Got Sperm?

So … we just bought sperm. All of a sudden our pockets are feeling MUCH lighter and this is all feeling very real. Damn that shit is expensive! We obviously have known the cost for a while, but it’s a whole new ball game when you put it on your credit card.

Today is CD6 of what I hope is going to be our first TTC cycle. We have a follow-up with our RE next week. Our newly obtained little swimmers will be accessible to us next week as well. If this cycle is consistent with how things have gone since starting Met.formin, I’ll ovulate (fingers crossed) around CD24. Here’s the issue with that: CD 24 is Easter weekend and we will be out of town visiting my in-laws for Easter/Passover. SO we might be out for this cycle if the timing doesn’t work out.

Fingers crossed for earlier ovulation this month. Thinking fertile thoughts for the next couple of weeks. Aaahhh!

How do I keep my brain from going to that “This is the month!” “Finally starting!” “I could totally be pregnant in a few weeks” place?! I’m a highly logical and level-headed person, but I believe there is no escaping the emotion in all of this. Help!

Survey

Goodness. I haven’t done a survey since maybe MySpace was a thing? Gotta do something to fill the time though! Just waiting on AF to make her on-time appearance next week, and then waiting for our RE appointment to happen in April.

Anyway, thanks to S over at Infertile Myrtle for providing this procrastinatory fodder.

Random Relationship Survey

–How old are you? 
27

–How old is your spouse?
29

–How long have you been married?
4 months

–How long have you been together?
7 years

–Where did you meet?
Honestly? At a production of the Vagina Monologues at our college. One of my favorite stories that most people don’t know (because, how am I going to tell that to my aunt when she asks how we met?!)

–Where was your first date?
Oh, at some terrible mini-chain American place. I don’t remember much about the food part, but we did also go to an a capella concert on campus that evening which was awesome and sweaty-palm-filled.

–Who made the first move?
My dear wife. She also made the second, third, and fourth moves …

–Who was the first to say “I love you”?
I think that was me! I also think I was drunk when it happened which doesn’t make for a very romantic story. We’ve said “I love you” many many much more romantic times since.

–Who proposed?
She proposed. We had a conversation early(ish) on in the relationship that somehow cemented that she would propose, and just went with it. We went together to pick out her engagement ring right after it happened though (okay, maybe I called everyone in my phone right after, but we went to get her a ring right after that).

–Do you both want children?
Absolutely. I have wanted children since I was probably 3 or something. My wife warmed up to the idea a bit more slowly, but always knew it was a deal breaker for me. At the current moment, she is just as baby crazy as I am. We were mamas for a short while to a foster child last year, and since then have really felt the parental urges yanking us toward starting our forever family ASAP.

–Do you own a house?
Yep

–It’s cleaning day! You divvy up the chores, who does what?
Almost everything in the kitchen, my wife handles. This includes washing and putting away dishes, cooking, food shopping, etc.

I do all of the floors (even in the kitchen – gasp), dusting, bathroom cleaning, and tidying in the rest of the house.

She takes care of the pup and all of the doggy-related chores.

We split the laundry

– What do you like to do in your free time together?
During the week we love relaxing together with the dog – watching TV, playing games, etc. We have a ping pong table and play almost every night (we’re both kind of competitive … it gets a little tense). We like to have a show we are binge watching at any given moment. The default is Friends, but we go through phases – The West Wing, Golden Girls, Queer as Folk, Orange is the New Black … but it’s always something! We try to get out and take long walks with the pup on the weekends. When it’s warm outside, we like to explore neighborhoods and kayak.

–How’s the action?
Haha how do I answer this? If I say it’s “good” you’ll think why not great?!. If I say it’s “great” or “awesome” or “earth shattering,” you’ll think …ah, well I am not sure I wanted to know that. Or geez, TMI. Well, it is all of those things at different moments. So there ya go.

–Who is the first to apologize?
That would be me. And I usually do so over and over until I have worked myself into a tizzy that she hasn’t apologized back – usually spawning a whole other fight.

–Where would you like to live and raise your family, if not in your current area?
We’re in a city now. Our biggest goal is to live in a single family home in a suburb close to a city. It’s important to us to be somewhere that our family will be accepted, where our children won’t have to worry too much about the community being judgmental. Special bonus? – lower cost of living 🙂 All that said, we really like where we live.

–Which one of you gets to control the remote?
Definitely the wife. I can’t be trusted to remember to fast forward through commercials 😉

– Guilty pleasures as a couple?
Binge watching silly TV shows over and over. And also dessert.

–What do you think makes a relationship last?
Communication, a sense of humor, compromise, and a commitment to each other and the long haul. Hugs don’t hurt.

Never thought I’d be so happy to be so miserable

CD1 (update: it’s actually CD2 … I started writing this yesterday and didn’t finish)

This post is going to be obsessive and silly and weird. Don’t say i didn’t warn you.

AF arrived today, right on schedule. <- That sentence has literally never ever been true in my life. By “right on schedule” I mean exactly 2 weeks after I am almost certain that I ovulated. Since this is my first natural cycle in a while, I don’t actually have a cycle length calculated but I can start counting now. My thoughts right now:

• I’ve been anxiously awaiting today since I ovulated 2 weeks ago and it has felt like forever. HOW THE HELL am I going to stay sane when I am waiting 2 weeks to find out if I’m pregnant?! The answer is that I am not. Sorry, dear.
• I’m actually super shocked I was able to predict AF’s visit. This must be what normal people feel like at like 20 when they figure out their timing.
• Why do I have to wait until April to go back to the RE? The Metformin is clearly working, let’s get this show on the road.
• How long is my follicular phase going to be this month? Since I have no real/normal comparison, I will have no idea when to start ovulation testing. I guess I’ll rely on CM and see how things go … About a year ago I was having semi-regular visits from AF – like, they were happening approximately once each calendar month, but I tried to count it out and literally no 2 cycles were the same length. God help me.

I think it’s no secret that I’m healthily baby obsessed. As each day passes I’m more ready to just be pregnant already. It has clearly become obsessive and silly and I am not even sorry. I contacted my RE to try to get the train moving and find out what I still need to do in order to be medically cleared to order sperm (I figure if we have sperm by the time I go to my follow-up appointment in early April, we can start trying maybe that cycle rather than having to wait another month). I just need to have a viral panel done before we have the go ahead. Apparently the results only “count” for a year, so they want me to wait until just before we are actually inseminating to do it so it doesn’t expire in case it takes me that long to get pregnant. So I guess I’ll just keep obsessively online donor-dating. If we find someone we can’t live without, I’ll just get the viral panel and order it already, or try to put it on hold or something.

I just wish there was something we could do to feel like we are moving forward with this! The waiting is killing me.

Also, I apparently haven’t had a period accompanied by normal hormone levels in a while because I’ve noticed 2 things about this month: a) DAMN this hurts, and b) I have been on an emotional roller coaster. I’ve snapped at my wife over I-don’t-even-know-what a whole bunch, and I keep crying. If I didn’t want a baby so badly, I’d be flushing this Metformin down the toilet and happily go back to catching up with Aunt Flo a only a handful of times a year.

On the up side of things, I have an amazing wife. She happily reads every donor profile I send her, (mostly) tolerates my mood swings, doesn’t get freaked out by my baby fever, and maybe best of all – got me beautiful pearl earrings for Valentine’s Day!

But really … why can’t Immaculate Conception just be a thing that happens to me now?!

In it to win it

Okay, I totally need to work on being in it to win it with this blog thing. It’s just kind of boring when I have nothing to post …

I keep reading about all y’alls’ two week waits … and I’m holding strong at 4 weeks into a 3 month wait before we can even get started! Patience …

So I’ve been on Met.formin for almost 4 weeks (it’ll be 4 weeks tomorrow), with a slowly increasing dose. My RE wanted to really slowly titrate up to the full dosage because of the nasty side effects Met tends to have on the digestive system … I won’t bore you with the gory details. Anyway, I have not had any yet (knock on wood), so that’s a blessing. But it also causes me to obsess about whether it is working. One thing I have noticed is that my CM seems more … prolific? I guess it is notable that it exists at all. I’ve always been pretty dry overall. I am fairly certain that I noticed EWCM at the beginning of last week. So, if the Met is indeed helping me ovulate (fingers crossed) and therefore bleed more regularly, I should be able to tell in the next few days/early next week.

Okay so here are my thoughts on this CM business: a) I never thought I would be looking/touching/noticing these things with such interest. I’m kind of horrified at myself. b) It’s gross and also fascinating. c) Why did no one ever tell me before now (I’m in my late 20’s! Why do I not know things about my body?) that CM is even a thing you can track?

I guess that last one is kind of untrue because I had a colleague/friend a couple of years ago who used to be very Catholic and was telling me about how she practiced Natural Family Planning for a long time. I maybe just didn’t pay much attention at the time (and definitely talked about her like it was such a ridiculous notion behind her back …). And now, here I am. Checking my CM like it’s my job. Ugh.

I also bought a 50 pack of ovulation predictor strips from Amazon. Of course, I only bought them after I was already pretty confident that I ovulated (knock on wood), so now they are just sitting there waiting for me to pee on them. I definitely did one just for practice (OK, I also wanted to see if I was one of those people who always gets a positive result … thankfully I’m not) and now I have them for next month. My RE didn’t bring up tracking CM or using OPKs during this 3-month trial period. I just feel like I need to be doing something productive.

Also my wife got so pissed (pun intended) when I peed in one of our cups. She’s right, it’s totally gross. But I mean, you have to pee into something yes? I’m also quite proud of myself because I haven’t been able to pee in a cup (albeit I’m only ever asked to do so away from my home) in YEARS. I always get the stage fright.

So what’s the consensus? Are buying OPKs and tracking my CM reasonable ways to deal with my baby fever? Or am I coming off like this chick:

Is this what online dating is like?

So, my wife and I have been talking about this baby making business for quite a while. We’ve waxed poetic about using a known donor vs. frozen sperm from a stranger, talked baby names for years, and made all sorts of child-rearing plans. Now that our first insemination attempt is actually really going to happen in a few months … let’s just say shit just got real.

I am sure that we are luckier than some to at least at this point agree that we will be purchasing a stranger’s genetic spunk to make this all happen. But now we suddenly have to choose said stranger from what is seemingly an endless line-up of college boys. Seriously – is this what online dating is like? I am SO STRESSED OUT. Thank goodness I met my lovely wife in person and never had to deal with this online selection business.

This isn’t the first time we have perused some online sperm bank catalogues, but it is the first time we’ve done it with an actual end goal of purchasing genetic material. I imagine when straight girls start dating they don’t obsess over the genes of their boyfriends. I mean, I just never had that thought cross my mind (given that there is no way I’m going to somehow merge genetic material with another lady). But these online catalogues … I really wonder if this is what super picky girls do when online dating. “Oh, he’s a nuclear physicist and he is attractive and he does art and he is a social butterfly? Hmmmm, but his grandmother had a heart attack at 65. Next.”

There are like a million options, but now that I have this level of control I don’t like any of them. Is it too much to ask to find the male version of my lovely wife only with a squeaky clean family medical history and Ivy league degree? Yeah … I think too much choice has made me hard to please.

We haven’t decided on a sperm bank yet (we are checking them all out and looking for a good match), which is probably making things more difficult. More choice = less certainty. In general, our criteria going in were that the dude be CMV – and have an acceptable family medical history.

I mean, there are a lot of options that fit the bill, so then we figured … hey, it’d be cool if the donor shared some of my lovely wife’s traits, since she doesn’t plan on having any kiddos herself. Anyway, all that said we totally found one who fit the bill and now are very aware that it is way too early. We can’t buy it yet because we have to pay to store it and don’t have the official go ahead from the RE and lots of other reasons.

… So I guess we are in sperm limbo. (Anyone have some patience pills?)