queer family whose lives were needlessly taken. I’m angry that people can easily and legally purchase assault weapons in this country, even when they are on terrorist watch lists. I’m confused by how some of the media has covered this tragedy – from not mentioning that it took place at a gay club, to what seems like an obsession with pinpointing one “reason” that this happened (terrorism vs. homophobia vs. mental illness). I’m sad at the deafening silence from most of my straight/cis friends and family members. I’m pissed at the people who are still ranting on about the “right” to own such ridiculous weapons with minimal to no controls or safety measures in place. But I’m also comforted to see some media outlets providing comprehensive coverage and discussing the complicated nature of the crime. I’m happy to see people coming together to support each other and to support the queer community. I’m moved by tributes to the victims and the outpouring of calls for policy change instead of just “thoughts and prayers.” It’s hard to sort through all of these feelings and have something coherent to say. It’s hard to think about my child being born into a world in which this can happen, a world where I was really starting to feel like I was safe. I don’t know how to comprehend but I do know that the way to move forward is with courage to make changes, love driving decisions instead of fear and hate, and pride.
I guess I just hope that we keep doing things now so that the world is a better place when this little one is in it.
How far along? 19 weeks 5 days
Baby is the size of: A zucchini or a mango
Total weight gain/loss: I lost about 7 pounds in the first trimester and have since gained about 8. So I’m +1 total, but I also haven’t gained in at least a week or two.
Maternity clothes: Yep. My pre-pregnancy shirts fit but are too short so I much prefer maternity shirts. Dress pant yoga pants are still working but I have to keep the band below my belly so they fall down a lot. The 2 pairs of maternity pants I have are preferable, so I’m probably going to need to get some more soon.
Coming out of the baby closet status: The info is out there and most people know. Much like coming out as queer, however, it keeps happening every day. I’m not pregnant looking enough for it to be an assumed fact I guess. Just today two people I work with came by and offered their congratulations, having just found out through the grapevine.
Have you started to show yet? I’m getting there. It’s obvious to me, but I was not a skinny person pre-pregnancy, and I tend to carry my weight in my abdomen, so I already looked a little pregnant. I am starting to get the more classically rounded belly look so hopefully I’ll look more pregnant than fat (not using this term negatively for myself – just a fact) in the next week or two. The maternity clothing probably helps my case 😉
Sleep: I’m still waking up at least once, but more commonly 2 or 3 times, each night. I did buy a Snoogle though, and I’m officially obsessed. It was so expensive and already has been worth every penny. I’m just a lot more comfortable. I’m definitely not sleeping on my belly anymore, so I guess my body got the memo that it was time to stop. I think that may be contributing to why I wake up a couple of times – I’m not necessarily uncomfortable, but I’m tossing and turning because I can’t sleep the way my body likes to.
I’m kind of looking forward to the hilarity that will probably ensue when I am bigger and trying to get out of bed with the Snoogle there. I’m hardly affected by the pregnancy now when it comes to mobility, but that pillow is a serious barrier to getting out of bed.
My next task is a new mattress. We’ve needed one for a while and just haven’t done it. Any recommendations? Someone at work highly recommended the Casper mattress today. Have any of you guys tried it?
Best moment this week: For some reason I just sat here for a few minutes trying to decide what my best moment in the past couple of weeks was … then I remembered we had our anatomy scan/fetal survey ultrasound last week!! As promised, it was very long and parts of it were boring/uncomfortable (in particular: trying to lie on my side on an ultrasound table while also watching the screen and not falling off), but getting to see our baby wiggling around in there was just magical. Poor Em was super bored for most of it. In the end, everything looked good. A doctor actually did the whole scan – I was expecting an ultrasound tech and then a doctor to review, but the doctor did the scan which probably made it shorter than it would have been so I’m grateful.
I’m not sure if I’ve discussed it here but we decided not to find out the baby’s biological sex. Mostly because we don’t care and it doesn’t mean anything, but also because we prefer relatively neutral clothing and stuff in general, and because I love a good surprise. The doctor was great about not using pronouns, and had us look away when she was taking a look at the pelvis. They don’t record the sex anywhere so my no one else will be able to slip up later because they don’t know either. Phew.
We got some great pics of the baby and these are my two favorites:
Miss Anything? Nope 🙂
Movement: After 2-3 weeks of thinking that perhaps maybe I was feeling something every once in a while … I’ve definitely been feeling the baby move around in there for the last few days (since this weekend). It’s to the point where I can be certain it’s the baby moving and not some other weird bodily function, and it lasts long enough that I can pay attention to it. It makes me so happy to be able to feel him or her rolling around in there. I had Em try to feel the other night while the little one was being particularly active, and she says she felt it from the outside too! We’ve tried a couple of other times without success, but I totally believe her that she felt that first one (it felt big from the inside too). It’s such a weird sensation and I’m totally obsessed with it.
Food cravings: I’m still totally obsessed with fruit and very disinterested in most meat (chicken and fish included). I’m trying to eat protein anyway – I know that a low carb/high protein diet is ideal to avoid gestational diabetes, which my OB has me obsessing about.
Anything making you queasy or sick? I’ve gotten sick first thing in the morning 2 or 3 times since the first trimester ended. The most recent time was just this week. It’s so weird and I’m fairly certain it’s related to a combination of dehydration and a super sensitive gag reflex, because it hasn’t had anything to do with feeling nauseous. Hopefully that’s it though (I keep saying that). Smells still overwhelm me, but not to the point where I’m feeling totally sick.
Symptoms: Movement, trouble sleeping, a little bit of lower back pain, bloating, and headaches (which are probably hydration related).
Purchases: Still obsessed with my Forester … hopefully that doesn’t wear off anytime soon. My mother bought us a bib from the iconic little shop in my tiny little town when we were home for a wedding a week and a half ago. She also “won” some Baby Bjorn swag at a silent auction, so we technically also have a baby carrier and a travel crib. 🙂
Looking forward to: I’m really looking forward to looking pregnant and not maybe pregnant/maybe fat.